Passages

By Miss JeniferBlue

G21 Staff Writer

Bebe Burghoff: Berserker or Betrayed?

--frontpage headline of the Los Angeles Agenda.

From the Letters!section:

In response toMr. Wright's scathing editorial, I feel compelled to defend mydaughter, Bebe Burghoff. Bebe is innocent of the premeditativeaccusations that Mr. Wright lynched with such despotic flair. She is a Reactionary; her thirty five years of existence have beendesultory and apathetic as a result of being ensconced within theterrifying SAG (Superlatively Afraid of Gall) Disorder that isvictimizing so much of our society. I have investigated manypotential panacea's in order to ease the indecisive nature ofBebe's illness including: pills, hypnosis, basket-weaving forself-empowerment, clothes shopping for release ofself-minimalizing tendencies, and psychic hotlines; everypossibility was pursued to find an appropriate expression ofBebe's self-will, yet she remained immobilized, like a confusedchild, in a state of agitated waiting. SAG sufferers are thefinger-drummers of our society, they are incapable ofdecision-making, ergo, ipso facto, she could not havepremeditated her actions on that fateful evening. It was thatdamn gardener; he made her do it.

Ms. SissyBurghoff.

Los Angeles.

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PsychiatricEvaluation of Bebe Burghoff:

Session #1

Conducted byDr. Sidney Tough:

Dr. SidneyTough: Are you comfortable, Bebe?

Bebe Burghoff:Um...

ST: Tell me,Bebe, has your father or any other male member of your family orimmediate environments ever touched you in an inappropriate way?

BB: Um...well,once when my father was hemming my pants, they were rayon; mymother has a phobia of denim, you know.

ST: Your motheris afraid of denim?

BB: Yeah, shehas to be really careful; a lot of people wear denim. Sherecently caused a pile-up on the 405 because a Bugle Boybillboard provoked her phobia. She's suing Bugle Boy and isreally involved with politics now as a result of creating the FAD(Firmly Against Denim) interest group, which is why my father washemming my rayon pants, because my mom is really busy withpolitics. She's really increased her vocabulary!

ST: Anyinappropriate touching, language, or eyebrow wiggling while yourfather was hemming the pants?

BB: He waswatching Seinfeld while he was pinning and then, well,Kramer and Newman were playing RISK on the subway, and as he, myfather, bent-over chortling, he stabbed me with a pin. I didn'tget it at the time.

ST: What do youmean? He deliberately plunged the pin into your unemancipated,enslaved physique? Is that what you mean?

BB: No, Ididn't get the obsession of Kramer and Newman's RISK game a yearago, but then Manny helped me connect with my very owncompulsions, obsessions, and quirks--

ST: --yes, thegardener. Tell me about Manny, Bebe. Did he violate you? Betrayyou?

BB: Oh no, Ilove Manny.

ST: So, heseduced you? Mislead you? Misrepresented himself? Behavedadvantageously?

BB: No! I'vebeen agitatedly waiting for him for thirty-five years. I'vesuffered from SAG Syndrome all my life until I met Him.

ST: So, hepreyed on your emotional deficiencies, he psychologically luredyou with his meglomaniacal tendencies?

BB: No, I thinkit was his raw appeal.

ST: (audiblepencil-tapping on steno pad).

BB: (audiblefinger-drumming on faux mahogany end table). 

Publiclyexhibited excerpt from the private and personal Bebe BurghoffJournal

(from herJournaling for Gall Period):

My journalingworkshop instructor also teaches people how to dress, her name isTundra. As part of our assignment, Tundra asked us to avoidlooking at our reflection in mirrors, windows, etc. I can cheatbecause I watch myself all the time and I don't need a mirror todo it. I am watching myself while I am writing this and I wonderwhich part is writing--is it the part being watched or the partwatching?

There is a girlin my workshop who suffers from the dreaded IRK (Irate Relay ofKnowledge) Syndrome, her name is Calico. As an IRK sufferer, sheis seized by spasms of disillusionment and these spasms expressthemselves as furious fits of heightened cynicism, misanthropy,and irony. She curses much. She is Journaling for Purging. Shewears spurs on her boots that will occasionally spark, warning ofan emerging episode of disillusionment. I am going to have coffeewith her and her boyfriend (a horticulturally-orientedindividual) next week. Calico is a SAG sufferer's wet dreambecause her opinions are like bullets and she is constantly inmotion. 

Excerpts of aninterview with Sissy Burghoff, founder of FAD (Firmly AgainstDenim) and mother of Bebe Burghoff, for the Los Angeles Agenda:

"I foundedFAD because denim is amoral, particularly denim jeans. Have youever heard denimed thighs chafing together? It's obscene. Andwhat about the denim jean fly? There are zipper and buttonflies? Why so much ingenuity applied to the fly? And who wearsthese jeans? Rebels, pornographers, criminals! Look, just look atJames Dean wrapped within all that amoral denim while performingall sorts of ethical atrocities. Statistics show that most crimesare committed by those donning denim. Could I have a glass ofwater? It's time for my 12:00 panic pill. Thank-you. Aredenim-clad demons the right role models for our children?"

"I willannihilate Bugle Boy, and in particular, Levi Strauss. Othercitizens are following suit and filing claims against thesewicked, slippery destroyers of society."

