Nope.

Our esteemed military leaders have come up with a truly novel answer to their problem. They want to LOWER the standards of who can join the military. And they want to start by recruiting high school dropouts.

Now while I believe that the cerebrally challenged have as much right to die for their country as the next person; the thought of someone who probably can't find Moscow on a map having their finger poised on a button that could obliterate that city, just doesn't make me feel any safer at night. And where will the military turn next if they still need more recruits? The homeless? Prisoners? Actor's Equity?

The irony of the situation is that each year the military kick out literally thousands of good soldiers from their ranks...simply because they are gay or lesbian.

"But," you may be thinking to yourself, "I thought 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' protected gay people in the armed forces.

To put it bluntly, the policies of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" just "Don't Work." More gays and lesbians are being removed from the military now than at any other time in our history.

And just why can't our girls and boys in lavender continue to fight for their country? Because the head honchos in Washington are afraid that gay guys in the military may see the straight G.I. Joes' pee-pees.

Gay people don't get discharged from the military because they do a bad job (after all the government's studies have pointed out that we make exemplary soldiers). Gay soldiers get fired because the people they work with feel uncomfortable working next to a gay person (afraid, I guess, that we'll take a gander at their "gander").

So while the military is begging people who can barely read "See Dick run" to carry semi-automatic weapons, they are kicking out thousands of good soldiers because they may "see dick."

This is what I call the "Humping Dog Theory" of homosexuality. Some straight people think that because someone is gay or lesbian they must be sexually attracted to anyone of the same gender. Believers of this theory are afraid that if we are taking a shower, or sharing a foxhole, with someone who is straight, we won't be able to control ourselves. The poor breeder boy who is innocently soaping up will suddenly find us wrapped around his leg performing the pelvic pivot.

Therefore, the convoluted reasoning goes, you cannot allow straight and gay people to work in close proximity.

And the kick-in-the-butt about this unsound reasoning is that it is usually the least attractive bigots who believe it.

Think for a second of Senators Strom Thurmond, Jesse Helms and Sam Nunn. As the folks in Kentucky would point out, they all fell out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down! It is frightening to me that they think I might find one of them attractive just because I am gay.

I would rather recreate the brooch scene from "Oedipus Rex" rather than have to see one of them in a shower.

The "Humping Dog Theory" of homosexuality is not logical or rational. And it should be laughable. But it does, unfortunately, effect whether people who love their jobs (and perform them well) , can keep them. Maybe instead of looking for tenth grade dropouts who are needed to operate slurpee machines across the U.S., the military should try to keep the people who are good soldiers to begin with.