It is not a religious issue for grandma. It is behavioral. In her mind, black people behave differently from white people. She thinks they are dirty, lazy, and cannot be trusted. Just last week she complained about the "smell" in the elevator after it had been used by a group of black people. And while she thinks that all people should be treated the same, and has lived in a racially mixed neighborhood for the past 25 years; she has never had a black person in her home or made friends with a member of another race.

My mother was born in 1932. She grew up in a small country town, graduated from high school in a class of 18, became a registered nurse, married a man who had been a patient, had one child, and moved to the Detroit area. She has attended church regularly, votes for both Democrats and Republicans, makes a mean jell-o salad, and loves to watch her soap operas.

She has had friends who are black with whom she worked. She has had them to her home and they are included on her annual Christmas Card list. She is a supporter of civil rights. And she never used the words her mother used to describe black people.

My mother also taught me not to date anyone outside of my race. "And blacks," she would point out, "teach their children the same thing." Interracial relationships "cause problems for the kids." She also worried that black people would move into our neighborhood and cause her property value to decrease.

My mother's beliefs are not based in religion or behavior. She always worries about what other people will think.

I was born in 1958. I was raised in the Detroit area, attended a high school with 2,000 students, worked at a Tank factory, stopped attending church in college, vote primarily for Democrats, collect British royalty commemoratives, and teach for a living.

For most of my life I have had friends who are of different races. When I bought my home, one of the things I liked about the neighborhood was that it was racailly mixed. I have sat on committees at the local Martin Luther King Art's complex and Urban League. And contrary to my mother's teachings, I have dated men who are black.

But when I am the only "white" person in a group, I am aware of it.

Sometimes it has even made me nervous. And if the driver who suddenly cuts me off in traffic happens to be black, I am amazed at the thoughts that spontaneously pop into my head.

I have a long way to go before I can say I have confronted all of my demons that surround the issue of race.

But what does all of this family history about race have to do with gay rights? A lot.

While the issues of "race" and "sexual orientation" are very different, how society treats people it doesn't like are often similar.

After all, it was once illegal for black people to get married. You could legally fire them from their jobs. They could be denied housing. Laws were passed specifically against them.

And people justified their dislike of black people by quoting the bible. Or talking about the perceived behavioral differences. Or they just went along with the crowd's perspective because they didn't want to be seen as too sympathetic.

Basically the same conditions and situations exist for those of us who are gay or lesbian today.

But four generations of my family is proof that society does change. Attitutdes change. Behaviors change. Maybe not as fast or as far as we would like.