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Time for Love - I awakened, frustrated, with the word "Sweetheart" on my lips.
I had been trying to explain to her what I had found so much difficulty in saying throughout the dream. I was trying to explain that all of my reticence had to do with time.
We had been sitting on the porch and talking and I knew that things were going badly. I couldn't find the words to cross the chasm that stood between us and explain my reticence and why, as she wanted, I could not move on to the next level of our involvement. Then, in the dream, we were inside and there was another woman (my anima?) trying to help us through this. But it wasn't working. It wasn't working because I could not find the right words.
THEN I was in the bedroom. There were the three of us, the other woman standing in the doorway, me and her. We were all nude. The other woman said that we needed to talk this out, we should keep trying. And then she closed the door and went away.
My girlfriend and I were there alone. She was sitting at the foot of the bed and very upset. I was sitting on the bed.
"I thought that you loved me more than I loved you," she said to me. "I thought you adored me and I felt guilty for not loving you more. Now, now we have come to this. I don't understand you."
I wanted to say that I thought she was perfect. She was lovely, caring, everything that I believed I wanted in a woman -- except that I was worried that she was a little young. And I felt that I didn't deserve someone this good.
But there was also the thing about time. And before I could stop myself I had blurted, "I do love you. But how can I be sure when I don't know you that well. Come on! I'm almost 50!" And that was it.
In the dream, I knew that I had only known her a couple of years. How could that be time enough to know if you really loved someone?
What happened next was the usual stuff of erotic dreams. We were on the bed together and she was offering herself to me. But I was still trying to get the words right! I wanted her to wait. I was saying, "No listen. Darling, it's like this... Sweetheart!"
And then I awakened. I was frustrated by not finding the right words to explain myself.
Lying awake, I worked through it in my head. What I was saying in the dream was that I no longer felt there was time enough for love. Part of this long celibacy has been about that.
Well, that certainly got the mental tapes rolling!
Even with my only wife it had been about time! Early on I had laid down the condition that we would only marry after a requisite period of time with each other, so we could be sure.
The only woman I ever didn't have the time problem with was Peggy. With her it was all impulsiveness. I couldn't be around her without getting a woody. Thank God, there was usually a desk between us. It was so bad I finally had to just break down and tell her I wanted her in the worst way. (That last proved to be true! I was totally in thrall.)
And then there is my "dream girls" thing. Long-term readers will know how I've managed to spoil myself. It's impossible for me to accept a woman who would accept a schlub like me, at this point, because I'm used to a diet of cheesecake. The very idea of going to bread is unthinkable.
Not that I wasn't an equal opportunity gourmand. Sudan, the Azores, Scotland, Taiwan, here of course, they were all good to me, as long as they were "foxes," as Martin and Ackroyd used to say. Don't speak English, I'll learn your language! No problem!
I just refused, as Mr. Tuna puts it, to be caught with "Aunt Bea" on my arm. And now I'm paying for that, too.
And then I'd think about the angst of bad relationships, as this site sent to me by Loyal Reader Scott Morin today exemplifies. PschoExGirlfriend.com. WARNING: These VoiceMails are **Painful** to listen to.
But let's get back to the core issue, time. Nine out of ten women I've ever been involved with for any length of time pursued me. IF they had waited around for me to take the initiative, nothing would have ever happened. I was great for a one-night stand, but a long-term relationship -- fat chance! I was mostly in the predator mode. It was that simple. The idea of having to actually deal with a woman on a long-term basis was not on my agenda.
Just wasn't interested. AND IF I did feel something beyond lust, I immediately began considering the time factor. Does she have long-term loyalty and commitment? Am I willing to go the distance?
Bear in mind that this was years ago. I was still quite young and callow. But, at the very moment when you'd think that would all be behind me, I opted out entirely. I made no serious efforts at forming any kind of relationship at all. After Beth, I simply threw in the towel.
That was eight years ago, roughly.
Dating? Since then I've gone out to dinner, movies, concerts, political events, New Year's Eve parties with other women, but in the role of an escort. I've seldom even considered being intimate with them. While I lived in Manhattan, I ran into difficulty with a Jamaican woman because she couldn't figure out why I suddenly dumped her. (Long-term readers also know about my tendency to dump my paramours unexpectedly.) She simply wanted to get too close. I've given up on explaining my mercurial nature.
And it's all been about time. That's what I learned from the dream.
As I worked to complete this essay tonight, I received a copy of an e-mail from one of you that moved me deeply. It was a man in some city here in America who had read BOB POWER's most recent review and decided to take the time to share his own experience after reading about Bob's grand-daughter Carrie's accident and the support that friends, readers here and relatives have shown.
What was so moving about this e-mail is that we very often forget here, in the silence that "lurking" on the Internet affords, how many of you take the time to read our maunderings, our insights, our rants.
It's incredibly easy to forget that the majority of you don't take the time to let us know we touched you at all.
This gentlemen wrote, in part:
I do hope that your granddaughter is recovering well. Prayer, love and compassion from friends and relatives is very important.I unfortunately know this from a recent experience.
I was in a car accident back in November. My father was driving my wife, my 3 children, my mom and I back from a family reunion in my van. He lost control of the van. My wife and 2 of the kids were thrown from the van. My wife did not survive...
I cannot imagine this kind of loss. I certainly hope I'll never experience it. But it brings home my point that we should value life more than we do, show more compassion.
I hope you just get that from reading this magazine.
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