Arizona: Here's hoping that Jake "The Snake" Plummer busts out his devastating finishing maneuver, the D.D.T., on the head of Michael Irvin. Oh, he's not the same Jake "the Snake" that toiled in the World Wrestling Federation for years? Anyway, if they can sign first-round pick Andre Wadsworth and get a contribution from him, the defense should be very good, and the running game can,t be worse with Adrian Murrell.

N.Y. Giants: Do you want to know the real reason the stock market took a nose dive the last couple of days? It's because Giants coach Jim Fassel let star corner Jason Sehorn return a kickoff in a preseason game against the Jets. Sehorn was injured on the play and lost for the season. If the Yankees are bounced out of the baseball playoffs, it will likely be Fassel's fault, too. O.K., so maybe Sehorn's injury isn't quite that far-reaching. But it's close. After a surprising 1997, the Giants take a step back this year.

Dallas: Other teams have inspiring mottoes like, "Just Win, Baby" and "Play like a Champion Today." The Cowboys have just changed theirs to "Keep Away from Sharp Objects." (You might be tempted to insert them in a teammate's jugular or use one to sexually assault a woman in your car.) But legal troubles are the least of this team's problems. Emmitt's not growing old gracefully, and the team hasn't had a viable No. 2 receiver to draw the double team away from Michael Irvin since Alvin Harper left.

Philadelphia: Ricky Watters must have taken good notes while viewing the movie, "Titanic." "Oh, so that's how you get off a sinking ship."

Unfortunately for him, Irving Fryar is still on board listening to the orchestra.

NFC CENTRAL

With Randy around to complement Cris Carter and Jake Reed, this team will score points aplenty. O.K., so the defense needs work, and the fact that an unwanted corner in New England (Jimmy Hitchcock) could step right in and start in Minnesota isn't exactly a great sign. But any unit led by John Randle can't be that bad.

Green Bay: Another team that benefited from a Draft Day slip in 1997 were the Packers. North Carolina;s Vonnie Holliday should help shore up a defensive line that was ravaged by Terrell Davis in the Super Bowl. Here's hoping that Reggie White just shuts up and rushes the passer this season, but that may be too much to ask for. After all, there are still a few groups left (Italians, orphans, firefighters) he hasn't offended yet.

Tampa Bay: For all those jumping on the Buccaneer bandwagon (the Dunge Heap?), I've got two words for you: Trent Dilfer. He just doesn't look like Super Bowl timber to me. (I know... You've got words for me like Doug Williams and Neil O'Donnell and other non-Hall of Famers who have gone to and/or won the Big Game.) The Bucs do keep trying to give Dilfer weapons to work with. They signed Bert Emanuel and continued their sound strategy of drafting the Florida collegian available by taking wideout Jaquez Green (following last year's pick of Warrick Dunn and Reidel Anthony). Despite the Dunn-Mike Alstott combo, the Bucs'll still have the fourth-best offense in the division, which adds up to a third-place finish in my book.

Detroit: As the fervor over Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire begins to die down, the nation's hunger to witness great individual achievement will turn to Barry Sanders and his attempt to bump Eric Dickerson for the single-season rushing record. Here's one vote that says Sanders, too, will be successful.

Perhaps that will take the sting out of having to fight and scratch to get into the playoffs. The Lions may very well be one of the top six teams in the conference. They'll just have a tough time proving it with a schedule that includes six games against the Packers, Vikings and Buccaneers.

Chicago: Let me get this straight. The Bears traded last year's first-round pick for a quarterback (Rick Mirer) whom they will now either cut or trade for a kicking tee. Meanwhile, this year's number-one pick may be: a) an out-of- shape holdout; b) a sexual predator; c) a religious zealot who damned friends and family to hell at his recent wedding reception; or d) all of the above. Whooo-hooo, I smell turnaround!

Take heart, Bears fans. At least Ditka's team is worse.

NFC WEST

Carolina: I heard someone on ESPN (Chris Mortensen, I think), mention Fred Lane and Terrell Davis in the same sentence early in the preseason and haven't been able to shake those thoughts since. Free agent signees Sean Gilbert and Doug Evans should have the Panther D back in the ferocious form it exhibited two years ago.

St. Louis: Have this gut feeling that this team could be a lot better than 7-9, with Orlando Pace opening holes for whomever the Rams decide will run the ball (Greg Hill, Jerald Moore or rookie Robert Holcombe) and quarterback Tony Banks connecting with Isaac Bruce on long bombs.

Then again, that gut feeling might just be the be the Chicken Burrito Supreme I just ate.

Atlanta: This is the hardest little blurb of all 30 teams in the NFL to write. The Falcons don't have any superstars, but there aren't many players you can bust on, either. Jamal Anderson, he's "pretty good". Tony Martin, he was a "nice" addition. Chris Chandler is an "adequate" signal caller when he's on the field. Morten Anderson is a darn accurate kicker. Ho-hum. 7-9. Let's move on.

New Orleans: Mike Ditka is a fraud.

He was lucky enough to have his coaching career collide with perhaps the greatest assemblage of defensive talent (not to mention defensive coaching) with the 1985 Bears. But he certainly didn't build those Bears, and he's destined to fail in his attempt to shape the Saints into a winner. (In fact, with the three-year extension he recently signed, he could potentially run the New Orleans franchise completely into the ground.)

Ditka's one great skill is as a motivator. I don't doubt the man could get me out of bed in the morning, and he did manage to coax a few more wins out of last year's Saints than I thought possible. But come on. Billy Joe Hobert throwing to Andre Hastings and Sean Dawkins? Lamar Smith? Maybe next year, Ditka will see fit to use a first round pick on a skill player, rather than another offensive lineman. Then again, maybe not.

THE PLAYOFFS

In the NFC Championship, the 49ers outlast the Vikings in a shoot-out at 3Com Park.