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THE NEW AGE LEXICON OF EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIRS OF THE HEART: AN UNALPHABETIZED PRIMER
Complexity, n.
A term borrowed by New Age moralists from chaos theory to justify moral turpitude. (See Goliardic complexity)
Goliardic complexity, n.
A kind of light-hearted, itinerant, clerkish complexity (see complexity) that touts mostly self destructive behaviors including emotional infidelity, deception, duplicity, egocentrism and old fashion self- indulgence as the various avatars of an exceptionally refined spirit.
Cuckold, n.
Called harijan on the subcontinent. Holding unceremoniously the emotional equivalent of someone else's worn codpiece in the left hand, and the blind scales of justice (slightly tipped in the favor of the cuckholder) in the right, the cuckold in the New Age Lexicon assumes the responsibility for the aforementioned mostly self destructive behaviors (including emotional infidelity, deception, duplicity, egocentrism and old-fashion self indulgence) by virtue of lacking complexity (see complexity). Object of plenary contempt of New Age moralists.
Conscience, n.
Found by researchers to exist in New Agers as a small fleshy button near the hippocampus, very near the site of the brain's short term memory repository, very very near the locus of the brain's ability to rationalize immoral behavior in the lowest part of the most primitive and recidivistic section of the brain stem.
Conscienceectomy, n.
Popular surgery among New Age proponents, oftentimes performed in unclean back rooms of the moral equivalent of the border town.
Commitment, n.
Not only difficult to spell (one "m", two "t's" or two "m's" and one "t"?) but also difficult to identify given its Procrustean distortion at the verbal hands of New Agers. A portmanteau concept, the "C" word has come to mean "faithfulness to one's feelings and their fulfillment regardless of the consequences." Embedded in a much older concept that ironically implies dignified allegiance to an "Other," the "C" word has become a sideshow staple of the current carnival of morality. Barked as"see the two-headed elephant man!" to jutt-chinned carnival goers.
Selfishness, n.
There are two species of selfishness: naive selfishness, that selfishness that says"This is my food" or"Gimme the channel changer" which is irritating and juvenile, but ultimately innocuous and complex selfishness (see complexity) which while juvenile, is not naive. The latter posits self aggrandizement above all and is willing to offer everything to the Moloch of immediate emotional gratification.
Selfish, adj.
Descriptive of anyone who fails to understand, appreciate, and revere the complex logistics of emotional betrayal and the violation of marital trust. Attaches remora-like to the large and unevolved rationalizations that are predatory in the waters of cloudy morals, values, and commitments. Often used to describe cuckolds who fail to appreciate the delicate emotional indiscretions of their emotionally far superior and complex Others.
Morality, n. (barely)
Much less complex than complexity for the New Ager. Anachronistic term premaritally [sic] used to describe the crude and unsophisticated systems of thought as well as the bumpkin-like moral look of cuckolds. Connotes for the New Ager a cheap bauble and playfully likened to the Mardi Gras (esque) throwing of cheap glass beads at taut and not so taut female breasts, ostensibly as a reward for overcoming cultural repression, inhibition, and sexual disenfranchisement.
Romantic degradation, n.
A Didionesque concept jettisoned by New Agers whenever the ship of morality sinks too low in the waters of indulgence. Seen floating in small pieces on the surface of lived experience where pretty much everything else in the New Ager's flotsamed life of low moral expectation floats.
Alchemy, n.
Conscripted by New Agers to provide a suitable metaphor for marital indiscretion. Alchemical theory asserts that the dross of two inconsequential and worthless lives can become a valuable "third thing" under the right conditions. In attempting to transmute the dross of illicit meetings, late night calls, sexual overtures, deceit, and lies into the gold of a highly charged, profound, and meaningful romance, the New Ager fails to note that what is left in this process is finally dross. (See Goethe's concept of elective affinity in some other lexicon).
Fidelity, n.
Medieval romantic concept lost on New Agers who prefer postmodernly to see this notion as a surface construct that mistakenly assumes human love to have a spiritual dimension. The second least used word in the New Age Lexicon.
Responsibility, n. Formerly used with the verb "to take," now used with the verb "to deny." In the biological world resembles the paramecium under medium light (lots of synchronized cilia paddling nowhere). In the art world, likened to Dali's flaccid clocks. PassÈ.
