COVER -> MY GLASS HOUSE
Baltimore - 11 JUNE, 2000 - People who know me and my "fans" can now be divided into two classes.
The first group glibly considers me a professional whiner and believe I just need to the "snap out of it." They fit the typical American mode of denial which I have castigated before: the people who believe "everything will turn out for the best," "all things happen for good reasons," and other such homilies easily tossed to the suffering so that one does not have to admit that there IS tragedy in life. Many of the people in this first group, had they lived in the Germany of the second quarter of the last century, would be among those saying, "But I didn't know!"
The second group, many of whom include people who have actually bothered to see or speak to me lately, have --- on the other hand --- accepted my own assessment that this time there is something seriously wrong. They have stepped up to plate in ways that I shall always be grateful for, from finding creative ways to send me "CARE" packages, like my friends in Berkeley Barb and Rich, to sending me the dietary supplement DHEA, like Ed in Michigan, to offering the use of a beach house to just "get away from your life," as the nurse Catherine Roberts in neighboring Delaware has done.
I have told you, during the last few weeks, how my sister-in-law, Rudell from Bermuda, and my good friend Larry in Manhattan, after seeing how this is progressing, have also begun to act.
The Real Problem is that I feel this course has become irreversible. I see myself slipping away daily.... I have these flashes of inspiration for things I know I shall probably never write. I can hear the clock ticking in the back of my head. And the mirror is now starting to say the same thing.
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In only six months they had deteriorated to the point of shame. Now I understood why only walking the two and half blocks to my local supermarket always seems such a chore. Me! Who used to known for walking miles as though it were nothing.
But this is also the me who suffered greatly in my first years in San Francisco. I called on all the reserves of my "incredible resiliency" during those years and now my body has decided the debts are due and payable.
As The Writer makes his last calls to me I rebuff him by saying that I no longer have the emotional or physical resources to do what he needs. I'm spent.
The most I can expect now is some few moments of laughter, pleasure. I mean to complete my cathedral of words here.
I've made the case before that the purpose of The World's Magazine was to provide me with something of a legacy. I have been consciously building a cathedral of words with the goal of presenting a history of the world as it happened. Not from the point of view of the great and powerful, or with the after-thought rationalizations of the victors, but rather from the real time experiences of people on the ground.
That considered, I think you'll understand why DOUG MC DANIEL is becoming one of my favorite writers. I encourage you to read his contribution to this week's MEMOIRS OF THE INFORMATION AGE. It's a marvelous read.
RENDT GORTER's newest letter from Chechnya is as poignant and informative as his previous installments and well worth your time.
The entire edition, I hope, will encourage you to tell your friends about this obscure little site and keep coming back.
THINGS THAT BOTHER ME THIS WEEK
1. The battle between trying to maintain an existential sense of time and a sense of urgency about every remaining hour.2. The Writer.
3. The pressure to complete outside obligations in a timely fashion while I can.
Thanks for coming back this week.
"Work like you don't need the money,
"Love like you've never been hurt,
"Dance like no one is watching..."
Rod
ROD AMIS has published this magazine since 1990. It first appeared as a hardcopy 'Zine. In March, 1996, he launched it here on the Web. Rod was a Contributing Editor at Suite101.com, where he wrote the " 'Net Publishing" feature. His work has been featured in the San Francisco Bay Guardian Online, NRV8, and at WebLab's Reality Check site. Rod was also a contributing writer on technology for Faulkner Information Services.
Rod was a columnist for the Andover News Network, where he wrote over two hundred articles on web design and development issues. He was also principal writer and Editor for IT Manager's Journal, where he reviewed technology issues weekly. His opinions on the Info Age began appearing on MethodFive's HYPER technology newsletter in March. 1999. He became the Managing Editor for Electronic Mail/Newsletter Publications at Andover.net at the end of February, 2000.
Our Editor does listen!