G21 Media Writer

Inspired by "The Soaring Price of Donor Eggs Sets Off Debate"
by Gina Kolata for The New York Times
(Wednesday, February 25, 1998).
Excerpts are italicized boldly.

Spiritualists
such as Maharaja McMurphy of MOJOE (Mothers and Others for Justice On Earth) attribute widespread infertility to a slew of unborn souls who are reluctant, apprehensive, yes--perhaps even horrified at the aspect of embarking into life on planet Earth. The Maharaja excitedly exclaims that his visions of the resistant unborn souls include highly-organized picketing lines on the outskirts of the ether; said souls carry signs exhorting slogans such as "Hell No We Won't Go!" and "Down With Down There!" The Maharaja further claims that he has seen the resistant souls lynch and pommel the few scab souls who cross their picket lines. "These souls aren't hip on constricted movement and claustrophobic conditions. I mean, they see the 405 Freeway and unreasonably long lines in banks and supermarkets and, like Walmart and Best Buy, and they, they just dig their ghostly heels into the sky," Maharaja McMurphy further explains.

G21 ASIA has KIM CARTER back talking about another type of foolishness in "CANNIBAL ISLAND." POWERSBOOKS has our BOB POWERS with author, ABIGAIL THOMAS chatting about "Herb's Pajamas." TRIO: RADIO RAHEEM is back to explain the "PALACE COUP" --- at THIS MAGAZINE! CULTURE CAST's JENNIFER BLUE looks at the frenzy for "THE EGG." G21 WORDS features a new poem by NATHAN BLACK. G21 SOUTH AMERICA THOMAS HARGROVE Testifies before U.S. House of Representatives - [For the non-frames version of Mr. Hargrove's testimony, click here.--- Ed.]A follow-up to our 3-Part Series on Narco-terrorism and Kidnapping! FLISS USSHER's G21 EUROPE column LONDON CALLING! returns to the UK this week to kick off our special All Fools Issue. STONEWALL VIEWS' PHIL MARTIN announces "CURE FOUND FOR HETEROSEXUALITY!" TRIO THOMAS HART returns to tell "WHY I'M SO IMPORTANT" TRIO ROBIN MILLER makes the "CONFESSIONS OF A RESTAURANT BIGOT" ANOTHER Great Joke of the Day in THE HOUSE OF CARDS! JENNIFER BLUE's PLANETARY MADNESS looks at YOUR influences! BARE KNUCKLES: JEFF WINBUSH won't be seeing "Titanic." Read why here. Hello! Use The Message Board

Medical professionals
such as Dr. Lola Einstein (a publicly palatable fertility expert whose publicist, Rexamillion Machiavelli, is never far away) attribute rampant, worldwide infertility to external conditions such as pollution, the 90 hour work week, road rage, bad fashion (Dr. Lola--she will affably insist that you call her Dr. Lola--frequently dons full-skirted, circa 1955, cocktail party attire; she boldly accessorizes her ensembles with top-of-the-line boas, stoles, and daisy shaped pendants), and of course the proliferation of new age MUZAK and really bad film sequels and remakes. Dr. Lola and her contemporaries burrow their brows with great perplexity as they consider that the few women who do produce viable eggs in their super-enduring ovaries are the ones that have no desire to reproduce.

Archie Swoon,
Head of Public Relations for Destiny, Inc., considers his concept of The Egg gameshow as his ultimate inspiration. "Yes indeedilly! People competing for Eggs! I've really done it this time! Every citizen deserves a shot at an Egg!" Mr. Swoon states with much exuberant giggling and effervescent gesticulation. "At Destiny, Inc., our task team of fertility experts are working on this issue of egg-lack around the clock! The General Public doesn't want to deal with pesky ideas of, ahem, er, death; the General Public advocates birth! This predicament of absence-of-birth is what collapsed the Catholic Church, God rest Its soul, and godamnit, it's high time we take the bull by the, uh, horns!" Mr. Swoon exults at a highly visible press conference on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Archie Swoon presses his hands and feet into cement after unveiling The Egg gameshow. An audience of manic biological clocks tick haphazardly, a bit murderously around him.

(fade in applause).
Chuck Barris skips onto the LIVE Television! studio stage. As he positions himself behind a podium, rooster sound FX reverberate at a quaking volume within the packed-to-capacity television studio. Chuck Barris claps his hands in syncopation with the staccato, abbreviated rhythm of his speech. At center stage, on top of a doily clad table, sits a chrome, dome covered plate; this reminds Chuck of Thanksgiving at Grandmother Barris' (God rest her soul). Beneath the chrome dome is The Egg that this week's eager-to-conceive contestants will be competing for. Chuck Barris removes the chrome dome, the cameras zoom in on a vial on the plate which contains The Egg. The aura of the audience becomes heated and damp: women sob enviously; teenagers go cross-eye'd; men cross their legs, negotiating their erections.

