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We LOVE to hear from you! Glad you're taking the time to be part of the commentary of The World's Magazine.
HERE ARE A FEW JOKES YOU'VE SENT US over the past few months to lighten up our lives. Much appreciated!
"Hey Crackhead!!"
Yes, you. You sick fucker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of
bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge
douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.
Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.
Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of
spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.
But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you. Crackhead? You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.
This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once
again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from
SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4"
and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."
OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I
don't understand is,
YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?
I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?
Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.
I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.
Here are my options as I see them:
1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at
night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.
2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment
that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is
going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.
3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand
1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well
balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.
In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will
both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.
Sincerely,
*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***
Subject: Chuck Norris one-liners
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Chuck Norris. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Chuck Norris was God.
Chuck Norris rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
When Chuck Norris was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "LESS THAN chuck norris".
if you wake up in the morning, it's because chuck norris spared your life.
chuck norris won the tour de france on a unicycle to prove to lance armstrong it wasn't a big deal. he thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
every day is the longest day of chuck norris's life. for terrorists, the shortest.
what color is chuck norris's blood? trick question. chuck norris does not bleed.
chuck norris once forgot where he put his keys. he then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
when chuck stares into the sun, the sun flintches.
if it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but chuck norris says its beef, then it's beef.
let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because chuck norris does not feel like carrying you.
WHY should you advertise here? We'll tell you.
chuck norris' calender goes straight from march 31st to april 2nd, no one fools chuck norris.
chuck norris once double teamed a girl ... by himself.
1.6 billion chinese are angry with chuck norris. sounds like a fair fight.
chuck norris was never addicted to heroin. heroin was addicted to chuck norris.
when the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not have heroes, but rather chuck norris. chuck norris is the only hero.
chuck norris played russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
when life gave chuck norris lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. chuck norris hates lemonade.
chuck norris doesn't miss. if he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
chuck norris once won a game of connect 4 in 3 moves.
you can lead a horse to water. chuck norris can make him drink.
chuck norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. they made him blink.
chuck norris once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 cia most wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in malaysia who downloaded the movie dodgeball.
when chuck norris masturbates, all women within 3 miles have orgasms.
when you open a can of whoop-ass, chuck norris jumps out.
simon says should be renamed to chuck norris says because if chuck norris says something then you better do it.
killing chuck norris doesn't make him dead. it just makes him angry.
chuck norris would vote for hillary clinton to be president just so he could assassinate her.
chuck norris does the sunday new york times crossword puzzle in ink.
when google can't find something, it asks chuck norris for help.
in 96 hour
s, chuck norris has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. what have you done with your life?
there is the right way, the wrong way, and the chuck norris way. it's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
why did the terorrist cross the street? to get hit by a car before chuck norris could get him.
when chuck norris watches a pot, it boils immediately.
chuck norris once killed a group of samurai warriors with only a ball point pen. this lead to the phrase "the pen is mightier than the sword."
jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. it took chuck norris less than an hour. and he's done it twice.
in kindergarten, chuck norris killed a terrorist for show and tell.
it would only take 1 bullet for chuck norris to kill 50 cent.
chuck norris has been to mars. thats why theres no life on mars.
when the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for chuck norris.
chuck norris can assemble the entire contents of an ikea store without instructions or an alan key.
scissors are scared to run with chuck norris.
chuck norris got hellen keller to talk.
people with amnesia still remember chuck norris.
chuck norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
chuck norris believes what goes around comes a roundhouse kick to the face.
chuck norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in china.
you can't squeeze blood from a stone ... but chuck norris can.
chuck norris doesn't give christmas presents. if you live to see christmas, that is your christmas present from chuck.
inspired by the movie alien vs. predator, chuck norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "alien, predator, frankenstein,wolfman, the mummy and a whole s*itload of vampires vs. chuck norris."
chuck norris is the reason the participants of the special olympics are special.
the reason there has been so many different batman's is because chuck norris kept killing them off.
when chuck norris is smiling, he just killed your dad.
the helicopter was invented after chuck norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
chuck norris sank the titanic with a slow-motion roundhouse kick because chuck norris can't stand that celine dion song.
cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from chuck norris. not to be outdone, chuck norris invented the car accident.
much like the sun, chuck norris will cause blindness if looked at for prolonged periods of time.
chuck norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
the only reason the american military forces are still needed in iraq is because chuck norris is not in the american military forces.
chuck norris can take a dump while standing.
the world population divides into two groups, those who fear chuck norris and chuck norris.
chuck norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
chuck norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. chuck norris goes killing.
chuck norris counted to infinity - twice.
a blind man once stepped on chuck norris' shoe. chuck replied, "don't you know who i am? i'm chuck norris!" the mere mention of his name cured this man's blindness. sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by chuck norris.
chuck norris ordered a big mac at burger king, and got one.
when chuck norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. chuck norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
chuck norris is not hung like a horse ... horses are hung like chuck norris.
chuck norris sleeps with a night light. not because chuck norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of chuck norris.
as a teen chuck norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of tuscany. nine months later the nuns gave birth to the1972 miami dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
a handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. it is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to chuck norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
someone once tried to tell chuck norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. this has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
if chuck norris is late, time better slow down.
at birth, chuck norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. nobody delivers chuck norris but chuck norris.
Remember the book -"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" Well, here is a true life example from the University of Phoenix. An English Professor assigned his students to a joint writing exercise that quickly degraded - check it out ...
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.? As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back and forth.
Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).
----------------------------------------------------------------
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Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago." A.S. Harris to Geo station 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he? felt his regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4."Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, b
ut she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks that pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty theAnu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of? the sky!"
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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? ?Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steelenovels."
----------------------------------------------------------
A**hole.
----------------------------------------------------------
B****.
--------------------------------------------------------
Get screwed.
----------------- -----------------------------------------
Eat sh**.
---------------------------------------------------------
SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
GO DRINK SOME TEA - *****.
***************************************************************
A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.
HOUSE OF CARDS - FORWARDED FUN! Matt S. shares the Craig's List posting "Hey Crackhead!" A.J. tells us everything we wanted to know about Chuck Norris, the latest Internet icon, and DC tells us abut the Serial Story.
THE WORLD -
From Matt S., New Orleans, LA, USA:
(Body: taken from craigslist San Francisco ... brought forth by crystal-thanks!)
Matt
From A.J., Nairobi, KENYA:
james bond has a license to kill. chuck norris don't need any licenses.
ELIXIR
Ten Years of Continuous Truth-Seeking
1996-2006
G21 AFRICA
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From DC S., Largo, FL, USA:
THE STORY: (First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
(Rebecca)
(Gary)
(Rebecca)
(Gary)
(Rebecca)
(Gary)
(Rebecca)
(Gary)
(Rebecca)
(Gary)
(TEACHER)
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