The Mechanics

by Jennifer Blue

G21 Staff Writer

Inspired by:

"Race for California Governor Is Not Necessarily the News"
by Todd S. Purdum for the New York Times (06 May 1998).
excerpts are boldly italicized.

It’s the toughest media market in the country to break
through. You have to buy time to break through

Event #133: Not Your Grandfather's Web Magazine. DAY ONE: TODAY: ROD AMIS reports on a Loyal Reader e-mail about The Economist, Black Republicans, and journalism. CultureCast: JENNIFER BLUE deconstructs the California governor's race in "The Mechanics." Powerssound: Music companies are sending BOB POWERS too many CDs! In this installment he looks at new music from WENDY BUCKLEW, RUBY BRAFF, BREW MOORE, STEFAN GROSSMAN & JOHN RENBORN, DON McAVINCHEY, BUGS HENDERSON & THE SHUFFLE KINGS, JOHNNY VARRO, and pianist ERNESTO DIAZ-INFANTE. (Is there any room left on this page?) FAX NIKITA: Loyal Reader RIC WILLIAMS shares his strange-but-true submission with us. HOUSE OF CARDS has a new Joke of the Day! THE AISLE SEAT: BRYAN POWERS reviews "54." TABLOID HART: The King of Dish waxes philosophical? Egads! YOUR VOX POPULI page gets a new update. More e-mails from Loyal Rooters. HOT LINKS(Not From Louisiana): RADIO RAHEEM expands our Link Partners Program, by welcoming new Partners from around the globe. Planetary Madness: JENNIFER BLUE looks at your horoscope for this week. THE FIRST TIME: A reader shares his story. G21 SPORTS: KO is back with the second of his NFL predictions for this season. This week: THE NFC. POWERSBOOKS: BOB POWERS reviews a new tome by EKNATH EASWARAN, GARY WEBB's "Dark Alliance", and "C'mere, Kitty" by ALAN KATZ. ON DRUGS: ADAM SMITH challenges the law of the land in "One in Thirty-Five." SEA OF DREAMS: We have a winner! The first winner of ZenCyn's Dream Interpretation Contest is featured. DON'T READ ME FIRST! Our Publisher gives the skinny on our largest weekly kick-off ever. LAST WEEK's EDITION For rapid response, use The Message Board The Main Event HOME

Bunny Stepford
sheds her blue Anne Taylor blouse, twirls it above her head, and flings it into the crowded Main Street intersection. However, like the beret-slinging Mary Tyler Moore, her act of spontaneity is ignored by the busily bustling denizens.

Bunny Stepford is a gubernatorial candidate
that cannot even attract the attention of the plethora of surveillance cameras that hum technological anthems throughout her state; thus, she has been experimenting with gimmickry that might potentially flip the switch of sympathy within the state residents. After failing to attract followers by contriving a Bostonian accent and asserting that she has a dream, she is now utilizing her elevated position within the interest group DAMN! (Defiantly Antagonizing Macho Nuances) to project a cocksure female gubernatorial image. She watches a surveillance camera on a traffic light chuckle as it flippantly ignores her impetuous, quasi-topless publicity stunt on Main Street (her white, satin, 34B brassiere glistens in the late afternoon city sun).

An intent expression
constricts Bunny’s face before she turns on her Piccone heels and marches down Main Street; she flips a silver dollar in her right hand with every fourth step she takes. Her Anne Taylor blouse is run over by a SUV! (Sports Utility Vehicle!) that is emanating an appropriated version of Shake Your Booty by KC & The Sunshine Band.

Bunny Stepford and Chance Banter
(lucky multi-zillionaire lotto winner) quickly wed in the real imitation Empire State Building within the cut-out version of New York City in Las Vegas, Nevada. The NewYork NewYork minister (an eerie Ed Koch impersonator) performs a rapid, perfunctory nuptial service while keeping one eye on Seinfeld (which plays peripherally on a big screen TV).

Bunny and Chance
discuss Bunny’s gubernatorial campaign strategy while riding a rollercoaster within another manufactured landscape. Via cel-phone, Chance closes a media deal for Bunny’s campaign televisioning as their red rollercoaster car plunges down the physiologically-stimulating Dare To Drop portion of the ride. Chance Banter was previously married to Suzanne Spade, the infamous Black Widow Killer, whose televised execution and musical theatre biography is still raking in royalties one year after her sensational capture and death. "I just love an ambitious woman," Chance says with a wink toward Bunny.

