STONEWALL VIEWS
I was lazily flipping through the current issue of TIME magazine when an article on page 67 (in the Science and Technology section) stopped me cold. There, under a photo of Dr. Ivanna Mann, was the headline "Gene Therapy Brings Relief to Suffering Heterosexuals". The article, in short, told of how a team of scientists at the Alfred Kinsey Hospital had been able to isolate the "heterosexual gene". Then, through a series of chemical manipulations, they had managed to concoct an elixir (in both "regular" and children's "cherry" flavors) that stopped people from being heterosexual. For all intent and purposes, the people who swallowed the excessively sweet syrup became gay. As Dr. Amann stated, "Sexually speaking, this spoon full of sugar will help the patients go down."
"Finally," I thought to myself as I closed the magazine, "people will be able to escape from the heterosexual lifestyle!"
 G21 SOUTH AMERICA THOMAS HARGROVE Testifies before U.S. House of Representatives - [For the non-frames version of Mr. Hargrove's testimony, click here.--- Ed.]A follow-up to our 3-Part Series on Narco-terrorism and Kidnapping!
 FLISS USSHER's G21 EUROPE column LONDON CALLING! returns to the UK this week to kick off our special All Fools Issue.
 STONEWALL VIEWS' PHIL MARTIN announces "CURE FOUND FOR HETEROSEXUALITY!"
 TRIO THOMAS HART returns to tell "WHY I'M SO IMPORTANT"
 POWERSBOOKS looks at a book which claims to prove Stephen Foster is the Father of Pop Music!
TRIO ROBIN MILLER makes the "CONFESSIONS OF A RESTAURANT BIGOT"
 CULTURE CAST provides the formulae for true "Happiness"..
More meta-criticism of pomo American life. ANOTHER Great Joke of the Day in THE HOUSE OF CARDS!  JENNIFER BLUE's PLANETARY MADNESS looks at YOUR influences!
VOX POPULI is updated, with your letters of the last week!  G21 ASIA new contributor RAOUL TESLA reports from Manila, Philippine Islands.
 BARE KNUCKLES: JEFF WINBUSH won't be seeing "Titanic." Read why here.
TRIO: San Francisco's RON MORGAN on "Kurt & Courtney."
POWERSBOOKS talks with "Notorious Victoria" author Mary Gabriel! Another G21 Exclusive Interview!
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For decades several of us in the gay community had sought to find out what caused heterosexuality. One popular theory was that heterosexuals were raised in dysfunctional homes. How else can you explain the fact that many heterosexual girls are raised in families with domineering fathers? In fact many of them admit to being a "daddy's" girl and wanting to marry someone just like their father. Clearly these heterosexual girls have never bonded with their mothers! They have never been able to develop a deep emotional tie to a member of the same gender.Others in the gay community will argue that heterosexuals choose their sexual orientation. Physiologically, they point out, it isn't "natural" for men and women to be together! Who knows how to better sexually please a woman than another woman? How is a man supposed to know how to please a woman? Men and women are physically so differently, some gays will argue, that there is no way that they could naturally know what to do with the other's body. Heterosexual people must, therefor, make a conscience decision to be heterosexual and spend a lot of time practicing with other deviants like themselves. Gays in this belief structure often contend that God made man and woman different for a reason: to keep us separated!
But the work by Dr. Mann and her colleagues seems to indicate that both of these theories were wrong. One thing that hasn't changed, however, is the desire for some heterosexuals to find a cure for their condition. Over the years a few brave heterosexuals have tried a variety of "treatments" in order to stop their abnormal urges. And while shock therapy, where patients were strapped to tables with rubber spoons in their mouths, didn't work, it did lead to the "big hair" look popular with many heterosexual women today. Both aversion therapy (with little electrodes attached to genitals) and celibacy (where it didn't matter if you had little electrodes on your genitals or not) also failed to stem the tide of desire in heterosexuals.
Eventually a lot of heterosexuals turned to organized religion for a cure. "I prayed and prayed for God to change me" said Butch, a heterosexual friend of mine. "My priest said that being heterosexual was an abomination. He pointed out that Christ never got married, that the only woman he ever related to was his mother, and that he lived and slept in the company of 12 other men. So I prayed with all my heart for this burden to be taken from me but I didn't change. I guess I just wasn't worthy of God's love." Fortunately, with this newly discovered cure for heterosexuality, my friend Butch will at last find peace.
There will, of course, be a few changes in society once everyone is gay. Early American furniture will be relegated to small rural museums, "Jell-O molds" will be two words that are no longer associated together, and Kathie Lee's next appearance will be in an unemployment line. People will also be able to use the word "straight" again! I don't know about you, but weren't you just a little offended that heterosexuals took a perfectly good word and gave it a dirty meaning? Thank goodness for the cure and the changes that are coming!