G21 SPORTS
CrunchTime
KO's CALLS
by Kris "KO" Olson
G21 Sports Writer
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"I've always said that unless Scottie comes back, Phil comes back and K.O. gets a column on G21, I will retire from the game of basketball. Now that the first order of business is taken care of, I can worry about Pip and the coach"- Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls
O.K., so maybe Michael didn't say that. But does it matter? Apparently
not, in my little corner of the world here in Boston.... In case the story hasn't gotten much play where you are, columnist Patricia Smith of the Boston Globe recently turned in her resignation when it was discovered that she fabricated at least four characters and attributed quotes to them in her column in the Globe's Metro section. Her explanation? "From time to time in my metro column, to create the desired impact or slam home a salient point, I attributed quotes to people who didn't exist."
Sounds good to me.
THE CHIDE OF THE YANKEES: As I mentioned earlier, I am from the Boston area. So of course, my first order of business will be to engage in a little New York Yankee bashing.
Seriously, though, how can anyone take any joy in rooting for a team like this?
This is what baseball has become: a game of Monopoly where the Yankees (and,
to be fair, a couple of other teams) start off with hotels on Park Place and
Boardwalk. A few teams (like my beloved Red Sox) can hang around for a while
with some luck. For example, having Bret Saberhagen's arm stay attached long
enough for him to compile eight wins is something akin to having someone roll boxcars after landing on Electric Company.
And for the have-nots like Montreal, Pittsburgh, Kansas City and Minnesota?
Well, let's just say there's no "Get out of Last Place free" Chance card. Pretty soon they'll be mortgaging their valuable properties over to the Yankees, too.
I know I'm in the minority, but when I see Hideki Irabu, I still remember the extortion that pried him away from the Padres. When I see Tino Martinez, I recall the swindle of sending over-hyped prospects Russ Davis (17 errors) and Sterling Hitchcock (5.07 career ERA entering the season) to the Mariners, and know in my gut that the Twins are in for the same from Eric Milton and the others involved in the Chuck Knoblauch debacle.
In other words, more power to Yankee fans if they can take unadulterated
pleasure in their team's success. Me, I'd feel a little bit dirty.
Bulls win. Yawn. Bulls win.: Hey NBA, you want to get this fan interested again? Entice Michael to come back, sans Pippen and Jackson. Put Pippen on the Suns with Jason Kidd, Antonio McDyess, et al. Then make Jackson the coach of another Western contender. (This space was hoping for a union between Jackson and head of Nike's Fun
Bunch, Gary Payton. But Seattle just hired Paul Westphal, so I guess the
Lakers'll have to do.)
Now I'm interested. But you know what? My money still might be on Michael and any four other life forms that take the court with him.
"Thank goodness for K.O. Now, at least I know that after I choke at the next Masters, I'll have the solace of going home, throwing a couple of shrimp on the barbie, opening up a can of Foster's, and reading K.O.'s latest column." - Golfer Greg Norman
MAYBE LATRELL CAN TEACH THEM A COUPLE OF HOLDS: Some of you may have heard that Dennis Rodman and Karl Malone will be involved in a World Championship Wrestling tag-team match. But you may not have known how to handicap it.
It's very simple. It'll be a lot like the NBA Finals. Rodman has the superior supporting cast in tag-team partner Hulk Hogan. Everyone knows the Hulkster. World Wrestling Federation Champion for years on end. Current WCW World Champion. Cross-over appeal on both the big screen(Rocky III, Mr. Nanny) and small (who could forget "Thunder in Paradise"?). In short, Hogan is the Michael Jordan of the wrestling world.
Malone, meanwhile, will team with a guy by the name of "Diamond" Dallas Page. He's pretty much the Jeff Hornacek of the wrestling world. He's won a
lesser belt (the U.S. Championship), an accomplishment not unlike Hornacek's
triumph in the NBA's three-point shootout.
And just like the Finals, after Hogan pins Page, Rodman will take a disproportionate amount of the credit.
DEAR WORLD, PLEASE GIVE UP: We appreciate your efforts, changing overtime from an insufferable full period to a sudden-death, first-goal-wins stanza. You even found a cool name for it: the "Golden Goal."
Still, most of America isn't going to allow soccer into our hearts. I'm more tolerant than most. But mentally, I'm pushing the "Fast Forward" button.
I'll push "Play" for the climax, hoping for another finish like the Brazil-Italy shoot-out.
Someone, however, may have stumbled upon a quick fix by starting a rumor
that the Iranians might do something wacky before, after or during the game.
That might get the Jerry Springer/When Animals Attack crowd to tune in.
"Why didn't you tell me K.O. was going to be writing a column on G21? I might have retired just to keep my Sunday's free. Then, I could have seen which was more entertaining -- the column, or watching Bubby Brister trying to defend our Super Bowl title." - Broncos QB (and Cartman's father?) John Elway
Well, that's about all that's ticking me off at the moment. See you again
next week.
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