COLUMBUS, OHIO - Ah, summertime!
A time for languid afternoons laying in the shade, the sounds of kids playing in small inflatable pools, the smell of wieners being grilled (or was that President Clinton talking to Kenneth Starr?), and summer camp!
I have some fond memories of my summer camp experiences. After all, it was the place where I first saw naked men, had my first crush (on my cabin counselor), experienced my first "french" kiss (unfortunately, NOT with my cabin counselor) and learned the best dirty jokes. And it was all made available to me by the United Methodist church!
It was those fond recollections of church camp which me a sucker (literally and figuratively) for the brochure that arrived in my mail. It was a flyer advertising a new summer camp for "gay and lesbian adults" called Camp HOMO-NO-MO. The pamphlet described an array of outdoor activities, workshops, discussion groups, and art classes. All of the people pictured look happy, healthy, and tan.
"What a fabulous idea!" I thought to myself. And faster than you could say "I have no life", I had written my check, stitched my name into the back of all my Calvin's and purchased an industrial sized bottle of calamine lotion. All the while, visions of my former cabin counselor danced in my head. If only I had been thinking with my other head, I might have seen the trouble that was in store.
My first dose of reality came as I pulled into HOMO-NO-MO's parking lot. There, under the "Welcome Sodomites" banner was a smaller sign that said "Brought to you by Genesis Ministries".
Oh-oh.
Genesis? Wasn't that a group of radical conservatives who thought they could "change" gays and lesbians into heterosexuals? Weren't Genesis people always purporting that through the power of prayer God would "cure" homosexuals? And despite the fact that the group had no evidence, did not keep statistical records of their supposed "successes", and the American Psychiatric Association had basically called them "quacks", they still managed to prey (and pray) upon poor unsuspecting gay folk?
What could I do?
It was too late to leave since I had already been spotted and a large middle-aged woman with a clipboard was headed my way. The closer she got the more the hairs on the inside of my ears stood on end.
"Welcome to Camp HOMO-NO-MO!" she said while she handed me the camp itinerary. "My name is Diesel, I have a twin sister Liesel, and I used to be an abomination to God too, but thanks to the Genesis people I've changed."
"Change? I can barely change a tire, let alone my sexual orientation! I'm very happy being myself!" I sputtered.
" You better get moving if you want to make it to Chapel on time!" the oblivious Diesel chirped as she set off to greet other people arriving, itineraries in hand.
Part of me wanted to flee. But a larger part of me wanted to see what was happening here at Camp.
The itinerary listed the workshops that would be offered later in the day. They were divided by gender.
For my lesbian sisters HOMO-NO-MO offered "Bikini Wax 101: It's Not Just For Furniture Anymore," and "Flirting 201: How To Bat Your Eyes - Not Softballs."
Gay men were offered "Power Tools 105: Beyond Melon Ballers," and "Religion 301: How to Interpret the Bible so that Women Must Submit to Your Will."
Both genders were welcome to attend the evening vigil entitled "Bye-Bye Bi."
Camp HOMO-NO-MO did indeed offer a large array of outdoor events and sports. Unfortunately, the Activities Director turned out to be Reggie White, the football player/minister who had recently denounced gay people as being "unnatural" in several public venues.
Why is it that gay people are stereotyped as being "recruiters" when it is the people who don't like gay people that are so busy proselytizing? After all, its not we gay folk who have "missionaries" out trying to "convert" people!
Over at the Chapel the guest speaker was Senator James Inhofe who was busy comparing gays and lesbians with the Ku Klux Klan as he had done in the Senate chamber a few weeks previously.
"The KKK?" I thought to myself. "Is this guy nuts? KY maybe, but the KKK? Doesn't he know we wouldn't be caught dead wearing white before Memorial Day?"
I had had enough. It was time for me to exodus the Genesis experience.
As I headed back to my car I could still here the Chapel choir singing. They were actually very good. But then how could they not be? Aren't just about all of the church choir directors and organists gay?
The next day I planned on driving back to Camp HOMO-NO-MO and confronting the blatant lies that were being told. But a large asteroid and hurricane destroyed the camp later that same evening. Unfortunately, Pat Robertson wasn't present since he had not been scheduled to speak until the following week.
QUEER PLANET: PHIL MARTIN decides to visit summer camp and gets the surprise of a lifetime. "CAMP HOMO NO MO."
ON DRUGS: ADAM J. SMITH on kids in Florida who have a new game: "Drug Dealer." "The Pompano Beach Twelve."
POWERSBOOKS: BOB POWERS on the reissue of two titles by ALBERT SCHWEITZER, JOHN P. NEWPORT's tome on the New Age movement, and JOHN LOUGHERY on Gay History.
RADIO ACTIVE: RADIO RAHEEM says "WHERE ARE THE SISTAHS?"
G21 DAY ONE: TODAY: THOMAS HART explains this "Slow Week for Dish." [Excuses, excuses. --- Ed.]
K.O.'s CALLS: K.O. on the Mo Vaughn Saga.
POWERSSOUND: BOB POWERS "sings" the praises of Sonny Rollins' new CD "Global Warming; looks at the Arbor Records Sampler; GOSSIPS about:
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