COVER -> RECOMMENDED DAILY REQUIREMENT
DIRT CITY - Well, ya'll, here we are in the last days of the last year of the twentieth century, technically speaking, and lookin' back on the year 2000 this ole boy is breathless.
I mean, it ended with the longest, strangest election in United States history. And if that weren't bad enough, even now lots of folks feel like we got the wrong guy, the worst of the two possible evils. Hell, almost half a million more folks voted for the guy who lost than did for the guy who won! Can you say that could happen anywhere else on Earth? Only in America!
Now me, being the Sanitation Engineer that I am, I ain't surprised at all. I knew it was gonnah be a strange danged year when I was reading in my local newspaper that some lady out in California was suing ole Dirty Harry himself, Mr. Clint Eastwood, 'cause she said one of his hotels or somethin' didn't give enough access to disabled folks. She was so ticked off about not being able to get her wheelchair around Clint's dang joint that she took his hard butt to court.
I just shook my head back and forth real slow. You gottah know when Clint Eastwood is being sued for not meetin' some weird-beard federal regulations you is in for one bizarre year, with a capital B. And it was.
When bad thangs happen to gossip sites, the most popular trailer park places on the danged Internet in my estimation, something is wrong in Mudville. I don't know one person here in the trailer park who don't like dishin' the dirt. Yet, look what happened in the year 2000:
- Oprah Winfrey and some of her rich fem pals launched this network of sites called Oxygen.com, figuring they could easily corner the market on women Web surfers --- especially considering they was starting a women's TV network of the same name and could promote the durn dot.com on Oprah all they liked. Well, guess what? Oxygen is reported to be in need of some air, ya'll. They used to have a site on there called "Breakupgirl.com" (pretty catchy name, huh?) with this gossip columnist on there they called Mr. Gregoire. Mr. Gregoire was always doin' sightin's on your Madonnas and other New York gliterati. Well, Mr. Gregoire is now probably back to callin' himself Greg Whatever or working in some Soho hair salon, partners, caused Breakupgirl is no more. Shut down as Oprah and the gals try to figure out what they did wrong.
- Then I thought I might surf on over to iCast.com this here weekend to checkout some of their reader submitted rumors, gossip and outright lies about our favorite celebrities. Oops! Ole iCast.com bit it this year, too!
Now from the point of view of Tabloid Hart, when the gossip sites start to tank, thangs are pretty-near gettin' outtah hand!
I ain't cryin' no crocodile tears, though, 'cause I know in my little dumpster divin' heart that between New Yawk and El Lay they got plenty enough screwed-up, revolvin'-door-marriage, semi-psychotic people to satisfy my taste for the sleazy and salacious, God Bless 'em!
And let's not even get into Merry Olde Angland! Them folks love dirt as much as anybody --- where you think we got our trailer trash genes from here in America. So I hopped right on over to News of The World to check out the dirt on Madonna's wedding in Scotland. I wasn't disappointed.
Madonna's always good for some tasty gossip. Hell, how many women you know done slept with almost the entire NBA? Dennis "The Worm" Rodman can still get mileage on late night talk shows by just droppin' hints about his ancient-days affair with The Material Girl.
But let's get back to today's dirt.
Even more'n Katie Couric, Meg Ryan has got to be one of the luckiest dang no-talent "perky"-smile females on this here planet, ya'll. I can't find any other excuse for her film (so-called) "career." And what gets my trailer trash heart apumping right now is that I can't find no excuse for why actors with successful careers would suddenly think about marrying this agin' bimbette at the height of they own careers.
Remember Dennis Quaid? Sure ya' do. He was kindah good in that biopic on ole Jerry Lee Lewis --- he was almost as clownish as Jerry Lee himself! Well, old Dennis married Ms. Sleepless only to find out in the year 2000 that she was dumpin' his country ass in favor of Russell "LA Confidential, The Insider, Gladiator" Crowe. Russell says he's gonnah get hitched to ole Meg down at this ranch of his'n in Australia.
I don't know, mebbe if all yo're used to seein' is wallabies, kangaroos and crocodiles, ole Meg Ryan starts to look good to you...
Then there's the sad case of "young" Melanie Griffith.... I won't sink so low as to get into all that talk about how or why Melanie's lips look weird... But what is weird is all the buzz going on about her going in and outtah some rehab clinic (for about seven days) to get her act together only to rush back home. It seems them rumors about husband number two, Antonio Banderas (another reputed notch on the Material Girl crotch) having made the sign of the double aardvark with our next Laura Croft, Angelina Jolie, made her feel like she should stay close to the home scene... Addiction problems be damned.
See what I mean about the bizarre and unbelievable nature of the year 2000?
Of course, from the trailer park perspective, I'm expecting the year 2001 to be even better! I mean, when you got a mush-mouthed, reformed coke head and drunkard with a paper-thin resume as the Leader of the Free World --- hot dang, ya'll! --- the joints gottah be jumpin'!
REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash...
COMMENTS? QUESTIONS? Go ahead and e-mail Tom Hart.
This week's Poll: My Plan for 2001 is to ...?
RDR RECOMMENDED SITE OF THE DAY: Jon Lovitz's movie reviewer take-off "The Critic" used to give folks a few laughs on TV. Now you can check it out as part of Shockwave.com. It's still funny...
