I expect, and rightly so, that my Publisher will diss me about this, but I simply don't have a TABLOID HART article worth a good guldarn for this week.

"Do Dollar Bill and Monica!" I can imagine some of ya'll might say. Yeah right. Like that would be something that ever' body from ABC News(with their 1996 tape of B & M) ain't already playin' to death. Or that some of the sleazier-than-The-National-Enquirer won't use to get ya'll's attention.

Hey! Hey! I like to think I'm better than that.

Fact is, Sanitation Engineers, even TABLOID HART has some standards.

I was hopin' to dish on VH1's Artist of the Month, Madonna, who turns 40 this month. But you know what? She's gettin' downright tame. Doin' yoga on the Rosie O'Donnell show, slimmin' down, and puttin' out a new album that makes her look like a pop star again. Hell, she was even on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT last week!

Is that dish material? I DON'T THINK SO.

So, despite the opprobium I'm more than likely to get for saying this, it's hotter than July down here in Tejas, my AC is going full blast, and I don't have a darned thing to say. Sue me.

If more of ya'll came over to my TRAILER PARK with dishy thangs to say, I might be able to work this here out. But you haven't.

Not that I'm blaming you for being lazy ass lurkers, of course. Heaven forbid.

But, if you ever cracked a regular daily newspaper, like I have once or twice, you probably read umpteen articles written during the month of August about the dog days and how it's "slow news" time with Congress bein' outtah session and all that.

Is this any different?

Look here: I'll see you after Clinton confesses to everything and the DNA on that blue cocktail dress proves conclusively that Monica is the best tube-steak connoisseur on the planet, okay?