For far too long this two-legged abomination has made donning sunglasses required to view the evening news or read a weekly newsmagazine. Paula Jones is quite simply the most butt-ugly bimbo I've ever had the misfortune to lay eyes upon. Following the dismissal of her lawsuit, NEWSWEEK performed the public disservice of printing not one, but two pictures of Medusa's sister in dark shades and a sweatsuit. Her leash was nowhere to be seen.

How mugged is Paula's mug? Oh, let us count the ways.

• Ruined, fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• Coyote ugly.
• A double-bagger.
• Looks like what happens when white met trash.
• Fascinating to look at in the way a bad car crash is fascinating.
• Paula Jones makes Sandra Bernhard look like Cindy Crawford.
• Paula Jones is so ugly people hang her picture in cars so their radios don't get stolen.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, they put her face on a poster for [sexual] abstinence.
• Paula Jones is so ugly when she went to a haunted house she came out with a paycheck.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, when she was born the doctor looked at her ass, then her face, and said, "Twins!"
• Paula Jones's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
• Paula Jones's so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, they put her face on boxes of Ex-Lax and sell it empty.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, she got a sex change and the surgeon had to flip a coin.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains.
• Paula Jones is so ugly it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.
• Paula Jones is so ugly, when she entered an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
• Paula Jones is so ugly when she goes to the beauty parlor they ask her if she wants paper or plastic.
• Paula Jones is so ugly when she was born the doctors were fined for having an animal in the building.
• Paula Jones is so ugly when she was a child even her imaginary friends wouldn't play with her.

Well, it's over for now. Doubtless, she and her sharks will refile the lawsuit. After all suing Clinton is what she does for a living now.

What else is she going to do? Go out for another major renovation job for that wreck of a face? Forget it, honey. You can dress up a cow pie on a silver platter but it's still only going to appeal to flies.

Looking like you came out on the losing end of a train [or] truck crash, in and of itself, isn't a crime. However, when Paula insisted in putting her unsightly, fearsome features all over the TV screen and [then] bray in that whiny drawl about how she wanted her reputation back, it just overwhelmed my restraint over such sexist characterizations as I've indulged in above in this column.

It was just laughable that this talking monkey butt would think her obvious money grab should become a matter of constitutional importance. Jones and her fellow travelers at the right-wing Rutherford Institute and her handler, Susan Carpenter-McMillan even duped the Supreme Court into supporting their little coup d'etat against Bill Clinton. Kenneth Starr will have to rely on something more than lurid stories from disgruntled state troopers and opportunistic secretaries to hang Clinton out to dry. Judge Susan Webber Wright restored a measure of sanity to this insane sideshow by dismissing Jones's ridiculous lawsuit.

Wonder who The Wall Street Journal and Maureen Dowd will use as an example of Clinton's beastly behavior toward women now?

Paula Jones can take her new hairdo, capped teeth and wardrobe make-over back to the trailer park. This sideshow has limped to a close off-Broadway, and good riddance. She got a chance to go to the Big City, steal a few towels from a nice hotel, and play the part of the outraged-innocent-fighting-impossible-odds-to-salvage-her-good-name. It didn't work and nobody's buying the sob story here anymore. Monica and Kathleen have picked up the slack.

So why don't you run along back to Big Hair, Arkansas, Paula. Don't worry. There will always be a place for kiss and tell sleazeball confessions as long as Geraldo and "The Jerry Springer Show" are on.