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Editor's Note: In keeping with the theme of this week's issue of G21, Good Doctor English has only responded to letters from female writers. It should be understood that in the future the doctor will also respond to those problems posed by students who share his own sex. Though, it must be admitted, he does prefer letters from his female audience (especially when accompanied by photographs)
Dear Good Doctor English,
I am an English student in Costa Rica. I have always thought that articles went in front of nouns like "hospital," "university," and "holiday." But now we have this teacher from England and he doesn't use them. He says things like, "Why were you in hospital?" or "He studied at university." It just sounds weird to me. Please help!
Maria
San Jose, Costa Rica
Dear Maria,The good doctor feels for you. Several years ago he spent a grueling seven months drinking warm ale in public houses along the Kent coast of England, occasionally educating the punters on the history and usage of their native tongue. The experience, albeit charming at first, ultimately became the most disillusioning chapter of the good doctor's storied career (one can only listen to so many stories about a vanquished empire). Although loath ever to label any version of English as the most "proper," the doctor is a traditionalist on this point. Keep in mind Maria that the standard American English you have learned bears a closer resemblance to the standard British English of the eighteenth century and Romantic period than the version employed today across the pond. After all, the United States' forefathers were the brightest and among the best-educated citizens of the monarchy -- masters of the written and spoken word. And Americans, sentimental as we are, have kept on using King George's English, as well as his weights and measures, while the Brits have messed with the language, taken on a Queen, and gone metric. Keep the bloody articles, dear.
Dear Good Doctor English,I am student in Korea. Our Korean English teacher keeps hitting us over the head with grammar rules and terms to memorize. I say that this can not be best way to learn grammar. There must be better technique and I would like to know how you teach grammar. I will share your answer with teacher next class.
Hyun
Seoul, Korea
Dear Hyun,Best not to blame your teacher for following the strictures of what the Korean education system has taught her as the way. Old habits are hard to break and ways become so entrenched that it's difficult to stray from the path and into the dark wood. But stray into the dark forest we must, if we are ever to emerge and bask in the warm sunshine of correct English usage. You see, Hyun, Doctor English is an Asian mystic at heart when it comes to learning grammar. Having many years ago been taken under the wing of ESL Zen Master Rick McGarry, affectionately know by his Asian students as Dr. Lick, the good doctor now leads his students on a grammatical journey equivalent to the sound of one hand clapping: parentheticals without expressions, passivity without voice, verbs without tense, punctuation without representation. The mind boggles. Then at some point, like magic, everything makes sense ... or it doesn't. Why? Because grammar isn't a set of rules that one memorizes, Hyun, but a living, complex, evolving, thing that must be experienced, enjoyed, and accepted for what it is. In other words, grammar is much like a woman.
gooddoctorenglish@hotmail.com
Dear Good Doctor English,I enjoyed your debut column. But was curious as to just what credentials you have for proffering up advice to naive ESL students. It is well known that most English as a foreign language lecturers are blokes who couldn't cut it in their own countries, many who have no experience at all in pedagogy except for a four week stint at some dodgy TOEFL school. Do you even have a doctorate?
Jennifer
Sydney, Australia
Dear Jennifer,If the world were a place where fairness and justice reigned, the twelve years that the good doctor spent as a recipient of higher learning would have ended in a Ph.D. But the world, especially that of academia, is sadly not such a place, but rather a strange metaphorical outback populated by wildlife not unlike the kind found in the outback of your own country. During his school days, the young doctor English would often marvel at how competing academics often looked like boxing kangaroos. And more than once he could have sworn to have heard the swish of a tail as an administrator closed a door. So, alas, the answer to your last question, Jenny, is indeed no. But it seems to the good doctor that those two hundred plus college credits he earned should amount to something, at least to appease his long suffering mother who fears that she raised a ne'er-do-well. And, so, that something is the ability to write this advice column. For which, of course, in his mind he is eminently qualified. The good doctor would like to add that he does appreciate the concern you show for his naive readers. He truly does.
Dear Good Doctor English,We have new American teacher at our institute in Thailand and he is like superstar. All the girls think he is so handsome. He is not my teacher and I wondered about trying to date him. I know it is not good for a teacher to date his students. But do you think it is ok for teacher to date student when he is not her teacher. How would I approach him?
Kritsana
Chachoengsoa, Thailand
Dear Kritsana,The doctor is a firm believer that the activities of two consenting adults are their own business. And as long as the student is not actively taking a course by the teacher she likes, he foresees no ethical problems. Having recently arrived in Thailand, myself, I've noticed that Thais are a chatty, gossipy, people, so I would warn you to use discretion. Don't approach him on campus. But be direct when you do. Americans like women who are direct and don't beat around the bush. If you are not certain what the colloquialism "beat around the bush" means, use that as an icebreaker when you approach him with your amorous designs. How does, seven o'clock, Wednesday night, at The Boat House sound?
Mail your questions and problems to the good doctor at: gooddoctorenglish@hotmail.com
Send your questions to: gooddoctorenglish@hotmail.com
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