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BEELZEBUB'S BUZZWORDS - Larry McMurtry, Molly Ivins, Bruce Sterling, Jim Hightower... Yeah, ya'll we got a lot of good writers comin' outtah Tejas. Ole Jim Hightower put out a new book recently that I think might make you feel a little more In-The-Know about what all them folks is callin' our "Election Crisis."
Let's get real, my fellow Sanitation Engineers, and admit that we need to look to the SOURCE of the problem, not the danged symptoms! Jim Hightower is one ole boy who is durn good at that.
The title of Mr. Hightower's book is If the Gods Had Meant Us to Vote They Would Have Given Us Candidates. Lemme quote for ya'll a couplah passages outtah ole Jim Hightower's book. (Yeah, you can buy it for your own selves at Barnes & Noble, a sponsor of the G21, if you reckon you want to!) These were pulled at random, ya'll buy the book to get the full story.
ACCESS, n. The Yellow Brick Road. It leads straight into the back rooms of Washington. Access is what the buyers of political favors profess to be purchasing, as in: Our contribution to the Senator merely reflects our desire to have access to the legislative process. Buying access is distinguished from bribery chiefly by the fact that the latter has been declared illegal, while the former is still at large. Despite protests by political pettifoggers, experience teaches that there is no practical difference between buying an official's action and buying exclusive access to the official. Slang: Greasing the skids. "There is no question--if you give a lot of money, you will get a lot of access," a satisfied executive told the New York Times after his corporation had given $500,000 to the GOP. "All you have to do is send in the check." Many citizens are unaware that access is for sale, so out of ignorance they don't bid.ASK, THE, n. The key moment. After all the wine has been drunk and the dancing done, finally comes The Ask, the naming of a specific price; e.g., The chairman has the material you wanted him to see on that tax problem, Bob, and he hopes you'll consider donating 50 and raising another 50. Also called The Pucker.
BAIT, n. Officeholders and candidates. To hook a major donor, bait is offered in many forms: We can arrange a private meeting for you with the Speaker; or, The President will be golfing at Windswept on the 25th and there's an opening in his foursome; or, The Senator hopes you will sit at his table at the fundraiser. All bait opportunities are based on market price and availability. Overnights in the Lincoln Bedroom and appearances in Buddhist temples have been discontinued for 2000.
CLOSER, n. The one who does The Ask. Usually, the closer is a campaign official brought in to do the dirty work of asking a potential contributor for a certain amount of cash; some candidates, like Al Gore, are exceptions: "He's an excellent closer," a Gore confidant says. Colloquial: One who seals the deal.
DONOR, n. One who gives to get; a political investor; the most valued citizen in today's political system.
FUNDRAISER, n. The organizer of the bribery.
LEVERAGE YOUR VOICE, v. Euphemism for money talks, bullshit walks: Representative Ellen Tauscher, telling The Hill about the sudden flood of political money now surging out of Silicon Valley high-tech corporations, explained: "I think clearly it is important to be able to establish yourself as to how the political process works. I think that they understand that this is part of the process and that they want to leverage their voices." Synonym: pay to play.
MAINTENANCE, v. Taking care of big donors. Both national parties keep skilled mechanics available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, including road service. Preventive maintenance includes keeping donors well oiled with high-level phone calls, greasing any governmental problem they have and periodically bringing them to Washington to check their engine pressure and give them special briefings; e.g., former Senator Lloyd Bentsen used to hold a monthly breakfast open only to those who gave $10,000 or more, and former Senator Rudy Boschwitz issued special blue stamps to his contributors so his staff would expedite their mail. High maintenance: donors who demand lots of attention; slang: Whiners.
REPUBLICAN/DEMOCRAT, n. The two-faced mask of evil intentions worn by most lobbyists, all corporations and too many politicians: I am neither Republican nor Democrat, but both. Like Beelzebub himself, this is a creature that can take many forms but serves only one interest: his own. Slang: Republicrat.
WHORE, n. A term of endearment among insiders; a politician who engages in promiscuous legislative intercourse with a donor for money. While politicians never want to be called a whore in public, they often refer to each other as such in private as praise for being a successful fundraiser, as in: Why, you old whore, I heard you scored a big one with Globex International!
ZIPS, THE, n. The most bountiful hunting grounds for bagging campaign contributions by presidential and high-profile Congressional candidates. In order, the ten most lucrative ZIP codes, based on total amount of money given, are: 10021 and 10022 (Manhattan), 90210 (Beverly Hills), 10017 (Manhattan), 20008 and 20007 (Washington), 10128 (Manhattan), 33480 (Palm Beach, FL), 10028 (Manhattan), 90067 (Century City, CA). The five Manhattan ZIP codes run contiguously up the posh East Side of the city, from Forty-first Street to Ninety-sixth, stretching from Fifth Avenue to the East River--these are the penthouses of the clans that run Wall Street. The two Washington ZIP codes are the Woodley/Cleveland Park and Georgetown neighborhoods, where the top lobbyists dwell; fundraising consultants refer to these prestigious addresses simply as The ZIPs, as in: My candidate is having good luck in The ZIPs.
What does this here say about American democracy? Hey, I don't have any illusions. All I gottah say is that I have much more fun dealin' with real world stuff (that people are actually interested in) like dishing on celebs, whether they be politicians or not. I leave it to the high-minded folks like Hightower, Ivins and our publisher to worry about the country.
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