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RDR Logo. OAKTOWN - "People love lists!" our Esteemed Editor e-mailed me. "Why not do your next column as a list?" The only list I could think of doing, Homeboys and -girls, was one of the stuff I DON'T want any of ya'll doin' if you ever are in the vicinity of me and Tanya's crib. You can call this "Thangs That Will Get You Beatdown If You are Fool Enuff to Do Them at Raheem's Crib."

I like to think of myself as an hospitable Brother, but at the same time some folks just don't seem to know that there are limits -- even to the "Mi casa, su casa" mentality. So this is meant for them. (I know that most of ya'll are very polite folks or you wouldn't have become part of the G21 family, so this is just for amusement purposes for you, Homeslices.)

RULE 1: Don't be referring to my girl as "Waitress."

Just because we have offered you the hospitality of our home, don't take it to mean because you see Tanya bringin' me a fresh beer that she is behooved to do the same for you. You got feet, sucker! Use 'em. We keep the beer the same place as ever'body else, in the fridge.

RULE 2: NEVER drink the last 40.

That's just common sense, you would think, but some folks never read Miss Manners and nevered learned that "The nice girl doesn't eat the last cookie." Well, now you know that when visiting The Crib that rule applies to you. If you open the fridge and discover that there is only one 40 left, do the right thang and volunteer to run down to the store and buy some more. Then we'll both be happy. But remember:

RULE 3: Yes, that Prowler parked out front is mine and NO, you can't borrow it And don't even think about asking me to give you a "quick spin."

This is just Common Sense again, Homes. The corner store ain't that far away. Remember those appendages at the end of your legs? If you're like most people, you prob'bly came over to The Crib in your own ride. Don't ask if you can borrow mine.

Photo of a Plymouth Prowler. I bought that car with my hard-earned scratch for the enjoyment of Tanya and myself. I wasn't even thinking about you at the time. I'm sure you weren't thinking about me when you bought your ride, either.

RULE 4: Keep your feet inside those high-tops!

I shouldn't have to elaborate on this one too much. Let's just say that I have no desire to know the secrets contained within those size 13s. I'd appreciated it if you didn't share them with my lovely, new wife.

RULE 5: "Hey, Dude, what happens when I do this ... ?" is a verboten phrase.

No, I don't want to know all the mysteries of my lava lamp. I don't want to see what happens if we max out the speakers on my stereo. I don't need or want to know about this way of pirating the Playboy Channel your homey told you about. I don't want to hear if there are any "secret" messages on my vinyl albums if you try to play them backwards. I just don't. And I certainly don't want to know if you can balance yourself on top of a forty on my living room coffee table while holding a bottle of MD 20-20 on your nose. Try that trick at YOUR Crib.

RULE 6: Don't be shouting down me or my other guests during a conversation.

If what you have to say makes sense, we'll prob'bly want to hear it. Just remember we is all in the same room and The Crib ain't that large. We can make out everything you have to say when delivered in a normal speaking voice and there's no need for the neighbors to have to partake of our conversation, my brother.

IF the only way you feel you can get your point across is by shouting the rest of us down, you're just like those jerks on all those political talk shows. You know what I do to them? Change the channel. Since you don't respond to the remote control, expect that I might use some more physical and immediate measure in response to you.

RULE 7: Couples, please leave your personal business at home.

Or if you have to bring them with you to The Crib, keep them to yourselves. While you're our guests, at least act like you're having a good time. Talk to people other than each other.

We really don't want or need to know why you're ready to bite each others heads off. We certainly don't want to know all of your business or be witnesses to the first divorce proceedings. We certainly have no inclination to tell you what we would or would not put up with.

It's your problem. Not ours. Let's keep it that way.

Thank you.

RULE 8: The volume on the television set doesn't need to pass the halfway mark -- even during The Game.

If you are hearing-impaired, show me one of them little cards before sitting down in The Crib. I can set the TV set to one of them close-captioned options or whatever. You see, no matter how you like the volume at your own crib, you are now in MY Crib and I like to be able to hear myself think. I don't get any special "Like we are really there" feeling from having to yell while I'm talking to people in the same room, and I DO want to hear what my other guests are saying.

**Radio Raheem**

RULE 9: Don't leave bottles, cans, plates, etc. in the living room for us to clean up.

Garbage receptacles have been strategically placed throughout the facility for your convenience. Dishes and other kitchen items should be placed in the sink, not left at your feet by the sofa.

RULE 10: Sleep is A Good Thing; Know when to leave.

You one of those people who don't know when it's time to leave The Crib? Let me help you.

Here are some basic clues:

My eyes glaze over and then my eyelids start drooping.
I start yawning a lot.
Tanya says: "Well, I guess I'm ready to call it a night.." and leaves the room.
Everyone else has already left. You're the only one around. You're also the only one talking. (It would look like the party was over to me.) And finally,
I get up and open the door and just stare down at you.

If you can take these 10 simple and easy rules into account you are welcome at Casa Raheem & Tanya, a.k.a. The Crib, whenever you happen to be in east Oaktown. Otherwise, keep your ass where you are --- or expect a beatdown.

Peace out.

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