DATELINE: 28 February, 2003

Transmitted by STUART ALTMAN, USA

NEW YORK, NY, USA - I love New York. I love living in New York. There is no place that I would rather be. That includes during these times of trouble when it could be considered unsafe to live in New York. Because - let's face it - if the terrorists want to attack the United States again they're not going to strike in Minnesota.

It's true what they say about New York, "If you can make I there, you can make it anywhere." The problem is these terrorists don't realize a lot of shows start out-of-state and then are brought to Broadway. They want the big time now and that's New York. The problem is I don't think the new Office of Homeland Security realizes this because they give generic terror warnings that are fit for people living in Kansas rather New York City. Last week they reported there might be another attack on New York with a "dirty" nuclear bomb that would spread radiation through the city. Is that supposed to scare me? I've been breathing New York air for years. How much worse could it be?

Since when are we distinguishing between the cleanliness of Nuclear Bombs? Is a Dirty Nuclear Bomb not designed to kill but only to mess up the city enough that Felix Unger and the rest of the Neat Freaks really get upset? Do you actually need a clean Nuclear Bomb to obliterate the City totally? Well you could never obliterate the city totally because the rats and cockroaches in the subways will live forever.

To counter this [alleged] terrorist attack, what did our Office of Homeland Security tell New Yorkers to do, "Stock up on Water and Duct tape."

Water and duct Tape to help prevent a nuclear attack. Why didn't we think of that sooner? Had Japan thought of that fifty years ago we might still be fighting them today.

I can only imagine the conversation that led to this declaration by the Office of Homeland Security. There was probably some Political Consultant saying, "Sure you should tell people to stock up water and 'canned foods' but the duct tape lobby has contributed lots to the President's campaign."

Maybe we can even sell a sponsorship. "This terrorist attack brought to you from the Duct Company and their amazing Duct tape. Don't be caught with some lesser tape when you're trying to avoid radiation."

The supposed idea behind the Duct tape is to seal your windows. Once again I can tell these people have never been to New York because half the windows here don't close in the first place.

That's why I feel the people of New York need their own Homeland Security rules. I'm serious here! Forget this national Office that knows nothing about us. Manhattan is an island and we have as good a chance as Gilligan of getting off the Island if we listen to these people. The best they can say to us is, "New Yorkers you're on your own."

Stuart Altman

However, there are some easy rules we can follow that will be tailored to New Yorkers that can give us a better chance to survive.

1. If you're running out of your building, after you get out of the elevator don't hit all the buttons to make it stop on every floor. I know this is a funny gag any other day but in a nuclear attack this would cause unnecessary delays and would not be very funny.
   
2. If you are in a car and someone is crossing the street slowly, you can hit them. I know New York taxi drivers do this regularly but this would give the right to the rest of us.

   I thought of this from my experience on September 11. When I was driving people up First Avenue to get them out of the area I beeped my horn at an old man crossing the street like he had magnets on his feet. This man proceeded to stop and point at me and then try to give me a lecture when I was ten feet away. Had we had this rule I'm proposing, precious time would have been saved.
   

3. Promise all people who manage to get off Manhattan and live that you will not relocate them to New Jersey.

   This is probably the most important rule because what's the sense in escaping radiation if they're going to send you to a place with more toxic air?
   

4. Speaking of the air, don't close your window. The radiation won't kill you any faster than the asbestos already in your building.
   
   
5. If your building is hit during a nuclear attack, but still livable, we will lower the rent from three thousand a month to two thousand a month for your nine square foot apartment. If your building is totally obliterated in an attack, you must your leave the apartment even if it is Rent Controlled.
   
   
6. Get rid of the color code of terror attacks like Code Orange.

   This has nothing to do with the people of New York but it's for me. I am actually color-blind and have trouble seeing orange. All my life I thought the worst thing about my seeing disability is that I would have to shop with my mother the rest of my life so my clothes would match. Now I've learned that, in case the terror alert changes again, I will be the last one to know. While everyone else is running over the Brooklyn Bridge, I'll be trying to figure out if the terror alert is green or blue.
   

7. In case you're stuck inside, forget water and duct tape get an illegal cable box like everyone else. You could be trapped for a long time and Time-Warner charges too much.
   
   
8. If it actually is a nuclear attack, alternate side of the street parking will be suspended. (For those outside of New York City, alternate street parking is the pathetic ritual of moving your car from one side of the street to another each day so they can clean the streets. This is usually the only driving most people who own cars do in Manhattan.)

   However, if just radiation is released, if you don't move your car you will get a ticket as the City needs lots of revenue.
   

9. Please do not try to hail a taxi cab. Since they don't pick you up on a regular day, your chances are severely limited in a terrorist nuclear attack.

   If you do get a cab. don't fall for the old "the meters double during nuclear attack."
   

10. While running out of New York, don't fall down laughing when George Steinbrenner claims the nuclear attack was the last resort of the other owners in baseball to get him to stop paying players so much and to prevent the Yankees from going to another World Series. Also, if all the Knicks and Rangers players are gone they really wouldn't be any worse and might even get under the salary cap.

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WEB SITE PICK OF THE WEEK: Petar Pismestrovic is a cartoonist in Yugoslavia who has designed an awesome Web site to showcase his work. You need to check this out, Kids! You'll find the pismestrovic.com site at this link.

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