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Event #147: Big Attitude 
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First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, "Golf course or Intercourse?" And she says, "Wear your sweater."
Subject: Computer technology...
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off,
your tennis elbow will never get better.
If women ruled the world
=========================
* Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
* PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
* Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
* Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
* A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
* Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
* Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
* "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
* Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
* Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
* Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
* Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
* Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
* Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
* Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
* Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
* Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
* Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
* All toilet seats would be nailed down.
* Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
* TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
* All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
* During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
* Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
* After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
* For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds
for six weeks.
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