JOKE OF THE DAY

Today's Laughs Provided by:

Nilda DoVale

Bandon, OR, USA

Event #135: "Broken Spirit..." or Impeachment Now? PREMIERE! The Pick of the Litter: Vote for the G21 feature you'd like to see get a Special Edition in October. DAY ONE: TODAY: ROD AMIS looks back 25 Years contemplating The Road Home. LONDON CALLING!: FLISS USSHER wonders about the United Kingdom's new "Doe-eyed Boys." You should, too. G21 ASIA: Continuing coverage of the post-election crisis in Cambodia. FAX NIKITA: The latest of YOUR SUBMISSIONS of Strange but True facts. YOUR HOUSE OF CARDS features a new Joke of the Day! PLANETARY MADNESS: JENNIFER BLUE has your weekly horoscope on deck. DON'T READ ME FIRST! Our Publisher talks candidly about the end of our moratorium on the White House scandal, and his own feelings about some of the issues involved. PLUS: A midweek update! BARE KNUCKLES: JEFF WINBUSH takes the gloves off about the Office of the Independent Counsel in "Sex as A Weapon." POWERSBOOKS: BOB POWERS gives preliminary kudos to WALLY LAMB's "I know This Much Is True" and waxes rhapsodic about "Mountain People in a Flatland" by CARL E. FEATHER. ON DRUGS: ADAM SMITH believes the state of education today is sending young people "From Ignorance to Tyranny." CultureCast: JENNIFER BLUE continues her project of cultural deconstruction in "Passages." LAST WEEK's EDITION For rapid response, use The Message Board The Main Event HOME

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible __ Other (specify): _____________
__ Torah

2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jehova __ Jesus
__ Alah __ Satan
__ God __ G-d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here: __________________________________________

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? __ Yes __ No

If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin __ Cthulhu
__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
__ Appolo __ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
__ The Moon __ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb __ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves __ ESP
__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: _______________
__ Barney Fife __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5 than the Hudson)
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own 1 2 3 4 5 clocks
Sadam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

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