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G21 WEEKEND UPDATE - Welcome to the first installment of our intermittent feature here at RDR, G21 WEEKEND UPDATE. Come back on Saturdays for our latest fake news, delivered by the likes of satirist Al Dunsmuir, from the United Kingdom, Thomas Hart from the Republic of Tejas, and Yours Unruly. Guest Correspondents will also appear from the four corners of the earth to bring irreverent looks at the breaking news on this wacky planet of ours.
We hope you enjoy the antics --- I mean, insights --- of our far-flung panel of journalists.
Now, on the Pinochet trial in the United Kingdom, we turn to G21 European correspondent Al Dunsmuir. Al, are you there?
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The big story in the UK this month is that former dictator Augusto Pinochet is suffering from intermittent ten minute death syndrome. Let me explain.
"Poor Pinochet" said one of his supporters while he tortured an unnamed human rights activist.
"Poor us" says the rest of the world as we come to terms with the ramifications of Pinochet's illness.
General Pinochet, the former Chilean dictator, is suffering from the rare disease "lyingtogetofftrialitis", whereby he officially dies three times every hour for ten minute periods, and will do so for the rest of eternity.
This means that the trial of Pinochet will be unique in legal history. A special court will have to be set up that will include its own graveyard for the General to be buried every other ten minutes. There will also have to be a large TV to entertain the jurists every time the trial is interrupted.
To make matters worse, whenever the General is re-born, his memory of his previous life is completely wiped out. Therefore special instructors will have to work out ways to explain who he is, why he is here, and what is going on, all within two minutes, to ensure as much of the trial as possible can continue.
One expert predicted the trial would last 700 years, costing every tax payer in the world, $648,000 (USD) each.
Part of that cost would fund the creation of a "legal" city, whereby everyone who lives there, including judges, attorneys, jurists and so on, would have two life-long careers. The first would be the trial of Pinochet, the second would be the creation and rearing of "Pinochet trial offspring" who would ensure the trial might reach its conclusion.
If convicted, and given that the legal process in the 28th Century mirrors today's, Pinochet would almost certainly become the first person in our history to receive an indefinite amount of death penalties. He would also give new meaning to the term, "The trial continues."
ROD AMIS: Thanks, Al. Now for a United States perspective on the Pinochet trial, we turn to our Political Muckraker, Thomas "Tabloid" Hart. Tom?
THOMAS HART: Francisco Franco is still dead.
Oh, sorry about that, ya'll. It's Augusto Pinochet we is talking about, ain't it. Down here in the trailer park, we figures all them Hispanic dictators and torturers are purdy much interchangeable, you know what I'm saying? I think you do.
Frankly, Rod, us Sanitation Engineers don't give a good flip about this Pinochet guy. We got much better trash to talk about than that. Hell, the only folks who could get riled up about a guy like that is one of your AC/DC limey types, far as I can see.
"It now appears that our immigration laws may not be broad enough to allow for such an approach in Elián's case. That is why I am urging Congress to immediately pass legislation that is being sponsored by Senators Bob Graham and Bob Smith, which would grant permanent resident status to Elián, his father, stepmother, half-brother, grandmothers and grandfather, so that this case can be adjudicated properly."
George Dubya talking, you might guess. Uh-uh! Guess again, that was Vice President Al Gore. Yes, Al Gore.
Doing the biggest double-flip since Mavis, the chef down at the International House of Pancakes, Al turns on the Clinton Administration's position on the Cuban poster boy's case like a Ferrari on a dime.
Yes, Sanitation Engineers, it's politics-as-usual once again. Ole Al needs them Cuban-American votes down in Jeb Bush's Florida, so all-of-a-sudden it's "good politics" for him to distance himself from the Administration.
Now wait a minute, most folks here in America and down in Cuba are probably saying to themselves, this is Al Gore, right? He stands by Dollar Bill when he puts the first Cuban in an inappropriate place and almost gets impeached, but he distances himself from Bill on putting this Cuban in an appropriate place. Oh man!
The Dubya is smirking like the Cheshire Cat, of course. And he hasn't even started to mention his secret words yet, "Buddhist Temple."
Dirty politics. You gottah love it!
Let's talk about some real dumpster-diver news this weekend!
"From the very beginning, I have said that Elián González's case is at heart a custody matter. It is a matter that should be decided by courts that have the experience and expertise to resolve custody cases, with due process, and based on Elián's best interests.
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