by Aamera Jiwaji

G21 AFRICA Staff Writer

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Aamera
Jiwaji

NAIROBI, KENYA - Arranged matches are out. That was for the past generation when parents frowned on independence in their children and made all their important future decisions for them.

Singles bars are also out along with dating game shows. Too suggestive of the retro 80's with its flagrant sexuality patterns.

So then how exactly does an independent 21st century man or woman find their other half, their soul mate, their kindred spirit in a world where being single is trendy and admitting that you are single and lonely is viewed as desperate?

Not a contentious current debate. But while media cameras are focused on topics like abortion, euthanasia, gay rights and pre-emptive self defence, there is one silent group that is using the internet to usher in a revolution in the world of relationships.

It's a generation thing.

There was a time when arranged marriages were the norm, a love match the rarity.

At some stage, falling in love and marrying one's childhood sweetheart became very cool.

And today, the latest fad is meeting one's life partner on the internet.

It sounds dramatic and very radical, but in truth it isn't so far from the matchmaking patterns adopted in the days when print media was the dominant form of communication. At that time, word of mouth was not sufficient and so, lists of eligibility and availability were published in the Matrimonial Column of a community newspaper with general information on the person and contact details of their family.

This is the same format followed by internet sites today, except that protection of one's identity is more of an issue. Also, today, it is the "looking"individual that initiates this sort of venture rather than the parents.

And so there is a mushrooming of matchmaking sites on the internet for people looking for a partner, people who are conflicted between awaiting their destiny on the one hand and trying to steer their future on the other.

To this generation of young romantics who grew up believing that destiny will direct their path, arranged matches are not an option, scathingly frowned upon, in fact. And yet while waiting for their loved ones to emerge across the boundaries of space and time, guided by the hand of destiny, they have realized that sitting back, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for destiny to jump into the driver's seat, is taking too long. So they have worn their hearts on their sleeves and have taken a chance - hoping not for a match made in heaven, but a match made on the internet.

What it offers?

The biggest advantages that the matchmaking internet sites offer are that of anonymity and a much larger playing field.

To protect the identity of the in dividual, contact details of the person are not readily available until both parties are willing and pictures are optional.

So if you meet someone online and are not interested, no harm done. He/she can't tell stories about you and destroy your reputation. You are known only through your pseudonym, which while hinting at your character hardly reveals your identity: names like starry_eyes, seahawk, honestboy, tie_dye, temptation78, americanbeaut_e, Smoothy, elixir, Baby Face ...

Also, there is no pressure from friends or family, as the couple can choose to take the relationship as slow or as fast as they want.

And, of course, there are millions of candidates out there, also searching. One is not limited to their geographical area or community.

Suddenly, the possibilities of modern day relationships have grown by leaps and bounds.

What exactly is on offer?

There is a multitude of sites available, each catering for its own niche audience. For example:

• - http://www.shaadi.com is for those of Indian descent from a number of d ifferent religions
• http://www.reciprodate.com/ is a US based site -
• http://www.searching4singles.com/ caters for different areas, religions and alternative dating
• http://naseeb.com is for Muslims worldwide, with divisions as to one's particular sect -
• http://www.zstarr.com/singles/ is for Jewish singles of all ages & religious extremes
• http://www.match.com for the more mature singles, and
• http://www.datingmatchmakers.com/

Each tries to differentiate its services but the set up is the same:

• - create an identity,
• - describe the identity of your preferred partner, and
• - submit an optional visual of yourself (be it a graphic or a picture) which are added onto the site's databank in a searchable format.

At least this is the format followed on the more plausible sites which try to encourage equality of the sexes and escape from the slur and stigma attached to online dating. These sites try to establish an aura of r espectability (through success stories) and detract from the internet stereotype of sleazy hunter-vulnerable hunted.

(Others are more bizarre: mail order Russian brides for American men, tempting offers of Eastern European women along with Philippine postage stamps .. )

The looking & the looked for

Each individual in the profile of themselves includes details such as their age, educational qualifications, area of origin etc.

Their character is touched on by their pseudonym and expanded in the mandatory personal paragraph where the individual can write in about themselves, their hobbies and generally say a little about their character and add that personal element which would individualise them from the rest.

One of the "looking"on shaadi.com says:

"I've basically come to a stage in my life, where I feel that its time to settle down. Ideally I would have liked to find my potential mate through a more romantic method ... like hollywood/ bollywood :) ... but being the realist that I am, I have realised that not everything is going to happen that way ... and so I have decided to start my search for a potential mate using this medium ... .so if you view this profile and think that your thinking is on a similar level as mine ... write to me, and get to know more ... .."

