You Doggin' Me?

And other Talk Around the Trailer Park

by Thomas Hart

G21 Staff Writer

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Version 4.0, Event #125 TABLOID HART: Texas badboy THOMAS HART is back to dish on KENNETH STARR, notorious nanny LOUISE WOODWARD, and PIT BULLS. [Not more dog letters in "Vox Populi!" -- Ed.] POWERSSOUND: BOB POWERS is on Cloud 9(or is that only Love Potion #9?) because ALANIS MORISETTE is back in the studio. In DON'T READ ME FIRST! ROD AMIS talks up this summer's movie fare(??) and takes a day off from the Internet to remember why he fell in love with San Francisco. (Hey, wait a minute? Isn't he leaving?) HIGHLIGHTS OF LAST WEEK'S EVENT G21 NEWS: Part 3 of 3: The Conclusion of our Editor & Publisher's overview of Web Design & Development '98. IRISH EYES: JOE O'NEILL on the debut of a new Song of Peace, for Ireland, at the Guinness Fleadh in San Jose, CA, on June 28, by Belfast men, Ciarán Mac Gowan, who comes from the Nationalist tradition, and Jim Crone from the Loyalist community. G21 NEWS: Part 2 of 3: ROD AMIS reports on a WebMaster who makes WEB PROFITS. POWERSBOOKS: BOB POWERS covers Misadventures in the (213), The Greatest Benfit to Mankind: A Medical History of Humanity, The Lynching of Cleo Wright, and Chicks on Film. Buy one or all of these titles with YOUR Special G21-BarnesandNoble.com discount on the POWERSBOOKS page! IRISH EYES: Guest contributor Dan VandeMortel, a member of the Morrison & Foerster LLP legal team for Kevin Artt, reports from Belfast, Northern Ireland. CRUNCHTIME: G21 SPORTS has WALLY WORTS back in the saddle on WORLD CUP FUTBOL. ON DRUGS: ADAM J. SMITH talks about the "The New L-Word" and how you should respond. BarnesandNoble SEARCH: Every writer here still reads offline. We support Barnes and Noble and hope you will, too. This is the place to find the best and brightest! For rapid response, use The Message Board HOME

The Office of the Independent Prosecutor, & Other Water Closets

Ol' Web("Sure I overbill my clients. Every lawyer in America does that!") Hubbell walked this week.

It seems a federal judge decided that Independent Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr was even more of a low-life than Webster Hubbell. Why? The old bait-and-switch, fellow Sanitation Engineers. Web, my on-going example of the high ethical standards of our attorneys here in the USA, replacing "Racehorse"("...How 'bout this one, Your Honor? My client's dog couldn't have brutally mauled this young feller, because my client DOESN'T HAVE A DOG.") Haynes, was promised immunity by Prosecutor Starr and his team if he would cooperate and give thorough-going testimony about his dealings with Bill and Hilary Clinton. Then, Prosecutor Starr locks Web up on evidence from his testimony.

This is the same Special Prosecutor Starr, of course, who only a few weeks ago admitted that it was him who leaked all those Monica Lewinsky stories to the press, "so that they could get the story right." And the same Special Prosecutor Starr whose team asked Sydney Blumenthal, in front of the federal grand jury, if the President thought oral sex was not sex.

Well, excuse me, Sanitation Engineers, but what the hell does that kind of question have to do with THE RULES OF EVIDENCE? Even if Blumenthal had answered "Yes," it would only be his opinion. It would only be another in a long line of sleazy, outhouse-type allegations to add to the long string that the Starr Chamberpot has thus far produced. Am I the only one who's seeing this stuff?

Meantime, in other(America could care less, but it's all-the-rage Inside the Beltway) gossip: Folks are now claiming that Hilary is gonnah leave Bill after his second term is over.

Does this make any sense to you? Look at this woman. She is no prize. She spent most of her durned life IN ARKANSAS, the as--- I mean, armpit --- of these United States. You see that grin? Straight out of the Ozarks, Sanitation Engineers. As far as Tabloid Hart is concerned, this whole co-President, "brilliant and ruthless" thing is just another part of the Republican party conspiracy to bring Dollar Bill down. If this yokel was so damned ruthless and smart, why would she have spent the last two decades being the most publicly dogged woman in the history of the planet?

Come on! Hilary Clinton's "Women Whose Man Dogged Them, In Every Hotel and Back Alley of This Country, Again and Again" stories could fill a full week's worth of episodes for Rickey Lake, and still have six days of material for Jerry Springer.

G21 TABLOID HART means to look at the anomalies in American culture, the strange and all-too-coincidental interstices of success and destruction. Be here every week as we answer the questions enquiring minds have to ask.

SPEAKING OF DOGS...

Every newspaper, magazine and local television news broadcast has done a story on those four-legged menaces to the continued existence of unscarred humans on this planet known as pit bulls except the G21. I don't get.

Well, wait a minute. Maybe I do. Ever since G21 Alumnus Ron Morgan did that Rotweiler piece, and got them nasty letters, our Editor's been gun-shy about any articles mentioning animals. I'm gonnah end that G21 moratorium in this article, too.

Other than those pit bull owner websites that put up deceptively innocent looking and adorable pictures of these savage monsters, we all know them for the 1,000-pounds-of-pressure-per-square-inch vice-grip jawed, instinctively bred to go for the jugular, killing machines that they really are. That pit bulls haven't been outlawed in more cities is a mystery to Tabloid Hart.

But if you read the National Enquirerevery week like Tabloid Hart does, or even just your hometown newspaper, you know that every week, somewhere in America, these brutal beasts team up to pull some unsuspecting person to the concrete, savagely tear at their cheeks, throat, arms, and torso, often causing a need for hospitalization and mutltiple stitches.

Many citizens are given Hero's awards for saving their neighbors from the onslaught of a pit bull attack. I think all of these dogs should be exterminated, Sanitation Engineers, and I bet you do, too.

If any of you have reports of pit bull atrocities committed in your area, upon any of your friends or love ones, feel free to send them in ATTENTION: TABLOID HART on our Message Board page.

KILLER NANNY UPDATE

Louise Woodward walked after firing her lawyer, who, arrested for drunken driving, babbled words to the affect, "I couldn't go on because I took this case thinking she was innocent, but now I know she's guilty."

The lawyer was discredited, of course, because she was a convicted DUI felon, a known drunk. But get this: She was gonnah be sober the next day. Why didn't anybody ask her, after she had gotten out of the tank and taken a shower, if she still thought Louise had offed little Matthew, ya'll? Enquiring minds want to know!

From what Tabloid Hart understands now, Louise and family are partying down in Marblehead, Massachusetts. But dark clouds are gathering. Louise may once again become the talk of the trailer park if she's remanded into custody and the charges are re-instated. We figure this story still has "legs."

Come back around next week, Sanitation Engineers, to see the latest dish. And remember, it's gonnah take more than a few tornadoes to get rid of the trailer trash.

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