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Jos, NIGERIA - I hate it when people suffer. I hate it most when I suffer. Yet, it was George Eliot who said, "Deep unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state." A baptism we could all do without, no doubt. I would certainly hate to be the one to offer these words to victims of Hurricane Katrina or to anyone suffering from a monumental loss. I certainly was in no frame of mind to absorb these words in recent times following the "meltdown" of my marriage.
Ngozi
Razak-SoyebiOur dear editor, whom I am still eternally grateful to God left New Orleans before Katrina struck, wrote recently of me in his column, MY GLASS HOUSE-Tin Cup Journalism, " ... I received an e-mail from NGOZI RAZAK-SOYEBI, who contributes here when she is of a mind ... " I must admit that I smiled a little to myself when I read this and whispered to myself, "if only he knew." I haven't been of a mind recently to breathe much less write, but I can truly say now that things are getting better and I am finally regaining control of my life.
REGAINING CONTROL?
A lot of people -- counsellors, friends and family -- toss these two words out so easily when they talk to people going through one personal loss or the other. These words are meant to offer hope, yet, I have always wondered. even before now, how easy it is to regain absolute control of one's life after the breakdown of a marriage, the loss of a loved one, or, as in the case of victims of natural disasters, the loss of?virtually everything one holds dear. Not easy,?I dare say. Perhaps one might not regain absolute control of one's life right away or ever again, but it is possible to put some control back into one's life.
A lot of people never truly realize how fortunate they are until something catastrophic happens to rock their world. That is what the gradual meltdown -- I prefer to use the word?"meltdown" instead of "breakdown" because, well, it did sort of meltdown -- of my marriage did to me. It made me realize how fortunate I was to be from a middle-class background, and how fortunate I was, too, to have sailed through my primary, secondary and tertiary education seemingly ?effortlessly ...
Why, I had earned my B.Sc degree at nineteen, had a masters under my belt at twenty-three and secured my first job a year later. Naturally, I had suffered some personal loss along the way like the?death of my maternal grandmother, whom I adored so much, as well as the death of my father and a close friend from university. However, I have since learned that deciding to end a marriage is a whole lot different from the loss of a loved one.
You receive a lot more support from the people around you when you lose a loved one than when you decide to end a marriage. Here I was, literally going through a very rough time and almost everyone around me was trying to talk me into staying on?in a difficult situation. Perhaps this is because divorce, though fast becoming a common phenomenon, is still largely taboo in these parts of the world. It irritates the hell out of me when my friends and family struggle to find the words to explain that I am going through a divorce. It certainly isn't a topic you bring up at family gatherings much less discuss the gory details involved.
This article, I'm glad, isn't about the gory details that made me decide to end a marriage I thought would last forever. Two dignified words offered by my lawyer?sums it up rather nicely ... irreconciliable differences.
Okay, so I'm not going to dish out the dirt here on my soon-to-be ex. I'd much rather focus on the steps I took towards getting my life back on track. I'm not about to fool anyone by saying it's been a piece of cake or that it happened all at once. On the contrary, it's been hard as hell and there are still days when I feel like poking needles into my soon-to-be ex. In spite of these, though, I am pleased to declare that I am making good progress.
One thing that worked in my favor, I guess, is the fact that I have always?had a high self-esteem. I told myself straight out that this didn't happen to me because I was bad or because God loved me any less and was taking delight in?watching me suffer. It happened because, well, it happened. Period.
Once, I'd accepted that, I decided on a plan of action that would enable me to put some control back into my life. One of the first things I did was to regain control of certain aspects of my life which I had, over the years, relinquished over to my spouse. Even before I moved out -- oh yes, it is usually the women who move out in this part of the world -- I learned to depend on myself for little things such as mailing my letters and collecting my mail from the post office by myself. I?never liked going to the mechanics and so I sold my car rather than let my soon-to-be ex handle that for me anymore. The car was old, anyway!
My personal motto became, "If I couldn't handle it myself, then it wasn't worth doing." In other words, I learned to become completely self-reliant, even over the most mundane things.
It helped, too, that I had my source of income and wouldn't?be entirely out on a limb. Even so, I felt better able to deal with my situation once I had cleared out a few outstanding debts and had a firmer grip on my finances. I decided, too, to cut down on my spending. If it wasn't absolutely necessary then it could wait. The only exception to this was the needs of my little girl; my one claim to sanity in the midst of adversity.
There is nothing quite like putting the needs of another person first to take your mind off your troubles. Make that a toddler and finding?the odd five minutes to dwell on your troubles becomes a chore in itself. Simply knowing that someone is totally dependent on you forces you to put together a plan for the future, which is one major step towards regaining control of your life. It isn't necessary to work out a ten-year survival plan. Simply getting through the day or week is good enough to begin?with.
A change of environment is also a good step towards regaining control. It helps to get out of an environment that causes pain?or anguish, or, in my case, dulls my creativity. What did I do? I moved up North to Jos from Lagos. Living in the sleepy, little town of Jos is also a whole lot easier on my finances than living in a metropolitan area like Lagos.
Of course, what worked for me might not necessarily work for another person and it is harder when you are faced with the sort of monumental loss caused by natural disasters. I agree wholeheartedly that no one deserves to be hit by misfortune, but it happens anyway, one way or the other, whether we are prepared to deal with it or not. So, is it not better to accept it and look for a way forward? It's really no use sitting around bemoaning your situation. It won't change a thing. Indeed, you will only sink deeper into despair. It pays instead to develop a new mental attitude aimed at regaining control of your life. Helen Keller it was who said, "The world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming it.' So, do I look forward to the future and being a single parent? You bet!?
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