An animated, twelve foot high statue of Commander Sam,
the gubernatorial candidate sponsored by Destiny, Inc., is erected on Hollywood Boulevard. General Archie Swoon, Head of Public Relations for Destiny, Inc., is clad in freshly starched jodhpurs and spit-polished dressage boots. He slaps his crop against a newspaper vending machine as he exhorts into a television camera "Commander Sam Wants YOU!" A leg of lamb has been strategically balanced on the right shoulder of the Commander Sam statue, which will (hopefully) entice a majestic landing by a tamed, tattered, and ancient bald eagle named Dwight. Dwight’s trainer, an ex-CIA triple agent known only as Mr. Pink, releases Dwight from a faux leather leash while shouting some encouraging words ("Uff da!", "Shake your booty!"). Dwight does indeed alight on the shoulder of Commander Sam. The television camera captures the captivating scene as Archie Swoon exclaims "It’s a sign! It’s Destiny!" Dwight, realizing his freedom, leaves the leg of lamb in order to swoop upon a coffee-colored Chihuahua; the dainty dog is prancing around a toothless woman who is leaning on an aluminum walker-device. Dwight picks up the Chihuahua within his arthritic talons and proceeds to slalom down Vine Street.

Stanley Kowalski
has sacrificed his Tuesday evening bowling league in order to play with surveillance cameras. He was hoping to fund his own gubernatorial campaign with funds gathered from an estate dispute with his sister-in-law, however until the mental stability of his sister-in-law is established, funds are not forthcoming.

Stanley is not suffering
the visibility challenges of the other candidates. His crotch-tugging, swaggering, and generally raw primalism's are considered criminally intoxicating. His aura causes barometers to spin perplexedly and females to swoon feverishly. Surveillance camera lenses throughout the state fawn over Stanley Kowalski, insuring him televised coverage on the nightly shows that recap particularly provocative surveilled activity.

Stanley is the Creator and Captain
of the ROGUE (Really Overt Gall of United Emancipator’s) political party ; his raw appeal has incited much eyelid twitching, panting, and stammering amidst high-level Destiny, Inc. executives. The public has been warned to keep their children, particularly their teenage daughter's, locked-up for their own protection while Stanley Kowalksi is campaigning. The ROGUE members call themselves Magic Hands; they are liberators, libertines, and ace bowlers. Destiny, Inc.'s high-profile, top-secret, undercover operation to dismantle ROGUE is dubbed Blanche.

If what you’re saying or proposing does not have a nexus
with some extremely hot issue, like crime or a car chase or
a beheading or child molestation, it’s just not news.

Mikita Jamal O’Steinzales
runs her hand over the government-approved nicotine patch on her ass before sitting down at her anchor-positioned chair within the NEWS! television studio. The television camera winks at her, a nighttime aerial photograph of the city chatters like an excited slot machine behind her. Maniacal music heightens and fades as Mikita announces the top stories of the evening (prior to the airing of a new Commander Sam For Governor advertisement).

Mikita’s eyes rove her cue cards like a perky metronome
as she pronounces that "Police chase child molesters amidst rush hour freeway traffic; dozens or perhaps really a lot of many dozens are injured or possibly killed (an image of a crumpled stroller, one wheel still spinning for its life, is flashed behind Mikita’s left shoulder). A Famous Star will talk about her own molestation by a police officer in her childhood (the star dons a Commander Sam For Governor button as she weeps behind Mikita’s right shoulder). Tobacco industry executives beheaded!! (an image of a guillotine blade rushes down toward the top of Mikita’s head). A bald eagle abducts a Chihuahua. This and More in this evening’s telecast! Stay With Us!"

Bunny Stepford finishes filming
one of her campaign commercials within a blue-ambiance'd studio that flanks the currently televising Mikita Jamal O’Steinzales. Chance Banter kisses Bunny on the forehead before she slips into the NEWS! studio, sheds her Anne Taylor blouse (this one ecru’ish in hue), and embarks into a series of agile scissor kicks behind Mikita Jamal O’Steinzales. Bunny holds a placard above her head that reads Vote For Bunny The DAMN! Candidate.

You’re looking at the epicenter of complete disinterest
in politics.

