And then he compared homosexuals to alcoholics and kleptomaniacs (I admit that I enjoy a nice glass of wine and there was an incident with "Silly Putty" when I was in first grade). But am I sinner simply because I am gay?

Senator Lott thinks I am because his version of organized religion takes a literal interpretation of the Bible. His denomination brands gay and lesbian people as sinners, miscreants, transgressors, abominations to God, and all around "yucky" people.

And we are all going to burn in hell.

But it did get me to thinking about who might be sweating next to me in the eternal flames of damnation.

After all, if Senator Lott takes a literal interpretation of the Bible on homosexuality, then he must also have a literal interpretation of everything else the Bible says.

So let's begin by putting all of the gay, lesbian, and bisexual people into Senator Lott's version of Hell.

I imagine that we will turn it into a large fondue party (the cheese won't stay solid anyway) with a retro look from the 1960s. Lesbians will be tortured by having to play Twister and Yahtzee for all of eternity while gay men will be subjected to every Diana Ross and the Supremes song --- but not allowed to lypsinc or pantomime the words! And just as the last of the punch begins to evaporate, Senator Lott's other guests of hell begin to arrive.

First are all of the women who had sex before they were married (Deut. 22:20). This group is not only described as sinners but they are supposed to be stoned to death, too!

Do you think Senator Lott has a closet full of stones in his office just waiting for some innocent (well, obviously not that innocent) woman to walk by? Does he secretly read Shirley Jackson's The Lottery with ulterior motives?

The next group who catches the one-way elevator going down will be any child born out of wedlock (known before the 1970s as bastards). But not only are the bastards denied salvation, so are all of their descendants for 10 generations (Deut. 23:2).

Talk about holding a grudge!

Were Adam and Eve "married"?

Does Senator Lott really think that because someone's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather or grandmother was born out of wedlock, they too will be sent into the fiery furnace?

But just as we begin to ponder that question, the doorbell to Senator Lott's Hell is ringing again.

And when we open the door, who should be standing on the melting doormat, but everyone that has ever been divorced (Mark 10:11).

As for those people who get divorced and then remarried, they are, according to Senator Lott's literal interpretation of the Bible, committing adultery (Matthew 19:9). Oh, and that is punishable by stoning, too. I guess if the good Senator had his way we could toddle on down to the local supermarket and pick up 20 or 50 pound bags of rocks to go with our Easter ham!

Oops! Ham. That's another sin.

The pig itself is not a sin but eating any of its flesh is (Lev. 11:7).

So there goes the bacon, ribs, and pork chops!

And speaking of sinful eating, Red Lobster must be the devil's portal to this realm since we are not supposed to eat lobster, shrimp, crab or scallops (Lev. 11:10).

All in all, I think we are going to need a bigger Hell to accommodate all of Senator Lott's sinners.

We haven't even gotten to all of the people who masturbate, the men who trim their beards, anyone who talks back to their parents, works on the Sabbath, or were slaves and tried to escape from their masters.

As for myself, I plan on keeping an empty chair next to me in Hell. After all, Senator Lott (who is divorced, been known to scarf down a bar-b-cue sandwich, and probably "played" with himself on more than one occasion) will need some place to sit!