I did get a laugh out of him, though.

I said, "Hell, old son, I thought *I* was having problems when the tax guy told me I need to send ten grand to IRS this year! That ain't nuthin'! You're making me look like a piker.

"Tell ya' what: after you take care of business, why don't you take a road trip up to New Orleans and see Sister Laquita the Root Worker. Tell her you need to turn this ju-ju around. Give her a hank o' hair, a bone, something!!"

That's me all over: try to get them to laugh through their tears.

There was more to this thread, of course.

Well, I brought her coffee and the sticky bun and a piece of chocolate cake. She is, however, as manic as ever.

She tried to bolt last night and she wanted me to help her break out an hour ago. She did give me the only remaining credit card with money on it. She wants me to buy her a cell phone. She says she is going to check out as soon as possible. We will try to get an OPC (order of protective custody) in the morning. They can only hold her tonight. After that they have to release her if she wants to go. Maybe the drugs they give her tonight will start working. But whatever they gave her last night had no effect.

We went to M's and picked up the car and her stuff. It took us three cars to bring it all back. Luckily a lot of the new stuff she bought over the last four days was unopened. She still won't tell me that she was staying at M's though she was talking about it freely yesterday. Her memory is as shattered as her psyche. It is so very sad. She told me I don't look like a liar.

She hates me at one moment and then she relaxes. It cycles through quickly. She can't stay put physically and her mind races. It is a bio-chemical demonic possession. Many of the symptoms remind me of descriptions of witches' activities in the 17th century. Maybe I have dissertation material here. Hard way to get it.

I've been crying a lot. It helps. She is so far gone now. The admitting psychiatrist asked me if I wanted to stay married to her. "Of course," I said. But the question was so sad. If I would have said, "No," he would not have admitted her. To think of all those people walking the streets in psychic misery because no one would say they loved them. It breaks my heart. I'm crying even as I write this sentence. I love her so. I want her to be better.

The finances are a disaster. The house is a wreck, but my first priority is her. Luckily her parents and K are here cleaning and running errands.

Her brother D will be in tomorrow night and we'll begin to look at the finances. I talked to another patient while she was being seen by a nurse. She said she knew how hard it must be enduring the insults. I told her it wasn't my wife. She said my wife was lucky to have someone who loved her so much. That got me to crying.

My wife kissed me goodbye and told me to come back and bring her that cell phone.

This is an Innanna journey into the darkest of underworlds. Deep, deep pain. The kids are at C's, K's best friend. They know something is wrong. I wonder if they asked her to stay in the hospital if she would. But I can't ask them to do that. Such a heartbreaking situation.

Love

Anyone who knows me knows how difficult it was for me to read this. There were many other missives along these lines, and telephone calls, and me trying to be the good brother. It was like when I was once assigned the role of the Wise Son at a Passover Seder. Me, not me.

I am expected to be strong.

So I kept calling and reading and responding with the best advice I could. "Kids are *not* stupid. Remember how you knew what was going on as child. I know you love her, but she is a loaded gun right now. Keep that in mind!

"Focus on the well-being of your children first..."

She's back in. She said for five days. But she called a few minutes ago and said if I don't give her $100 tomorrow she will check out. She won't get the $100.

I found out today that she got arrested for shoplifting last Wednesday, the day she left me. One of the women who talked her into going in Saturday and again today is the one who bailed her out. She doesn't know I know that.

What got her to agree to go in today was the threat that she would lose the kids--she checked herself out AMA (against medical advice) and she has been arrested: grounds enough, perhaps, to have her declared an unfit mother. THE BOMB.

So, basically, if she leaves again, she will not be seeing the kids. If she wants to keep the kids, she has to stay in the hospital and get treated. Plain and simple. No more games.

I love her. But this is very serious shit. Pray for her. Call her. The number is....

That's about the point when I collapsed. I had been talking with the other members of my surrogate family there. They could tell that I was wearing down. I got one phone call from little sister that began, "I just wanted to make sure you are still okay.."

I understood and appreciated the question, as I was not.

I needed to disconnect for a couple days.

When I came back, seemed thing better. She was grudgingly cooperating with the people who loved her and wanted to help her.

I still did not feel emotionally strong enough to re-connect. And then my sister-in-law arrived from Bermuda, my darling Barbara was in New York from San Francisco. My own life was calling me.

So I keep my "other" family and my oldest friend in my prayers.

This is the beginning of a long road for them, I know.

One day I'll tell you about my time as a family therapist, before I realized that working in mental health was not for me. I'm too vulnerable to the deep water where Legion tries to steal your soul....

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