"Promise me you won't call an ambulance, I don't want any doctors cutting on me; promise me. I rather die at home than in a hospital." - my dad.

"I've asked my son to take me up to the cabin, and set me off into the lake in the rowboat if I get Alzheimer's ; hopefully, I'll remember to fall overboard" - "Fred", a senior citizen acquaintance of mine.

"You've got to quit eating that fattening stuff mom, it's killing you" - my brother (type A, health freak).

"I don't care if it's killing me, I've lived plenty long enough" - my mom, Nazi Holocaust survivor, and later (1975), the crushed survivor of a high-speed automobile collision.

"We should have him committed, he doesn't take proper care of himself" - my sister the attorney, regarding our father.

"Can't you just stop drinking, mom? You could get into a program?" "I can't, son, I can't handle reality" - my 16 year old son and his mother, my ex-wife.

"I want you guys to keep my body alive if something ever happens to me, even if I'm brain-dead" - my brother the attorney.

"She'll die within minutes if we shut off the respirator. Can one of you make the decision?" - the nurses regarding my ex-wife , who mercifully passed on 12/14/00 (r.i.p.).

"Pull the 'plug' on me, if I'm ever brain-dead or gonna be left a slobbering hulk; I'd hate to be a burden on the family" - me.

Recommending, deciding, or forcing the issue of what we think is best for someone else --- especially if it involves extended self-sacrifice on our part --- arguably could be one of the purest forms of altruism. Unlike spur-of-the-moment acts of "Good Samaritan-ism" or heroism, in which total action or inaction are the only options, any gratitude for bringing or attempting long-term change to someone else's life will come greatly after the fact, if ever. It's understandable that the "recipient" of our efforts in these situations will often be ungrateful or even hateful: often the "solution" requires a traitorous disregard of the "recipient's" wishes.

Friends killing themselves through substance abuse, trapped in abusive relationships or tangled in some other cycle of life-diminishing activity?

You COULD talk yourself blue in the face with them, but the bottom line is still "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink".

Over the past year, I've been faced with a number of these types of dilemmas.

• Should we stop life support for the relative who's terminal?
  
  
• Should we call the police on the abusive relative that might REALLY hurt someone "next time"?
  
  
• Do we form an alliance with some of our relatives and assume, against their wishes, legal guardianship of an elderly relative who is arguably speeding their demise through a lack of concern for their own well-being?
  
  
• Where does our "moral responsibility" to others end, and Mind Your Own Business (MYOB) begin?

Tough questions - maybe some of you have thought on this.

PROMISE BREAKING

Ed Cantarella

He insisted his hip was just bruised but as I lifted his frail body, I sensed his hip was fractured. I got him comfortable, made "the promise", and then made a bee-line for the nearest pay telephone to call for the paramedics. "YOU BASTARD! I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL!"

Weeks later, after his hip had been plated back together and he could walk again, and, the doctors had removed some colon polyps that he hadn't told anyone he was have bleeding from, my father called and thanked me.

My ex-wife, Nancy, had slowly crept up on a chronic drinking problem. First her grandmother died, then she lost her job, and since we weren't in dire financial straits and it was the middle of winter, she started staying home. Drinking and popping pills with another lady up the street, our life began to unravel.

Having pulled myself out of a substance abuse spiral, she became anathema to what I was trying to keep together. I tried to get her to go to therapy, AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), counseling - she refused all.

So I eventually filed for divorce and asked for custody of our two children.

My ex never really recovered from any of this: a car accident she caused while drunk - and she was out of a vehicle; other bad decisions - and she was living on the street. A filthy panhandler, looking much older than her 44 years on this planet. At the infrequent times when I was able to find her downtown, sleeping in one of the parks, she still refused any help in stopping her drinking. "Not ready, not ready to face reality".

When I called her mother after Nancy passed on, to find out what, if any arrangements were being made, her step-father grabbed the telephone, to give me one last "piece of his mind".

"This is all your fault, you piece of shit! If you wouldn't have divorced her and took her kids this never would have happened. You apparently didn't understand about 'through sickness and health' - asshole!"

There was nothing for me to say - maybe I deserved some of it. I let him go on until he was sounding kind of winded, then my former mother-in-law wrestled the phone away from him.

" It's not your fault, honey, you tried to get her to stop, I tried to get her to stop, Nicky (our son) tried to get her to stop - some people just can't stop and the drinking just ate her up.

"I'm just glad you and Nicky found her back on her birthday and were able to visit with her."

As the respirator kept her bloated body "breathing" (cirrhosis of the liver is a damn nasty way to go) I closed my eyes and remembered her beautiful brown skin, strong lithe body, gorgeous dark hair, and what a sharp dresser she had been. Had I done ALL I could have? Did I fail to keep a promise - to her? Was being there for my kids the reasonable limits of keeping "the promise" under the circumstances?

Obviously, I'm not at peace with "What if".

WHAT IF?

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." -- Sydney J. Harris

I can't change what happened to Nancy; hopefully "Next time", I'll be more successful.

......."There is a good life,
Right across the green field..
And each generation,
Stares at it from afar.
But we keep no check,
On our appetites.
So the green fields, turn to brown - Like paper in fire ."

Wishing all of you Peace, Prosperity, Good Health and Strength in YOUR struggles, today and in the New Year,
EC

COMMENTS? QUESTIONS? Go ahead and e-mail Ed.