You couldn't get any on the campaign trail because the press is on you like white on rice. Lord knows you ain't gonnah be gettin' any from Hillary since that Jennifer Flowers eruption the first time out. And still everybody is callin' you the world's biggest horn-dog.

But you ain't gettin' any.

You check-mated the Newster when he gambled on shuttin' down the government. The Contract on America is history because of your smooth moves. You just rolled back into the White House like a big dog --- and you can't get any.

I mean, it's not like you can check into a motel like any other Bubba. Ever' since that wanker from Colorado, Gary Hart, dared the damned press to catch him, it's been bad all over.

Hell, they got people who is so-called journalists who ain't much more than Dumpster Divers.

Them suckers even went through Henry Kissinger's garbage.

Only folks you can get into the White House without causing some kind of press scrutiny --- if you meant to get any --- is employees.

So there you are. You got needs and desires like any other red-blooded man on earth, but while everybody is assuming you are shagging more than James Bond, it has been over two years (and maybe more, by the Tabloid Hart calculation) since you got any.

You about are ready to bitch-slap Leno, Letterman, Conan O'Brien --- any damned comedian who talks about bimbos instead of cheese burgers.

Anybody noticed how good the economy is doin', Stupid?

Naw, they all focusing on *your* appetites.

Meanwhile, Hillary is off tryin' to be the next Eleanor Roosevelt.

And what happens?

I'm not sure where this bogus stuff started. Maybe it was that guy Frank Rich at the New York Times. All I know is that I'm seein' it ever'where these days. Newsweek's Jonathan Alter is the latest yo sign on to this mythology.

Like I'm allus tellin' my bookie, Jim-Bob, any money down contra the MM is good money. Those folks inside the Beltway and in New York City just ain't never gonnah get it.

This ain't got nothing at all to do with... Well, lookahere. Let's consider what an exclusive ABC News interview between Judge Kenneth Starr and the reknowned Barbara Walters might be like.

BABAWAWA: Take your time, Judge Starr. I can imagine how diwicult this must be for you, after all you have had to endure... Bweathe, bweathe... That's it. Do you feel bwetter now?

STARR: Thanks, Barbara. I needed that.

BABAWAWA: As I was saying, I know you have heard that this was a genewational stwuggle. Is that what it felt like for you?

STARR: (Choked up) That's rich. It was nothing like that for me. How old do people think I am? Do I look that old?

The truth is, the President and I could have been classmates, Barbara.

BABAWAWA: So what was it about for you? Pweacher's son wersis renegade?

STARR: Oh please! Barbara, I could tell you things about preachers' kids that would curl your hair. Things we wouldn't be able to broadcast here on national television.

If anything, Jennifer Flowers fit the profile of a preacher's daughter: Low self-esteem, concern for image, ready to "walk on the wild side," but not to pay the consequences.

None of that was what this was about.

BABAWAWA: Then, Judge Starr, what was this all about? What bwought about this ordeal which thweatened to tear apart the political fabwic of our country?

STARR: The historical record, Barbara. Someone had to be the man to bring down the Clintons. Bill and Hillary Clinton had tried to change the whole way our country operated. Both parties can't have Wall Street in their hip pockets. So I was made an offer I couldn't refuse.

BABAWAWA: Which was?

STARR: If I succeeded, the Supremes were mentioned.

BABAWAWA: You don't mean the singers.

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STARR: And there was the bounty.

BABAWAWA: "Bounty?" On the Cwintons, you mean? What are we talking here? Seven figures?

STARR: You're close.

BABAWAWA: Oh my Lword!

Here's the bottom line, Pardners, straight from the Trailer Park. Them folks back on the other side of the Mississippi plum hate having us Westerners runnnin' thangs. They was irate about Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton chaps their asses. Lord knows what they will say about George W.

So stay tuned.