I Run Contra

by Thomas Hart

G21 Staff Writer

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AUSTIN, TEXAS - I have been making me a goodly wad of cash this here political season, Sanitation Engineers, 'cause of a new political game I created called "I Run Contra."

It's blood simple, ya'll. Whenever a pundit of the "Mouthpiece Media" (as our Esteemed Editor has dubbed them) makes a prediction, I just go the other way.

You see, what has happened is a total disconnect between the Mouthpiece folks in Washington, D.C. and New York City and the rest of the American people. And guess what? The American people is usually right.

G21 TABLOID HART means to look at the anomalies in American culture, the strange and all-too-coincidental interstices of success and destruction. Be here every week as we answer the questions enquiring minds have to ask.

So my game, "I Run Contra." goes like this:

I turn on the television set in my double-wide. I tune into ABC News' "This Week."

GEORGE WILL: "The crisis in the Clinton White House guarantees that the Republican Party will pick up 5-to-7 seats in the midterm elections."

TABLOID HART: (On the phone to my Bookie) Yeah, that's it, Jim-Bob, I want $500 on the Democrats. You heard me right.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: "With this surprising win by the Democrats, impeachment is a dead issue."

TABLOID HART: "Oh-oh! Clinton's a goner!"

I think ya'll gets the idea. I ain't lost a dime since using this I Run Contra system. Fact is, I'm buying a lot more Christmas presents this season, thanks to Sam Donaldson, Cokie Roberts, George Stephanopoulous and the other talkin' heads of the Mouthpiece Media. Thank you very much!

Celebrity Dish of The Week: Larry Flynt.

I repeat: Larry Mr.-Hustler-Magazine Flynt.

Nobody, but nobody, gets more props around this here Trailer Park than my man Larry.

Who else has had movie made about him --- starring Woody "Pothead" Harrelson and Ms. Courtney Love?

Who else could grab more headlines by offering $1 Million to find all the Republican smut and bring down the Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives-presumptive, "Long Bob" Livingston?

Larry. Only Larry.

Larry Flynt has raised himself to the status of Paragon of Trailer Trash virtues. He is bigger than THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER. Amen!

Now lookahere. Being Speaker of the House of Representative is supposed to be --- what? --- three steps from the Presidency of the United States. But who you know wants to be Speaker anymore?

My Texas homeboy, Jim Wright got drove out by Newt Gingrich. Tom Foley lasted for about a year before the Newtster took over. Newt quit and ran back to Georgia with his tail between his legs. Long Bob Livingston won it and ain't had the job for two weeks. Does that tell you something?

What we are watching is the politics of fratricide, pardners. 'Cause there ain't a politician on the guldern planet that is clean, and not a man ever been born who don't have "lust in his heart," if not having acted on it. End of story.

I, like my Esteemed Publisher, have never liked Dollar Bill Clinton. But my distaste for the man is for very serious political reasons.

Bill Clinton sold us out on the issue of welfare "deform" and impoverished thousands of women and children. He sold us a bill of goods on NAFTA and GATT. He has always been the best case scenario for Wall Street. That makes him a Republican in my book.

I dislike like the man for his public life. Not because of his private life.

In other words, IF Bill Clinton had been a gen-u-wine Liberal Democrat I would go to the mat for him in a New York minute. I would man the barricades and defend his right to defend my rights. But that never was part of this equation.

He never inhaled; he never *actually* took part in a serious protest against the Vietnam war, he never even had legal sex (by his definition and Monica's testimony) with Monica. At every step of this man's life and his political career this man hesitated when A REAL MAN would know that it was time to commit.

He consistently asks that we trust and support him when he gives us neither his loyalty or support.

There was once a columnist here before me who asked the question: WHAT WOULD A MAN DO?

I ask that now in regards to Dollar Bill Clinton. I find him lacking. I cannot commit my loyalty to someone who doesn't understand what it means to commit.

On that note I must leave you to digest your Christmas dinner, Fellow Sanitation Engineers.

Put some spam on the griddle for Tabloid Hart.

And Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash.

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