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RDR Logo. AUSTIN, TEJAS - The latest Big Fun activity for the gutter punks down here in the trailer park -- when Jerry Springer or Rikki Lake ain't on the tube -- is throwing darts (or automatic weapons fire, if you got 'em) at posters of Osama bin Laden while blasting Wesley Willis's "F--- With Me and FIND OUT!" That song's become kindah a secondary national anthem down here since those ragheads attacked America. It's in keeping with how a lot of us down here in the Lone Star state feels about this here war. Far as we're concerned the Dubya's listenin' too much to that danged Colin Powell and not kickin' butt fast enough!

And what's with that durn food-drop? This ain't about coddlin' no A-rab ass! This here is revenge, Buddy! After we drop bin Laden and Co., the Taliban, etc., we should be marchin' on to Iraq!

Hey, Shrub, Lissen up! Here's the Real Deal: Yo' Daddy made the mistake of listenin' to Colon-ass-Powell and SADDAM HUSSEIN IS STILL IN POWER. What happened? Bubba from Arkansas wipes his butt three ways from Sunday in the next election.

Take some advice from a fellow Texican on this one, Dubya. IF you wannah vindicate the Bush family name and be another second term President, the first thang you gottah do is muzzle ole Colon -- give him a danged colostomy bag and put him on the trophy self. Look at his danged record, for crimey's sake: Vietnam? Loser. Desert Storm? Loser. What makes you think he's got it right this time. (Stop applauding, my fellow Sanitation Engineers. I ain't finished with this roll yet.)

So, George, take it from me. Here's what y'all gottah do this time:

Conquer Afghanistan and kill Osama bin Laden. A quick bullet to the head, no questions asked. America will enshrine you as the next George Washington.

Keep the ball rollin' by marching into Baghdad and gettin' rid of that miscreant Saddam Hussein once and for all. Yore momma will love you for that one and we'll be in posession of a bunch of new oil fields. You know the oil business, at least, Pardner. That should be a no-brainer.

Nuke Israel.

Wait a minute, before you panic on that one, Dubya, hear me out! Numero Uno: You lose the onus of supposedly wagin' a war on the Islamic Nation instead of a war on terrorism. Numero Duo: Middle East Problem solved! Numero Three-o: You get major props from all over the Arab states. We made a mistake in 1948, look to the future.

George, y'all surely remember our ole sayin' down here in BubbaLand, "Don't mess with Texas." Well, now we should update that to speak for the American people in this here anthrax-encrusted-don't-open-yo'-danged- mail-World-Trade-Center-down-and-out crisis and tell them folks over there "F--- with America and FIND OUT!"

I don't think I'm alone in this here opinions, Shrub. Just come down to the firing range here in the trailer park and ask anybody. I think my fellow Sanitation Engineers would back me up on this one, too.

Lookahere. We all know that what this whole danged thang is about is you two rich boys, Osama and you, playin' King of the Hill. No little ink has been wasted on how the Bush family and the bin Laden family go way back. (It's kindah like yo' Daddy and Noreiga, truth be told.) So's this is one of the few times I be rootin' for y'all, Shrub. BUT ONLY IF YOU DO IT RIGHT, FOR A CHANGE.

You gonnah be a warmonger, be a BadAss warmonger. Show Osama and Co. no quarter whatsodangedever! The point of King of the Hill to win! No half-steppin' allowed.

But, be real here, Shrub: We Americans are itchin' for a danged Empire. So let's get on with us. Let's just flat-out CONQUER a few countries -- particularly countries with oil fields, Buddy -- and be done with it.

You already told the rest of the world they is either with us or against us. Take the next logical step. What are they gonnah do once we own the Middle East? To paraphrase: "How many nukes have the EU got?" Get my drift? We can just take that stuff and wait for the foreign ambassadors to come bowin' and scrapin' at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Now that's what ole Tabloid Hart would call the American Century!

Now here's the gravy: Once we own them oil-producing countries outright, and don't need to waste our resources protecting the former state of Israel, you don't need to do no wrong-headed tax cut. We'll be richer than Croesus! Remember the economy, stupid? Again: Problem solved!

And while we're at it, Georgie Boy, how about kickin' down some pork toward yore fellow Texicans here in God's Country for our wit and wisdom, why don't you? You'll be Emperor of the Free World. I was thinking about a little Barony for myself. A big ole trailer park somewhere in the south of France would be a good start. Nobody likes them danged frogs anyways.

This week's Poll: "After all that's happened, my new motto is ...?"

WEB SITE PICK OF THE WEEK: Somewhere in England there are people talking peace. Drop by the Stop the War Coalition. Please.

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