MAIN EVENT. A Good Place to Get Started --- a.k.a "Table of Contents"
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MAIN EVENT. A Good Place to Get Started --- a.k.a "Table of Contents" |
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I've come to a startling conclusion. America needs more homosexuals.
Not just any old homosexual either. We need more of the big, flamboyant, raging queen type. The kind that scare the living hell out of John Wayne types. The kind they think are licking their lips every time a straight man passes them on the way to the restroom. The kind that rejuvenated Cher's career after everyone else proclaimed it was deader than Bob Dole's pre-Viagra sex life. The kind the Reggie Whites and Pat Bucanans of the world are afraid are going to jump out of a tree and do something real nasty to them.
There were probably a few raging queens in Iowa during the Republican straw poll, but they were doubtless keeping a low profile as to not scare the farmers and cattle. There certainly was a great abundance of ill-hidden intolerance, xenophobia, upscale bigotry and other scary ideas in effect as nine G.O.P. candidates kicked off the first formal event in the *I'm not Bill Clinton, so Vote for Me,* marathon.
George Dubya Bush Jr., Steve Forbes, Elizabeth *Liddy* Dole, Gary Bauer, Pat *The Barbarian* Buchanan, Lamar Alexander, Alan Keyes, dizzy Danny Quayle and boring' Orrin Hatch. Whoa! You'd have to go to an Aryan Nations convention to find a more soulless bunch. From the little bit I heard of their speeches on C-SPAN when I wasn't nodding off in my bowl of Doritos, all I recall is every Republican candidate says taxes suck and Bill Clinton is a slobbering, lecherous pervert who has bagged every babe in the Oval Office with the possible exception of Janet Reno.
It's odd to see grown men and women making promises as if a voter were little more than taller children. At this juncture of history is anyone still so naive to think a President really runs the country? Not that the majority of these losers are getting anywhere near the White House unless they're part of a tour group. Fire-breathers such as Keyes or Buchanan know they're unelectable wackos but they're not running to win. They are the true-believers of the last remnants of the Reagan Revolution and woe to any who would stray from the course. Buchanan exists solely as a jockey cracking the whip on any true front-runner such as G. Dubya Bush Jr. The conventional wisdom is a Republican candidate runs to the political right during the primaries, throws a bone to the raw meat Right-wing of the party, then makes a mad dash to the *center* to assure the rest of the electorate they aren't promoting some knuckle dragging CRO-Magnon to the position of Most Powerful Man in the World.
Taking stock of lessons learned from the Iowa caucuses we see Quayle may be grayer about the temples, but he's still a national joke even to other Republicans. Quayle took a humiliating eighth place finishing behind even Keyes. The smell coming from his campaign is one of burnt toast. DQ expressed astonishment at how Iowa voters could choose at least five dweebs who had never held elected office over an ex-Vice President. Forgive Dan if his dim 40-watt bulb hasn't flickered to illuminate what everyone else picked up on a while back; he isn't ready to swim in the deep end of the pool and never will be.
Gary Bauer finished fourth, but with his low expectations, that qualifies as a big win. Along with Keyes (7th place) and Buchanan (5th place), this three-headed monster makes up what is jokingly dubbed the *social conservative* wing of the G.O.P. A euphemism for the collection of Antisocial, nutty old uncles locked away in the attic during these family reunions. Bauer is a single-issue guy with outlawing abortion in all forms and all cases as his raison d'etre. It's not enough to win in a general election dominated by the pro-Choice attitudes of female voters, but it assures the pro-Life plank in the party platform must be honored by the eventual nominee. Buchanan has taken on the populist role and as the best speaker on the stump he's damn good at the part. If he weren't such a evil bigot his pro-American workers' stance would be almost admirable.
Lamar Alexander never stopped running for president after the last election, but he did have the good sense to pick up on the fact red flannel shirts and a first name that belongs on the NASCAR circuit doesn't exactly inspire images of statesmanship. Alexander, who would make a good Cabinet secretary in some lesser department, came in a sick sixth place and headed for the showers. He seems like a decent enough guy for a Republican but he couldn't sell cold water in the desert. Guys named Lamar should be replacing engines in garages, not running for president.
