American Dreams

Kids Say the Darndest Things

by D.A. Blyler

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Ever since 1980, when Jimmy Carter was ridiculed for consulting his daughter Amy about the pressing issues of our time, including nuclear war, our nation's leaders have shied away from interviewing the young. Yet children, devoid of insidious political agendas, often are accurate barometers of the cultural climate. So, at a recent birthday of an old friend, I resurrected Art Linkletter's mic and interviewed the guests' children who were congregating in an unruly mass in the backyard.

WHAT KIDS HAD TO SAY WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE ATTACKS ON THE WORLD TRADE CENTER AND PENTAGON:

Why are those people so angry? -- Michael, age 6

It looked really cool; I bet I could have shot them planes down. -- Andy, age 8

Dad says we should kill'em all. Mom says he's a fanatic. -- Josiah, age 11

You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. -- Carla, age 7 (daughter of parents who own a 1976, diesel, Volkswagon bus)

Invest in the long term. Mutual funds. -- Kevin, age 6 (obviously, not the son of Carla's parents)

I wish everybody would just stop talkin' about this. It's enough to make me wanna barf. You know, who wants to see that stuff? -- Tammy, age 7

I'd like to know what we did to deserve this; it's not my fault; I know that. -- Greg, age 9

Where's the gin? I'd like a martini. -- Natalie, age 8

WHEN ASKED IF WE SHOULD GO TO WAR AGAINST THE TERRORISTS (OR EVIL-DOERS):

Do you want my Game-boy? -- Billy, age 7

I don't know. Ask Paul. He's the smart one; even if he can't find his way home by himself. That kid needs a compass. -- Sarah, age 8 (referring to her brother, age 6)

People die in wars, don't they? -- Nathan, age 5

Evil is as evil does. -- Jasmine, age 9

I'm not worried about nothin'. But I'd love to get a tattoo. Do you have one? -- Harlan, age 8

As long as they don't raise taxes or take away my smokes. Got a cigarette? -- Cameron, age 6

Just what are you trying to prove? -- Jill, age 7

WHEN ASKED WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AN AMERICAN:

Mom says we gotta go to Wal-Mart and buy a flag. -- Daniella, age 7

Are you recording this? -- Marcus, age 9

It means we love freedom and peace, even if we have to kill people for it. -- Shauna, age 10

It means your stupid sister won't listen to you, even if you are a genius. -- Paul, age 6 (referring to his sister, Sarah, age, 8)

Who are you? Peter Jennings? -- Caroline, age 8

I know The Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer. I'm not lying. Wanna hear it? -- Jonathan, age 5

I think I'm gonna move to Paris. Mom says that's where good people go when they die. -- Madison, Age 8

Pappy says it means we're the best people on Earth. Can you play wiffle-ball? The girls are bragging that they can whip us. -- Timmy, age 6

And with that remark, I quickly terminated the interview. The boys and I weren't going to back down from such an insolent challenge.

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D.A. Blyler is the author of two books of poetry, Diary of a Seducer and Shared Solitude. He has written for such publications as SALON, EXQUISITE CORPSE, ZUZU'S PETALS QUARTERLY, and the Prague based culture magazine, THINK. He's recently completed his first novel, Steffi's Club.Web page: http://www.geocities.com/dablyler/page.html