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When not a serviceable fiction for New Agers, a straightforward business entity. Always constructed, always negotiable, always perspectival. Like those tiny finger coral waving wildly in the current of moral superfluity and self absorption, New Age truth is able to hide itself at the slightest hint of accountability. A second tier linguistic entity for complex people.
Remorse, n.
Not in the New Age Lexicon (archaic)
Counseling, n.
With the Balkanization of emotion, marriage counselors, not unlike UN troops, rush in where they are seldom wanted and hardly effective. As a "soft" commodity, touted as a barometer of status, complexity (see complexity) and urbanity. "Sold" primarily during the late night of marital violation to emotional insomniacs who are desperately short on moral currency.
Counselor, n.
Alice-in-Wonderland figment of a hypoglycemic emotional imagination. Uniformly described as high-hatted and rabbit-like forever late and saying so. Tumbles convincingly through the moral absurdities of clients' one-dimensional lives.
Emotion, n.
The ciborium at the high altar of selfhood. Emotion and its oftentimes seductive twin sister mood fancifully seen as vassals in the kingdom of mood altering drugs. In the race car venue, described as the fuel-injected dragster that stops ridiculously by means of a parachute.
Judgment, n.
Synonymous with "nuisance" and "boondoggle." In dealing with judgment, New Ager's prefer to lie (both definitions) on their backs in the quicksand of moral relativism to avoid being sucked down. The New Ager's understanding of this term is best illustrated by the biblical story of King Solomon, who in order to determine the real mother of a disputed baby, proposes that the baby be cut into two equal parts. The new Ager is that mother who says:"Fine."
Judgmental, adj.
Curse word in the New Age. Evokes a garlic-and-cross response from New Agers.
Caveats (for the complex person caught in the extra-marital affair of the heart)
1. Needless to say, lie. And when lying, suggest existentially that there are only choices in life and the responsibility that goes with them (see responsibility) yet, at no time admit to any kind of moral guidance system that might make you accountable for your actions.
2. Transform the unpleasant extra-martial confrontation scene into a vaudevillian tertium quid. Encourage the low-voltage cuckold to find charm and laughter in your moral mischief while insisting comically that you could have been much more promiscuous than you were.
3. When dogged by irrefutable evidence of emotional infidelity, cut to damage control. Try „It's all a joke." "Get over it." "I thought you knew." "It was only a secret friendship." „This doesn't mean what you think it means."
4. Insist on your rights if damage control fails. Firmly, indignantly assert that the truth violates your dignity. Do not admit moral culpability--ever. Explain, if necessary, why you did what you did and leave it at that. Generally, assume the mien of the morally autistic.
5. Traffic in the opinions of the morally and emotionally crippled. There is nothing more compelling than to watch the morally blind traverse the mad intersections of morality and truth in the company of the morally blind.
6. Insist until axiomatically blighted that wrong is right, bad is good, that words mean only what you wish them to mean. Look up"Lotophagi."
7. When angry, threaten emotional alienation (see Zeus and Hera, Book 1, the Iliad).
8. While insisting on unhealthy friendships, also insist on having friends who are well versed in the holographic illusions of moral relativism. Musk-ox like, back to back, oppose the truth, snorting clouds of acrimony and recriminations. Rub butts and keep your horned heads down.
9. Familiarize yourself with the vocabulary of moral sophistry. To aid in mastering the use of this subtle lexicon, imagine you are Harry Houdini. Hung upside down, straight jacketed in a seemingly inescapable moral dilemma, turn the prospective catastrophe into a spectacle of escape. ( Make sure you hold your breath when entering the waters of emotional alienation--it's cold.)
10. Cross and recross your Rubicons. Burn your bridges only when necessary but not before you sneak back across for an emotional transgression or two.
STEVEN JOYCE is an Associate Professor of German and comparative Literature at Ohio State University, Mansfield campus. The recipient of several Fulbright grants, he has written a book on G. B. Shaw as well as scholarly articles on Thomas Bernhard, Italo Calvino, Michael Ondaatje, Marcel Proust, and others. He is currently completing a poetry chapbook and lives in Mansfield, Ohio with his wife and three children. Otherwise, he is an avid soccer player and skiier.
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