"Oh. TheGardener. Well, I hired him to grow things at our home because hewas wearing a perfectly acceptable pair of houndstooth trouserswhen I met him. What a facade! The police discovered denim allthroughout his residence. That fiendish girlfriend of his wearsnothing but button-fly jeans (audible teethgnashing)..." 

Anotherrevealing and potentially Bestselling excerpt of Bebe Burghoff'sJournal:

Calico'sboyfriend, Manny, is the Burghoff gardener! Even my grandmotherloves him. Grandma makes him pastrami sandwiches; he devours themlike a dog! I love to watch him pull weeds while that thick cigaris hanging out of his mouth. He is really understanding of my SAGsufferings and while he was spreading topsoil on an herb bed hevowed to wring opinions out of me. As he was thrusting a shovelinto the hard dirt at one side of the house, he said we couldagree to disagree. Whenever I see him my fingers stop drummingand I feel less apathetic because he says encouraging words ofwisdom like "I could care less what you do as long as youstay the hell out of my way." He's so, so, so autonomous!One day I hope to help him as much as he helps me.

Shard of aconversation between Bebe Burghoff, Manny The Gardener, andCalico Callahan at Another Corporate Cafe'. This conversation isbrought to you by the surveillance camera services of Eye InThe Sky, Unltd.:

Manny: I figureI'll create a Nasturtium fringe along the front of your parent'shouse... Thanks again for helping me get the job, Bebe.

Bebe: Sure, mymom likes your pants. What is Nasturtium?

Calico: Thoseare the one's that have aortical shaped leaves, right baby?

Manny: Sureenough. I'm still hungry.

Calico:Godamnit!

Bebe: Is shedisillusioned again?

Manny: She'shot tonight. Let's go bowling, Kittens. 

Larry Burghoff,father of Bebe Burghoff, in a Seinfeld chatroom (post-Bebebust):

Of course it'snot *really* George Steinbrenner (chortle). ;-) 

An especiallycondemning excerpt of Bebe Burghoff Journal:

It's mybirthday: 35. Mother gave me shoes with tassels and oodles ofstock shares in the country of Colombia. She says tasseled shoesand inoffensive textile patterns are going to be manufacturedthere very soon. The best part of my birthday was Manny andCalico. They gave me a pair of Levi 501's (button down fly),Mardi Gras beads, and a chocolate cake. They Mamboed around me onthe overwhelming pattern of their linoleum kitchen floor.Calico's spurs sparked. Archie Swoon, Head of Public Relationsfor Destiny, Inc., appeared on TV with Mother! Mother batted herrecently lifted eyes while Archie Swoon declared war on denim.Manny and Calico are riled; Calico lit several light-anywherematches on her inseam. She cursed much. I just sobbedindecisively into my new pair of 501's (which fit like a glove!).Must do something! 

Police OfficerStarsky being interviewed LIVE! at the scene of the attemptedcharacter assassination of Gen. Archie Swoon, Head of PublicRelations for Destiny, Inc.:

Mikita JamalO'Steinzales (LIVE! NEWS! Anchor): So, Officer Starsky, can yougive us an appraisal of the pandemonium?!

OfficerStarsky: Well, Mikita (wink), we do have the criminal, theinstigator of this mess apprehended. Her name is Bebe Burghoff.

MJOS: BebeBurghoff: A woman; a crime; a black night.

I guess what weare all wondering is WHY?

OS: Well, itcould be the proliferation of senseless and random images ofviolence; it could be the erosion of the family unit; it couldvery well be denim, Mikita; Bebe Burghoff was wearing it, andwearing it quite well.

MJOS: It lookslike this is going to be another big blow for the denim industry.Was Bebe Burghoff working alone?

OS: No, she wasworking in tandem with a disgruntled gardener and his girlfriend,an IRK sufferer. Bebe Burghoff's mother, who is ironically thefounder of the Firmly Against Denim Movement, tells us that Bebewas trying to cope with SAG Syndrome.

MJOS: So, shewas victimized by SAG. The SAG Syndrome: People in an abyss ofapathy. What about the gardener, which psychological imbalancedoes he suffer from?

OS: He's justhungry. Both the gardener and his girlfriend are still at large.All surveillance cameras are operating at full speed but we needanyone that may see them to take advantage of the National SNICH(Swooping upon Nefarious and Imaginative Conspiracies againstHumanity) Program and report their whereabouts ASAP. StopBitching! Start SNICHing!

MJOS: Two womenand a gardener: A mission of terror and denim gone awry. 

Transcriptfootage from the Police Interrogation of Bebe Burghoff:

OfficerStarsky: Where'd ya get the pies, Bebe?

Bebe Burghoff:I made some for Manny. He likes cream. And I made some for ArchieSwoon. I hear he's lactose intolerant (chortle, snort).

OS: ArchieSwoon was hit four times in the face and one time in the chest.In lieu of the trajectory and timing of the pastry hits, youcouldn't have been acting alone. We found shell remnants behind agrassy knoll.

BB: No, it wasMe! I've overcome SAG! I've got balls! Blame Me!

OS: I'm seizingthose jeans. (audible teeth gnashing).

BB: (audiblefinger drumming on metal interrogation table).

Manny andCalico eat lemon cream pie with their hands while playing RISKwithin a shadowed Nasturtium bed.

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