Calico Callahan
brings her nose against a television screen that frenetically pulsates within the livingroom of the one-bedroom apartment (Free Cable!) that she shares (body and soul) with Manny, a currently horticulturally-oriented individual. "Godamnit, do you see that?! Do you see that, Manny?" Calico bellows.

"See what?" Manny rubs his eyes
with the heels of his hands; his feet fidget as he reclines on a red sofa. Remnants of Miracle-Gro flake from his hands onto his fecundishly thick eyelashes.

"It’s that DAMN! woman! She’s quasi-topless!"

Calico, squatting, spins the spurs on the heels of her boots (a nervous habit). "Well, she’s gone now. I’m losing my mind, Manny."

"I’m hungry; why am I always hungry?" Manny asks while shaking change in his hands.

"Me too," Calico says as she walks
into the kitchenette; her spurs spark along the overwhelming design of the linoleum floor.

If there was a debate held on a freeway that could be covered
by a helicopter, then we might get some coverage.

Stanley Kowalski
and a fistful of Magic Hands are exercising their identities, their sensuality’s on Hollywood Boulevard. Their Lucky Strikes slide behind their ears; their muscles flex sweatily beneath their tight white t-shirts; their bowling ball bags dangle from their threatening, clenched hands. Females swarm, scream, swoon; surveillance cameras sigh.

Bunny Stepford
files her eye teeth to dangerous points while viewing the macho antics of ROGUE and its Magic Hands. Perched on the pedestal that the towering Commander Sam statue stands upon, she pitches a discarded iced tea bottle (tea leaves individually picked by Pygmies at an exotic locale!) at a surveillance camera that is obsessed with Stanley Kowalksi.

Stanley Kowalksi
causes Mikita Jamal O’Steinzales' knees to buckle as he pinches her government-approved nicotine patch with one hand while giving Commander Sam the bird with his other hand. A unit of Destiny, Inc. Security Enforcement Officers are trotting in choreographically pleasing fashion on Hollywood Boulevard. As Stanley tosses his middle finger toward Commander Sam, the Security Enforcement Officers skirmish for optimal behavior modification positioning. Destiny, Inc. Security Enforcement Officers dress fabulously in starched jodhpurs, spit-polished dressage boots, and thigh-length crushed velvet jackets that swirl fashionably for filmed footage of their security-enforcing maneuvering. General Archie Swoon lands on Hollywood Boulevard via a fuschia hot air balloon.

Invoking
a freakish force of self-will, Commander Sam moves. He indignantly brushes a leg of lamb off his shoulder before stepping off the pedestal. His physique and features are suddenly semi-elastic: his hips gyrate, his eyes blink, even his wavy coif moves under the force of the helicopters that rove overhead. The rigid exception of this sudden surge of overall semi-elasticity is Commander Sam’s mouth. His mouth is like an engraving of an exaggerated, teeth-baring smile; there is a suggestion of powerful appetite suppressants provoking Commander Sam's grin.

Commander Sam scoops up
Bunny Stepford, his hard hands resist the nips of her just-rasped canine teeth. He tosses Bunny over his shoulder, her Piccone heels kick frantically next to his alabaster, plaster face. He stomps along Hollywood Boulevard and puncture’s Archie Swoon’s fuschia balloon with one of Bunny’s heels; hisses and spittle emit from Sam's sinister, maniacal smile. The Magic Hands follow Commander Sam, hurling an occasional bowling ball at him.

Is lack of public interest driving the lack of coverage,
or the other way around?

Calico Callahan
paces in the kitchen of the one-bedroom apartment (First Month Free!); her spurs spark along the overwhelming pattern of the linoleum floor. "I’ve got this godamn song stuck in my head and I can’t get it out," she says somewhat desperately. Manny is in the livingroom scratching his stomach. Mikita Jamal O’Steinzales is on TV, she is jogging stylishly along Hollywood Boulevard. Mikita exclaims "As you can see, gubernatorial pandemonium has finally broken out in Los Angeles. I’m trotting beside ROGUE candidate Stanley Kowalski who is about to challenge Commander Sam in this spontaneously sensational debate!" Stanley Kowalski hurls a cherry red bowling ball at Commander Sam. Dwight flirts with a one-legged pigeon outside of a Starbucks.

"Calico. Let’s go bowling," Manny says
while turning off the television with the heel of his right foot.

"Yeah baby, let’s blow off some steam,"
Calico replies as she squats and spins her spurs.

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