GOOD DR. ENGLISH

Melly Xmas! My English not Velly Good

by D.A. Blyler

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Dear Good Doctor English,

Your column is a curious one. It was funny, and I'm sure accurate, that Asian students used to refer to your ESL mentor as Dr. Lick (instead of Rick), but it also brings up the problem of pronunciation among students from that part of the globe. Do you know of any techniques used to ease the confusion Asian students have pronouncing the letters "r" and "l"?

Douglas
Tokyo, Japan


Dear Douglas,

Due to the good doctor's peculiar temperament he eschews techniques in the favor of tricks. In this situation, he uses what is known as "The Bic in Mouth Trick." Have your students place a pen lengthwise across the back of their mouths. As it is the holiday season, have them say something like Merry Christmas, I love you long time (a phrase heard often in Bangkok and Tokyo watering holes this time of year). Tell your students that when they pronounce the letter "r" their tongues should touch the pen, but when they say the letter "l," it should not. Within minutes you'll have them delivering holiday wishes like true professionals.


Dear Good Doctor English,

What part of speech is the word not? Thanks.

Gary
Houston, Texas


Dear Gary,

A simple glance at a dictionary will tell you that not is an adverb that expresses the negative, so the good doctor suspects that you require a more personal, perhaps metaphysical, answer. Well, with regards to the doctor's personal life it is the part of speech he assiduously avoids. For he is a follower of the great Romantic metaphysician William Blake, whose most famous dictum "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom," underscores the British poet's unbridled favoritism of the word yes. Many an evening, especially during his graduate school days, did the good doctor hear the insidious not (usually employed in its contracted form) bandied about by those within earshot of the convivial table he shared with his friend and colleague Wino Bob, otherwise known as Good Doctor History. Irksome remarks such as: "Those guys aren't really teachers, are they?" or "Don't those two know when they've had enough?" or "I couldn't do that and still wake up in the morning!" Comments that were inevitably answered by the good doctors with a smile and nod to our dutiful waitress, "Yes, sweetheart. Another round for our table, please."


Dear Good Doctor English,

The Zen approach to teaching grammar mentioned in your last column sounds very interesting. Could you expand on the idea at all and offer any practical exercises you use in employing this method? Much obliged.

Samantha
Los Angeles, CA


Dear Samantha,

Since you put that smiley face at the end of your query, how can I refuse? Here's what you can do. Take a fairy-tale such as Cinderella or Jack and the Beanstalk and then screw with the grammar. Because the good doctor has been a professional screw-up for many years, his expertise is firmly rooted in the creation of targeted and extremely damaging mistakes. But, as a beginner, you'll just have to screw things up royally: change and rearrange prepositions, add and delete punctuation, switch verb tenses, have fun with gerunds; you get the drift. Then give the fairy-tale to your students as though it were a perfectly fine piece of writing. Play dumb. Have them read it out loud. Some will think you've gone insane, others may call you a nitwit, a few might understand what you're going after. Then tell them to go ahead and correct it, if they think they're so smart. Do it word by word, sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph. Have them consider the teleological ramifications of every proposed change. And before you know it, Samantha, the lotus flower of English grammar will begin magically to bloom.


Dear Good Doctor English,

I've been having a debate with my father about the meaning of the "X" in the Christmas abbreviation X-mas. I say that long ago Christians who were being prosecuted for their beliefs employed it as subterfuge. My father says that atheists who want to take the Christ out of Christmas did it. We've got five quid running on this. Who's right?

John
Edinburgh, Scotland


Dear John,

You and Pop should take the dosh you've wagered and treat the punters at your local for a pint of real, because you both are woefully mistaken.

There's no conspiracy or dramatic elements involved in the meaning of this abbreviation. The correct answer, like most correct answers, is much more mundane. The letter X represents the Greek letter "chi," which is the first letter in the Greek spelling of Christ. And let us remember that Greek is the swarthy language in which the New Testament was written. Educated readers are probably now crying out, "C'mon Doctor English, everyone knows that the gospels were written in Greek. What do you think we are, morons?!" Of course not. But the good doctor does remember, not so long, a congressman from a southern state who expressed his frustration with the rise of Spanish in his community by proclaiming, "If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for me!" Go figure.

Mail your questions and problems to the good doctor at: gooddoctorenglish@hotmail.com

Good Doctor English is a faculty member of Rajabhat Institute Rajanagarindra in Thailand and a former creative writing teacher at the University of West Bohemia in the Czech Republic. He is the author of two books of poetry and has been a contributor to several international publications.

Send your questions to: gooddoctorenglish@hotmail.com