Basically, a short, interesting snippet that hints at one's character and in terests - too broad to limit the search but focused enough to narrow it down.

Another says,

"I would describe my self as a real pearl... hard from outside but very cool n calm by nature...I like honesty and genuine people... I believe in being myself all the time and don't like to put up an act before anybody...with me what u see is what u get... i am looking for somebody who's understanding, intelligent, smart and has a good sense of humour cause i love laughing."

	writelikegod.com
	When is the last time you talked politics with your dog' dogshatebush.com

In keeping with the generation stereotype of uncertainty between awaiting and making one's destiny, many subscribers who try this method of meeting people mention how it doesn't suit their character or their ideals:

"Hi

I cant believe I'm doing this but I'll give anything a go once!

ok..here goes the 1st impression is always lasting so lets make this memorable!

My mates will say that Im funny and loyal, can be abit sarcastic at times but I dont mean it (most of the time!)

When I do get time to relax, it's mostly spent with my mates or reading. Yeah, I'm an undercover bookworm! .. If you find my profile interesting, get in touch. I promise I won't bite!"

Other sites offer a standard list of sentences that each candidate can complete (reciprodate.com):

• "I'm most happy when ...
• If I found a $100 bill on the street, I would?
• Before I die, I'd really like to?
• The first thing people usually notice about me is?
• One thing that people don't notice right away about me is?
• The most important thing in my life right now is?
• The most important quality I look for in someone is ...
• The best way to make me smile is ...
• The worst feeling in the world is ...
• One of my biggest pet peeves is ...
• A great way for me to spend a weekend would be ...
• If I only had time to save one thing from my burning home (besides people), it would be ...
• My favorite line from a movie: ...

So a profile is viewed, and depending on whether the demographics are what the person is looking for and whether the paragraph indicates a like-minded person, interest is indicated, and if approval attained from the other party after viewing the initiator's profile, communication between the two can begin.

Another format that matchmaking sites use is that of leaving the entire issue to the organizers of the site: send in your particulars and the site contacts you once they have found a suitable match, as on http://www.zstarr.com/singles/

But then where does the concept of love, which this generation of romance places such importance on, fit into all this?

"Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true,"said Charle s Dickens.

True enough, but despite the initial lack of physical contact in relationships that begin online, romance is alive and thriving on the Web.

Although these sites may suggest an arranged match set-up because of the lack of spontaneity involved in the meeting of two people, it seems there is an immense possibility for romance and attraction coming into play simply because of the unpredictability of a chance meeting on the internet. And so a meeting between two people may yet be guided by the hand of destiny even if it be a digital one.

Digital attraction

But how do the signs of attraction: chemistry, sparks, instant connection and the scenario of "eyes-meeting-across-a-crowded-room" fit into online romance?

Quite easily it seems. And this is part II of the revolution that the 21st century romantics have introduced via the web.

The first crucial step is the selection process which allows one to filter through a number of people and choose who they would like to communicate with. This is where the search begins for a person that satisfies your needs in terms of basic physical attributes and character.

The second step is all about the words: talking, establishing knowledge of a person that was previously a stranger.

Online conversation is open and relaxing because it carries the comforting aura of safety and security.

Relationships that begin online, if both members in the couple are being truthful with each other, rapidly grow in terms of intim acy since those talking open up a great deal while chatting, telling virtual strangers details about their lives that they wouldn't if they were on a first physical date.

The reason that these emotional bonds of trust are forged so fast may be because of the protection that the internet offers in terms of identity; it may also be because those who venture into online dating are the loneliest of their group and most anxious to meet and connect with someone.

Once the online relationship develops and trust is established, confidential details begin to be exchanged such as real names and contact details which deepen the relationship to the next step != probably onto e-mail and phone conversations.

Whether the trust develops before or after the chemistry does is unclear. Regardless, the possibility of attraction is most definitely there, despite the lack of physical contact and pheromone exchange.

Attraction and love, it seems, can begin and grow to an intense depth online as long as the online relationship is nurtured as much as an offli ne one, through regular communication and contact. Any online absence or silence can be misconstrued as a brush off.

As more people venture onto the internet and explore the possibilities it offers in terms of a relationship, the more the slur on online dating disappears as it emerges that online and offline relationships have a lot in common.

One advantage of online relationships, and its greatest revolutionary trend, is that physical characteristics, which play such a large role in a person's identity, take a backseat online.

And so the internet, it seems, is bringing about a revolution not only in the methods that are used to establish a relationship but also in terms of the key elements looked for when entering one: a good companion, a witty conversationalist rather than a sexy appearance and nice legs.

A new century, a new approach to relationships and it seems a new approach to life.