-> COVER -> TABLOID HART
AUSTIN, TEXAS - Greetings, Sanitation Engineers. Guess what? George Dubya gave an "Education" speech this week. It said that most American kids can't read. Surprise! Tell me something, Governor Bush, have you also seen a supermarket scanner?
Tabloid Hart to Puffy: Put down them weapons, Fool! Start using the tool that any man with half a brain should be using with a hot Babe like Ms. Booty-Call! Otherwise, you'll see a lot of us stepping up to take your dang place!
LISTEN: I hear nuthin' but hoots, hollers and high-fives all over this here trailer park when ole Jennifer appeared on that stage! Puffy! Wake up and smell the latte!
Message to Rod: This here is the photo of Jennifer Lopez you shouldah used on the cover last week.
BACK TO ELECTION 2000: The thing that the Al ("I'm fired up, instead of firing up!") Gore had to say about George Dubya's speech was that he couldn't pull off his $5 Billion (USD) education investment while also having his $10 Trillion (USD) tax cut. And besides, claims Al, the proposal is a copycat of something Clinton-Gore put before Congress back in 1996 --- and got passed.
George Dubya is still on cruise control in this campaign. Heck, he's raised more money, thanks to his Texas fat-cat cronies raising at least $100,000 a piece, than any Presidential candidate in history. Think about it, ya'll: $74 Million, most of which he has spent already. And that means the fat-cats will be ponying up for more.
Can you say, BOUGHT AND PAID FOR? That's ole Dubya's mantra.
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A lot of his down here in Texas got used to calling this ole boy The Shrub. So I'm workin' real hard on gettin' used to this here Dubya thang. I kind of likes it, though. It's more defining of how miniscule this little smirking phony really is...
After sitting through that bull and doring education speech of the Dubya's, I couldn't he'p but ask myself, "Jesse, what happened?"
The danged dumbest thang I seen Jesse Ventura do this year was appear on at the rostrum with The Donald and endorse that egomaniacal clown! What was The Body thinking, ya'll?
If he had done the right thang and just showed up by his lonesome and bellowed: "I'm gonnah body-slam little George W. Bush!!! I'm gonnah beat Al Bore --- I mean, Gore --- like a drum!!! I'm gonnah be your next President, America! We are gonnah have a real person running this country for a change instead of another silver-foot-in-mouth phony!!!"
Hell! You would have heard dancing the streets in every city in this country and this here election would have been one load of fun.
But No-o-oh! Jesse started lookin' like every other "respectable," mealy-mouthed, money-grubbing, short-skirted, six-inch do-me pumps political whore in this country when he threw his arm around The Donald. For shame, for shame.
But there is still hope,ya'll. Now that old Jesse has taken a walk out of the Reform Party, one of two things can happen.
Let's all hope he goes for option one.
Meanwhile, what's this I hear about Walter Cronkite trying to convince TV stations to give free time to political candidates? Wally, get real. Had any takers yet?
REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.
When I stopped yawning, I decided to take a look at some real Trailer Trash News, ya'll, which was Jennifer Lopez's hot-hot-hot dress at the dang Grammy Awards. Now that is happenin' news. It's like this: why the hell would this babe be wasting her time with Sean "Puffy" Combs when she is All That?
Like his Daddy, George Dubya believes we should elect him because he was born-and-bred for us to elect him. Qualifications don't matter. Actual knowledge don't matter; don't ya'll understand, Sanitation Engineers, that The Dubya *deserves* to be your next President?
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