by Aamera Jiwaji

G21 Africa Alumnae

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Aamera
Jiwaji

DAR ES SALAAM, TANZANIA - I am a 23 year old female, too old for a good marriage match, and on the verge of spinsterhood.

In any other culture, I would be seen as young; the fact that I am working would make me a young and successful professional - but in my religious community, the Dawoodi Bohra Muslims, all I am is old, too independent, and a liability.

I went to Bagamoyo last weekend, a small beach town on the East African coast, 2 hours drive from Dar Es Salaam for a get together organised by our community for youngsters. Girls from 18 up and boys from 21 up who were interested in marriage and looking for a husband/wife were encouraged to attend.

Not many Islamic rules encourage the intermingling of sexes in a social setting, but our religious leader, Syedna Mohammed Burhanuddin, is anxious that his followers marry at a young age and settle down.

The reason? Firstly, a marriage, in Islam, is the fulfillment of deen. It offers protection to a female who is vulnerable and provides her with a haven from the temptations and dangers of modern living. It also provides a safe harbour in which both can fulfill their sexual desires and needs without crossing moralistic lines. And it is the first step towards procreation, an immensely spiritual act.

And the reason for marrying young is to prevent straying out of community boundaries when looking for a life partner, a step that might forever anchor you outside of your religious faith and practices.

The resident Amil Saheb from Dar Es Salaam gave a talk at the start of the evening, drawing on advice given by Rasulallah, the Prophet Mohammed. He listed the qualities that were important to keep in mind when looking for a husband/ wife.

He even tackled standard responses used when postponing marriage in an effort to encourage those present to begin the weekend in the right frame of mind.

"Some of you say that you want to finish your education, or start up a business, or even wait for your business to pick up and become profitable before you choose to marry and settle down," he said. "But how do you know that it is not the barakat involved in marrying and settling down that will bless your home and your business dealings?"

He talked of the sawaab of marriage, so strong that many thousands of sins would be forgiven in holding the hand of one's wife, in kissing her, and in being physically and sexually close to her.

But then the Amil Saheb went on to talk about the physical characteristics in females that Rasulallah allegedly placed a lot of importance on.

"Cat's eyes" in a light colour such as blue or green, small feet, long hair, fairness ... Difficult in a crowd of ethnic Indians, but then it accounted for the number of girls wearing contact lenses in greys, and browns, and greens.

So agenda number 1 is finding a husband - and fast. Agenda number 2 is making myself into a light eyed, fair skinned, innocent, eighteen year old with small feet.

And the whole setup was strange. Not as strange as what I had heard about: having to announce one's name, age and qualifications to a sea of strange faces.

Instead we all wore badges with our names and towns of origin. We were organized into groups to play simple games on the beach, such as "Heart-Heartless", "Donkey in the Middle" and Handball - all designed to break the ice between the guys and girls and allow us to look around freely.

After that, it was a free-for-all in the sense that you could approach anyone you wanted and start talking, making your interest evident. And if you were too shy then an adult could facilitate an introduction between you.

Obviously looks and behaviour played a large role that morning.

Boy-girl groups formed all over the courtyard before lunch with adults hovering nearby, waiting for the imminent announcement of a nikaa. We were all under scrutiny, either from the opposite sex, or from the girls sizing you up or from the adults with a hopeful glint in their eyes.

And then in the evening the adults approached and asked what sort of progress had been made, whether there was any good news and what the chances were of a match developing between you and any of the boys you had spoken to in the day.

I learnt an important lesson that weekend: regardless of what culture and community one is from, the youth are the same everywhere with the same agenda - and in most cases those present that weekend were not looking for a serious commitment.

I also realized that I would never find my "life partner" in any such gathering because what I looked for was not available at first glance nor could it be discerned in a day of casual flirtation and conversation.

That worried me. If I couldn't find my match at such a gathering then how was I to find him at all?

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Before I went to Bagamoyo last week, my mind was filled with thoughts of work and the rat race that I live in Nairobi.

A mere three days later, I was a different person caught up in a different kind of rat race. I was wide-awake, despondent, wondering about the meaning of life, the chances of finding a "life partner", worrying I was on the verge of spinsterhood.

I have been back in Nairobi for two days now and am looking for assurance in everything I see and hear, assurance that I am not too old and that there is still life for me out there before my biological clock shuts down, and my face becomes one huge wrinkle. I am suddenly worried about using any make-up just in case it makes me look too mature and confident, traits that "old" people have.

Finding a husband used to be the inevitable next step in life for me, a step like all others which comes when one is ready to cross it. Education progresses from primary to high school and then to university and my development as a person would go from childhood to puberty to a profession/career and then marriage - with the last two being interchangeable. Then children, and eventually old age.

I know that marriage is my next step and I was just waiting for a door to open.

I rushed through my childhood in my eagerness to be an adult and I regret it. I don't want to make the same mistake again, and yet I find myself rushing through my youth to become a married woman. And all of a sudden it is no longer a natural progression, but a deadly serious race.

And it all has to be done while I still look young, fresh and innocent.

The clock is ticking.

I have two months till I turn 24.

Words/ phrases:
1. Syedna Mohammed Burhanuddin - Also known as Dai, Mola or simply Syedna: Religious leader of the Dawoodi Bohra Community.
2. deen/ din - religion
3. Amil Saheb - local head priest or Dai's representative
4. Rasulallah - Mohammed, Prophet of Allah
5. nikaa/ nikah - marriage
6. barakat/ barakaat - blessing
7. sawaab/ thawaab - rewards of good deeds

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*Photographs by Murtaza Adamjee