MAIN EVENT. A Good Place to Get Started --- a.k.a "Table of Contents"
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MAIN EVENT. A Good Place to Get Started --- a.k.a "Table of Contents" |
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Event #170: The 20th Century Special Edition 
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Jerking off is not new; the pre-prehistoric Egyptians did it, the ancient Greeks doted on it, the Romans loved it (and even made it a sport), and the Jews and early Christians made it a sin so that people could get more psychic enjoyment out of it than earlier people did from the mere physical act of self-fondling.
Earlier centuries had Fanny Hills and de Sades and other sexual celebrities, but none of them had nude photos of the young Dr. Laura Schlesinger on the Internet, late-night soft porn on cable TV or Long Dong Silver showing off his goodies on videotapes available through video stores worldwide.
The 20th Century is the Century of Porn. It was ushered in by a one-reel wonder called "Union Worker" that may have been the first sex film ever made. In it, a plumber makes a house call. While he's under the kitchen sink, the housewife disrobes and starts teasing him. The plumber soon drops his overalls and - surprise! - he's hard as a frozen sausage. He sticks it in, the houswife writhes, and the camera cuts to a shot of a steam whistle blowing. Cut back to the humping couple. The plumber puts a hand to his ear, checks his watch, which is showing 5 o'clock on the dot, does a double-take, buttons up his overalls, picks up his tools, and rushes out the door just like a good union worker should the second it's time to go home.
That was the beginning of the porn film industry: plot, action, and social commentary all rolled into one. Since then, porn movies have added sound, color, surgically-enhanced breasts, crappy background music, and Viagra-enhanced dicks, but have not otherwise changed.
French postcards? Obsolete. Even the French have Internet access. Why would they want to look at little black and white still pictures of naked fat people when they can watch 100% (dyed) blonde pumped-up Hollywood strumpets licking each others' pussies on a 4-head VHS VCR? Or (depending on taste) whole tangles of straight-from-the-gym dudes all over each other with mouths and penises and anuses coming together in ways you'd think only someone as sex-obsessed and repressed as Jerry Falwell could dream up?
Squirt that jism! Make those pussies wet! It's safe, it's clean, it's all good fun.
No one gets pregnant, no one gets AIDS, and no one is forced to spend an evening with someone they're only pretending to like because they want to get laid.
Technology may have its negative points, like letting so many people live so long that the whole damn planet is in danger of getting overrun by old farts who wander around saying "When I was yourage..." all the time, but when you look at what it's done for masturbation, even the old farts can only say, "It's all good."
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