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VA LOAN INFORMATION and VETERANS' MORTGAGES  KATRINA & THE LOST CITY OF NEW ORLEANS by Rod Amis
New Orleans is the Lost City of America.A portion of the proceeds of this book will go to the New Orleans Hospitality Workers Fund. The cooks, servers and restaurant workers of New Orleans have provided fabulous times and memories for millions. Now we must remember them in their time of need.
Buy the book or get a downloadable PDF Copy now!
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HERE ARE A FEW JOKES YOU'VE SENT US over the past few months to lighten up our lives. Much appreciated!
THE POLL QUESTION: What are you doing right now to make the world a better place for others?
DEADLINE: 15 November, 2005. The responses and results will appear in NOVEMBER. Thanks in advance!
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old jerk," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in July."
Subject: Best "Out of office" Auto replies
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless ?emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. ?(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic alcoholic walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a ?field.?? Daisy says to Dolly,? "I was
artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
15. And finally, there was the person who sent fifteen different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
WHY should you advertise here? We'll tell you.
Q: What is Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?
A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: (supposedly!)
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on
sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
Don't Take Yourself So Seriously
Laughter is the best medicine.
How many times have we heard that line and smiled to ourselves?
Sure, we all feel better when we have come out of a movie that has had us giggling all the way though, or chuckled to ourselves all day when we have heard a good joke in the morning, but is there any real truth in the phrase that laughter is the best medicine?
Well, according to scientists and researchers, there is.
We know that the ability to laugh is helpful when coping with major illnesses and the stress of life's problems. But researchers are now saying laughter can bring balance to all the components of the immune system, which helps us fight off diseases.
Laughter provides a safety valve that shuts off the flow of stress hormones rising in our bodies when we experience stress, anger or hostility.
Stress hormones suppress the immune system and raise blood pressure.
Laughing can also be a total body workout.
Laughing involves a great deal of physical exercise and utilizes several muscle groups, such as 15 facial muscles plus dozens of others all over your body that flex and relax, including abdominal muscles.
Your pulse and respiration increase, oxygenating the blood.
Sometimes you can feel shattered after a rip-roaring giggle fest because you've basically had an aerobic workout.
Although we don't know exactly how many calories a hearty laugh consumes, it is estimated that 100 good laughs equals 10 minutes on a rowing machine.
Laughing till your sides hurt is an experience many of us have had, and hopefully more than once.
I can remember making the mistake of watching a Black Adder [comedy show] rerun on TV two days after major abdominal surgery -- great for the psyche, but not good for the stitches.
In our daily lives, we encounter many stressful situations that we often don't deal with very well.
It is easy to store up negative emotions, such as anger, sadness and fear, rather than expressing them.
Laughter provides a way for these emotions to be harmlessly released in a safe environment.
Why do you think it's often called comic relief?
Sometimes, when things are really stressful, something really silly will have us doubled over in hysterical laughter.
It's sort of the body's way of providing an outlet to bring down the stress levels that are being experienced.
Different things make different people laugh.
Often it can be a cultural thing, and sometimes it's just a case of different strokes for different folks.
Some people love slapstick humor. Seeing someone slipping over and falling down a manhole will have them in stitches, while the person next to them has a face like a poker in the rain.
However, that person will fall about when a sarcastic wisecrack is made that makes the first person say, "I don't get it".
People draw other people to them with similar senses of humor.
After all, it's pretty hard to maintain a relationship with someone who you can't laugh with.
It's also good to be able to laugh at yourself.
It shows a strong
sense of self-esteem and self-acceptance. It demonstrates openness to the fact that you are not perfect and realize it, that you can accept your frailties and share the joke with friends and family.
Taking life seriously is a recipe for stress. Taking yourself too seriously is a recipe for illness.
Laughter can often happen at the most inopportune moments as the body's way of handling stressful situations.
Many people, for example, find themselves wanting to laugh at funerals, during interviews, during arguments or when bad news is received.
It's a reaction to rising stress hormones in the body and a simple and effective way of bringing those damaging substances down, however inappropriate it may be at the time.
So when life is getting a bit tough or you can't get to the gym, crack a joke, crack a smile -- but whatever you do, don't crack a rib.
These aren't just rumors.
The Mayor of New Orleans has denied rumors that Mardi Gras is cancelled. He says he's expecting a record number of floats this year on Main Street.
~~~~~
Five black men in purple dinner jackets and bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New Orleans. DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters. Rumor has it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
~~~~~
Eric Burden and the Animals are re-releasing their earlier hit, it begins "There was a house in New Orleans..."
~~~~~
Hurricane Katrina - typical woman! When she came, she was warm, wild and wet. When she left, she took the house and all its contents with her.
~~~~~
Two plane loads of volunteers left Detroit Michigan today bound for New Orleans to assist with the looting.
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life: You can stay? single and be miserable or get married and wish you were dead.
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong? man."
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Then he? is finished.
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still? paying."
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
With a wife, it's pay-as-you-go.
Second guy remarks,? "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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From Gaynor P., Johannesburg, SOUTH AFRICA:
From DC S., Largo, FL, USA:
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From Ric W., Austin, TX, USA:
From Gaynor P., Johannesburg, SOUTH AFRICA:
From Ric W., Austin, TX, USA:
AND from the same source, these:
From DC S., Largo, FL, USA:
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't? you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband? Wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters.
When a woman steals your husband, there is? no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad,? that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he? marries her?"
Then there was a woman? who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,?
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your? sleep.
The difference between a wife and a prostitute?
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
"A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to? understand a man , to love and to forgive him , and for patience for his? moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll just beat him to death ... "
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