The eager-to-conceive
contestants trot onstage and position themselves behind their assigned podiums as the quaking rooster sound FX once again drown the studio. Chuck Barris replaces the chrome dome on the plate, re-concealing The Egg. The audience moans. Two dwarves wheel the doily clad table upstage where it remains illuminated under a warm pink floodlight. "This week's egg (clap). Was laid by Suzanne Spade (clap). Miss Spade generously donated (clap). A few eggs (clap). Prior to her execution--God rest her soul (clap). For her crimes committed as the infamous Black Widow Killer (clap)," Chuck Barris says (clap). The audience gasps and applauds vigorously; the men adjust their inseams while gazing skyward.

Chuck Barris
places a Suzanne Spade Action Figure Doll (tm) on his own podium and winks.

Contestant #1
is Troy of Helena, Montana. 21 years old, he made the final round of The Egg contestant competition because of his fervent protective urges. A proud territorialist, his armament is a featured highlight of aspiration at all NRA expositions.

Contestant #2
consists of the dynamic moral duo of Mr. and Mrs. Hardgood. Age 36 and 31 respectively, the Hardgood's made the final round of the contestant competition because of their arduous adherence to Good Clean Living. Mr. Hardgood is a pastor with Pentecostal Junction; Mrs. Hardgood weaves baskets that bear portraits of biblical figures.

Contestant #3
consists of deli-owner Mr. Wilhelm ("Just call me WILL!") Strong and Mrs. Burghoff. Age 58 and 62 respectively, they made it to the final round of The Egg contestant competition because Mr. Strong exudes an exquisitely secure nature which is counterpointed (beautifully) by Mrs. Burghoff's classic, oedipally doting nature.

Chuck Barris
immediately commences with the Stroller Slalom portion of the vie for The Egg. Randomly picked members of the audience are strategically placed on the stage; contestants must weave around the LIVE! obstacle course of audience members with a state-of-the-art stroller. Various diversions can pop up at anytime: a giant SALE! sign; a green-apron'd Starbucks (tm) barista; or a fetching TV talk show host.

Troy of Helena
fared well at the onset of the Stroller Slalom competition. He stealthily maneuvered the stroller through the LIVE! obstacle course and managed not ram into any of the audience members; however he received a mark down when he laid his Ruger rifle inside of the stroller cab.

The Hardgood's
were too easily swayed by the diversions, thus their stroller was perpetually left in places that would be deemed In The Way of Other's. The Hardgood's argument that they must always keep an eye out for sin did not influence their mark downs.

Mr. Strong and Mrs. Burghoff
received bonus points when Mr. Strong began to pleasantly hum the National Anthem. The Starbucks (tm) barista almost baited them with Almond Flavored Frappuccino's (tm) at the end of a very narrow aisle, but contestant #3 gauged the difficulty of fitting the stroller in aforementioned aisle and resisted the almond flavored temptation. As winners of the opening round of competition for The Egg, Mr. Strong clasped his hands and waved them over his head like the contender that he is while Mrs. Burghoff whispered in his ear "Dat coffee boy vas a close one, eh Will?"

"WHO IS GOING TO GET THAT EGG?!?! (clap),"

(wild applause!), Chuck Barris queries, his eyebrows forming sharp exclamation points. Chuck kisses the Suzanne Spade Action Figure Doll (tm) as the audience members howl for their personal choices of parental championship.

The contestants proceed
to jog a distance equal to an average shopping mall while carrying the weight equivalent to a 2 year old toddler. The Hardgood's fared the best in this competition in lieu of their daily exercise regimen that is a crucial part of their Good Clean Living.

Troy of Helena
fared best in the Rebellious Teenager portion of the competition. When confronted with an assault of hormone-generated sass, Troy immediately responded with Rorschach Exams and cathartic communication tactics (his Ruger rifle was placed persuasively, but not too threateningly, over his arm during his responses).

In the end,
it was Mr. Wilhelm ("Just call me WILL!") Strong and Mrs. Burghoff who walked off with the Suzanne Spade Egg because Mr. Strong's sperm exhibited more potent prowess than a sailor in a bordello.

Calico Callahan,
of Neptune City, USA, presses her hands on her swollen breasts and stares at a wall calendar in her kitchen. A holster on her hips holds a pair of pearl-handled six-shooters; the holster has tightened around her bloating body over the last 2 months. Calico leans her forehead against the wall calendar, fearing for her life.

+++ The Previous CultureCast +++ The NEXT CultureCast +++