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Robert Purvis
Westminster, MD, USA
"SHAG THE DOG" SUSPICIONS AROUSED
(Dissociated Press) In the wake of yesterday's U.S. bombing of targets linked to Osama bin Laden's terrorist network in Sudan and Afganistan, pundits and officials in the U.S. are voicing suspicions about the timing of the strike. Steven Shrill, publisher of "Shrill's Content," a media criticism magazine, noted that numerous major media outlets have become dependent upon the increased revenues they have derived from coverage of the Clinton sex scandal.
"With the President's acknowledgement of the affair with Monica Lewinsky last Monday," said Shrill, "many of these media outlets -- especially the 24 hour cable news channels -- were facing a potential crisis: how to fill all that air time previously devoted to salacious rumor and idle speculation." He continued, "From their point of view, the worst thing that could happen was for the whole thing to be reduced to a mundane investigation into nonsexual matters relating to the President's conduct."
According to Shrill's theory, which he dubbed "Shag the Dog", the media staged all of the "terrorist" movements which induced the American strike, thereby providing the media with a serious, front-page story which they could then, in turn, link to the Lewinsky scandal by raising questions about the President's motives. "It sounds like a back-door approach," said Shrill, "but that's what shagging the dog is all about." Shrill speculates that Microsoft provided the technology for fooling U.S. spy satellites and other monitoring devices. "The government uses a lot of Windows NT machines in their operations, which are notoriously easy to break into," said Shrill. Also, said Shrill, "MSNBC has the most to lose if the conversation strays from blow jobs and stained dresses."
Shrill's statement was met with immediate denunciation from Republican Congressman Dan Burton. Burton said, "This Ben Laden is for real, we know this from our intelligence. This is no 'Shaggy Dog' Disney movie. This president is a liar and a cheat, he admits it himself." Burton called upon Attorney General Janet Reno to expand Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's mandate to "include this obviously related scandal." Said Burton, "Look. These Arabs wear dresses. We know this from what we see on TV. I'm calling on Ken Starr to subpoena Mr. Laden's dress, or robe or whatever, and have it tested for DNA."
Mr. Burton said he performed an experiment in his back yard, which he claims "supports the theory that this is just more of the same sordid behavior we've sadly come to expect from our President, and DNA testing can prove it." The experiment, said Burton, "involved a cruise missle and one of my wife's dresses, but I can't say any more about it at this time."
Reached at his buffalo ranch in Montana, Time/Warner spokesman Ted Turner dismissed Congressman Burton's allegations as "loony." Said Turner, "Look, this guy Luden or whatever has a network, we have a network. I can't get into details yet, but I will confirm that we've been looking at the potential synergies between CNN and Luden's network. The world is becoming more global all the time, and we have to deal with that. Mergers are the only way to compete."
The White House could not find a spokesman to comment.
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