Utah's favorite son, Orrin Hatch, finished dead last in ninth place. Only God knows why a U.S. Senator from one of the most monochromatic states in America is trampling through Iowa cornfields. Maybe he's doing research on the least likely places to hear hip-hop or see a Jennifer Lopez type booty. Whatever, when the Senate opens for business he'll be there in attendance when the *H's* are called.
Elizabeth (Don't Call Me *Liddy*) Dole grabbed third place so she remains to fight another day and position herself for a prime spot as a vice-president on a Bush ticket. She'd probably make a good one as far as vice-presidents go. Dole looks like she could pull off looking appropriately grim and respectful for those second tier state funerals substitute presidents go to. While it's nice to see a woman making a real run at the brass ring, Dole hasn't done enough to distinguish herself from the pack. She's confused playing the part of the talking dog with actually having something original to say.
Watching Republicans choose a presidential campaign is a tedious, tiring process. Without a Buchanan or other right-wing mouth breather knocking the furniture over, these caucuses are about as spontaneous as a porno flick's money shot. After eight years of Clinton beating their brains out and co-opting their ideas, it's obvious the Grand Old Party wants 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue back. As the hosannas are sung over Bush Jr. and his mushy *compassionate conservative* there is a lusting for all these preliminaries to be over and proceed directly to the inaugural balls. If only the party elders could just get Dole and Forbes to fold their tents and take a Cabinet position buy-off. If only Buchanan and Bauer would shut up and accept a meaningless campaign promise to appoint only pro-life Supreme Court justices in a Bush II administration. If only malcontents like Senators John McCain and Bob Smith who refused to pose in Iowa would go back to the Senate and stop distracting the media from anointing Bush the next resident of the White House.
If only Warren Beatty jumps in the race and we get a Bulworth vs. Bush II race, maybe we'd all have something interesting to look forward to over the next 15 months. A real choice between polar opposites instead of two slices of the same white bread----ah, we can only speculate. Since this is already a study in forgone conclusions, Beatty could interject something badly missing from this farce. An avowed liberal, genuine excitement and some star power to grab the public's interest. After all, there's no way a Hollywood actor could win a presidential election --- not again, right?
Nine of the whitest white men and women in America (okay, Alan Keyes isn't white, but don't tell him. It would spoil his lifelong goal to beat out Michael Jackson) came together to bore a bunch of other white folks faintly smelling of fertilizer with their plans to cut taxes and promises to get Big Government out of their lives. Republicans love to talk about Big Government. At least any Big Government that cuts benefits to welfare mommies. The Big Government that jacks up the budget for the military and defense spending or to build more prisons they like just fine.
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Which leaves the Big Three . . . or more accurately Bush the Sequel, The Rich Kid and Miss Congeniality. Bush won the beauty contest as he continues his rock star tour of the country. Forbes has added a little social conservative pandering to his flat tax deal, but the only thing he's got working for him is his daddy's money and that will be enough to keep him dogging Bush all the way through the 2000 primaries. Forbes can't help he's a rich man's kid, but it's truly off the hook to watch a guy who's never broke a nail in manual labor blabbing about looking out for the middle class and workers. What the hell does he know about that stuff unless the cleaning woman came in early to empty his office wastebasket?
Which leaves the governor of Texas standing on top of the heap. Armed with more than $38 million dead presidents and endorsements from most of the name brand Republican leaders, the media has all but called the 2000 election over. Al Gore should be the prohibitive favorite, but so far his campaign has most resembled that of Bob Dole's. *It's my turn,* is a lousy rallying cry for a candidate. It didn't work for Dole and it won't work for Gore who is almost as dull as Dole in his speeches. Bush has the buzz of the media, the TIME and NEWSWEEK covers and twice as much moolah as the Veep. In politics, perception beats reality and the perception is Gore is already playing three touchdowns behind in the fourth quarter.
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