Okay, people. It's time to stop bickering. I'm taking over as King, and I'm tired of all you yammerheads going at each other when we have important business to take care of.

First directive: Bill Clinton, you're out. I expect your resignation on my desk by noon tomorrow. You and Hillary have 30 days to get your stuff out of the White House. I don't mind having a horny President, but I can't tolerate someone so stupid that they'd have an office romance when they work from home!

Al Gore may be a dud, but I'll be there to keep him from screwing up too badly, so don't worry.

Second Directive: Henry Hyde, Dick Armey, Newt Gingrich, Trent Lott, and the rest of you are hereby ordered to shut up.

Trent, ol' buddy, every time someone in DC goes homophobic we later find out they're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but after you've mouthed off about how you don't like homosexuals when you are one, you sound stupid.

Newt and Henry, you guys got to stop jamming other people for getting blowjobs from the girlies. Not only aren't we interested, but if we were, you'd be up for impeachment, too.

(If you want a little fast, discreet fling, I know a Vietnamese guy who runs a massage parlor about a mile from the Capitol. Tell Jimmy you're my buddy and you'll get 'full service' with no hassles, okay? Bring $60 for the massage and $100 for the girl.)

And Armey, I'm tired of this harping about how capital gains should be taxed at a lower rate than a working person's wages. We workers already pay 12.6% of our income (up to $65,000 per years) in FICA, besides the actual income tax, and the investment people don't.

Why fuck us harder?

Didn't think so.

How about, for a change, doing a REAL flat tax, on all kinds of income, with a $10K deduction at the bottom? That'd bring in more revenue, be 100% fair, and the tax forms would only take a couple of minutes to fill out and file.

GET TO STEPPING ON THIS! NO STUDY GROUPS OR HEARINGS. JUST DO IT!!!

Third Directive: G21 writers Raheem and Winbush, nobody cares whether you call each other niggers or not. The current derogatory word is "Yoes," and it applies to all hop-hip types of any race. You want to be a Yo, be one and stay out of my neighborhood. It's quiet around here and we like it that way. You want to be a rational, contributing member of society, fine. Welcome! Pick any skin color you like. We could care less.

Meanwhile, both of you need to listen to the old Lenny Bruce routine where he says "nigger nigger nigger nigger..." over and over until the word is meaningless. Might as well be "Altoona" after the 1000th repetition. That was Lenny's point. He did the same with the word "cocksucker," which was once a synonym for "faggot." But as Lenny said, "It also describes any woman with whom I could have a serious, meaningful relationship." (Glad we got that settled.)

Fourth Directive: The use of "blink" tags on the World Wide Web shall cease. There will be a $100 fine for each one I spot after next Tuesday. Creators of animated banners that I find distracting will be shot, starting two weeks from today. My newly formed NetPolice.Squad will enforce these rules.

(Applications for NetPolice.Squad available at the front desk on your way out. Interesting work, good pay, excellent benefits, work your own hours part or full-time.)

Fifth Directive: All drug laws are abolished as of now. But -- and it's a big but -- you can no longer use a drug habit as an excuse for crime. You steal, you'll work for the State until you've earned back double what you stole. You hurt someone, you get hurt twice as much in return, and when you recover you'll work until you pay FULL restitution. You kill, you die. Just like that. Simple, fast, and easy. The courts will be unclogged, the police will have less to do, and you'll be able to walk down the streets in any neighborhood, anytime, without being harassed by either police or criminals, no matter who you are. Unless you screw up. Then we'll be on you like 1000 KG of bricks.

That's it for today, fellow Americans. I'll be working on plans for the Universal Government Service Draft and reveal them before long. You'll like this one. It'll give all late-teeners some discipline, cool uniforms to wear, a chance to contribute something to their country, and a chance to share barracks housing with people they otherwise wouldn't have had a chance to meet.

Besides, it'll cut the cost of running the government by at least 60%, because all the simple jobs, like mail delivery and clerical or janitorial work, will be done by draftees, so we'll only need a small corps of permanent Civil Servants to do the hard stuff and oversee the kids.

That all for today. My limo is out front, and I have places to go and people to see.