Editor's Tribute

Tabloid World - Reprint circa 1998

Then Tom hit on touting the fact that folks where he lived read the National Enquirer religiously and had an entirely different perspective on life in these United States. He immediately hit stride. So much so that Salon's darlings, the WELL, gave him a Web Satire award for his fourth column for us.

That was many years ago. When I heard he was leaving The World's Magazine, I was disappointed but not surprised. You can tell by the rate of submission, if you're a good editor, when a writer needs to move on. Tom had been grinding out his "dish" columns for over seven years. That's a long haul. I noticed his silence lately but I didn't prod.

Herewith, a column from 1998 that I still laugh about.

Fare Thee Well, Tom. I'll miss you. -- ROD AMIS

Tabloid World

by Thomas Hart

G21 Staff Writer

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When we are not talking about space alien abduction, kids born with the tail of a pig, or amazing rescues from pit bull attacks, we get a hearty heaping [helping] of what "real life" is like. We got couples confronting each other over infidelity, threatening to "kick (folks) to the curb" over their mode of employment or because of lack thereof, sisters who sleep with each others fiances, folks lying to their spouses about their real sexual preference, kids who accuse their parents of chld abuse, trailer trash who dress like whores and believe this shows they have "a high self-esteem." And the main element of all this trailer park buzz, Pardners? It is confrontation.

We all know the drill. "Robin is here today because she has something to say to her lover, Steve. I'll be quiet now, Robin, you go ahead and talk to Steve..."

In the Tabloid World, the only people who seem to have happy and well-adjusted relationships are televangelists (if you don't count Jimmy Swaggart and the Bakers), them politicians with deaf mute wives who are refugees from Stepford (we all know who they are,) and the folks in the Six Flags, Great America, and Mickey D's commercials.

Everybody else in America, the Tabloid World shows us, is a sick and twisted individual.

G21 TABLOID HART means to look at the anomalies in American culture, the strange and all-too-coincidental interstices of success and destruction. Be here every week as we answer the questions enquiring minds have to ask.

Is it any wonder we can't hold half our damned marriages together? Is it any big surprise that most of the folks we know come from dysfunctional backgrounds? I don't think so.

We have managed, in the Tabloid World, to raise the confessional to a high art that even Catholics have to wonder about. At least, before Pope John Paul, you only had to share your dirty laundry in a closed box with one other person who was behind a screen. Now, hell, folks are lined up around the block, calling 800 numbers to let the whole world know that they parade around the house in bikini briefs and black garter belts (the men) and they would steal their best friend's man at the drop of the hat (the women, and some of the men.)

Worse yet, the only folks I see out in the Tabloid World that is truly and deeply in love with their partners are the ones who saddled up with Losers and Deviants. They knew what they was getting right out of the box and were proud for the chance. They make the best Tabloid Television guests because they are ready to defend their freakazoids against the unbridled jeering of any studio audience crowd. These are the folks who pick fights with the people in the front row seats because "You don't know him/her! You can't judge our lives!"

Seeing that kind of loyalty and devotion can't help but put a lump in your damned throat. 'Does mine.

And ya' know something? There's a lesson to be drawn from all this. You got a choice of being one of two types of people:

• The Dull and Boring type of person who gets a good job, hangs with people they love, and needs to get their entertainment from movies, books, soap operas, and the like, or



• A person with a life so full of drama that it is a soap opera. A person who lives every minute with conflicts, thrills, intrigue, back-stabbing, fights, and the roll-of-the-dice.

CELEBRITY DISH OF THE WEEK

That's a sure sign of somebody wanting to take his Main Squeeze off the show room floor.

With any luck, it will only be a couple years before we can relish the satisfaction of hearing how these two screwed up each others lives, like we did with Bruce and Demi a few months back. Yum-yum!

Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.