by Gaynor Paynter

G21 Africa Columnist

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Gaynor Paynter & her sons

JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA - Hello all you G21 readers - herewith, warm greetings from South Africa are sent your way! I hope and trust that this letter finds you all in good health as well as good spirit, and if you are feeling down, allow me to impart an idea which I am trying to absorb in my own head - that you are responsible for the creation of your own happiness, you instil it in yourself.

Someone planted the seed of an idea in my head the other day: Repeat the following thoughts to yourself aloud each morning a certain number of times (let's say, five times): I am a happy person. I am a happy person. I can create my own happiness. In fact, I issue you a challenge - say that to yourselves five times each morning for the next week, and email me at gpaynter@telkomsa.net to let me know what transpired, and how your outlook on life and was enhanced or changed. I hereby commit to do the same, and the outcome of this experiment (your experiences and mine) can be the subject of a future letter from South Africa.

Having just stated that you create your own happiness, that is not to say that all other influences on a person's general attitude can be excluded -- for, of course, this is not the case. Take, for example, the following: I live in South Africa. I do -- we all know that. But my South Africa is not the same as my neighbours' South Africa. My South Africa is made up of many factors, including the weather, the place I work, the city I live in, my family environment, the radio station and music I choose to listen to, the way I choose to interpret words spoken to me, etc. -- all factors which will be entirely different for other South Africans.

It is these factors that give me my overall perception of my country which as I hope I have portrayed to you) is, on the whole, a positive one. These factors affect my outlook on life itself. What has to be taken into consideration is the way in which our outlook on life and the actions that we carry out affect people in our surroundings.

Did you know that, before the age of seven, a child's conscious mind and subconscious mind are the same thing and that whatever is said to the child is absorbed directly into the subconscious and believed by the child. In other words, tell the child that he is naughty and he will be, because that is what he believes about himself. Tell the child that he is good and he will be because he believes it.

I am going to draw directly on an example from my own life, an incident which is in fact still raw in my being and which has caused me dramatic hurt. I am still struggling with it on a daily basis. It illustrates the point that whatever you say or do has a direct impact on the person you are saying or doing it to.

My sons both suffer from a condition known as benign hypotonia. Brandon (who is the little one in the picture) has it the worst. At the age of nearly two, he is still not walking, although we expect him to do this any day now. Benign hypotonia in layman's terms is low muscle tone, which causes severe delayed milestones. It is a relatively new diagnosis -- in the past, babies with this condition were labelled "lazy", or "late starters".

Last year, around October, we were going through the entire rigmarole of running tests to check whether or not there was something seriously the matter or whether physiotherapy alone would be sufficient to help my son. We went through quite a traumatic time -- on several occasions the laboratory lost blood and urine samples taken from Brandon and we also had to wait a seemingly endless amount of time for some cells to be "grown" in order for an accurate diagnosis to be made.

I was a very vulnerable person at the time -- a mother who worked full-time whilst unsure whether my son was going to be proclaimed a sufferer of some awful condition, what treatment lay in store for him, and what kind of life lay ahead for him. The result was that I could not concentrate on my work (to my boss' eternal credit, she stood by me in this difficult time.) I was looking for a close friend away from the family upon whom I could lean for support. (I have since learnt that a person's best support system is the person himself.)

It was at around this time that a colleague at work approached me with some emotional problems of her own, which I endeavoured to the best of my abilities to help her with. I also desperately grabbed the opportunity to start a friendship. My "friend" and I had some fantastic times. My husband and children accepted her into our lives and I was able to put worrying about my son to the back of my mind until I got the good news I had waited for so long for from the doctor.

Brandon was, in fact, only suffering from benign hypotonia and regular visits to the physiotherapist would sort him out. He could live the normal life that all parents want their children to have, go to a normal school and hold down a normal job.

Then things with my "friend" came to a grinding halt -- after I had given my support in her time of emotional crisis, given friendship, gone out of my way to invite her out to places, etc. etc. You get the picture.

She basically took advantage of my willingness to help, used me as an emotional stepping stone whilst she needed me, befriended another friend of mine (a man, for whose mental health I now fear), rejected the advances of a third friend, and dumped me when she was over her emotional problems.

This -- the rejection - is the issue I am still struggling so hard to deal with, almost a year later. Her rejection told me that I am a person who should be rejected and that is what I deserve. I have allowed this woman to greatly affect my attitude and my outlook on life -- to the detriment of my enjoyment of life.

This is my life, my story, my South Africa. The one I am living in and on a daily basis. And only I have the power to change it so that it is the way I want it to be. I want my life to be a great story.

In summary, it is of utmost importance that all of us no matter what country we live in (for, after all, we are all skin, bone and blood) look primarily after our own spiritual wellbeing and happiness by feeding happy, positive thoughts into our sub-conscious (and "bouncing" negative influences sent by others who probably have a very low self image of themselves.) We live these thoughts, our very beings portray what we believe, and this has a direct influence on the way we treat others.

Tell yourself, and others that we live in a terrible, crime ridden, hopeless country, and that is what will be believed. Tell yourself and others that South Africa is great and THAT is what will be believed. We have an initiative in this country -- "Proudly South African" -- which labels all South African products such as publications, CDs, etc. and broadcasts promotional material. It tells us to be Proudly South African -- and is changing the overall negative outlook.

To finnish: Tell yourself on a daily basis that you are fantastic -- because you are.