-> COVER -> TABLOID HART
AUSTIN, TEXAS - Until the dang "elections" (picture Dr. Evil doing the four finger thang) starts up after the conventions this summer, ya'll got to admit that this is the most ho-hum Presidential election year in a long time. Funny, it's the most expensive, too. Could it be that the average American people know that we are no longer part of the electoral process? Could it be that we know for sure that we are just meant to be spectators in another Big Money sport? That why I feels like I got the short end of the stick when being assigned Political Coverage this year. The best political stories are comin' outtah New Yawk.... where they don't even know how to make good salsa.
Let's see here, what's been happening? The Shrub (as we calls him down here) or the Smirk (if you like) showed up at the Kentucky Derby, where he claims he wasn't politicking, and hung out with celebs like the aging Bo Derek. Isn't it great to see too wannabes hobnobbing together this way. Bo kept her clothes on for a change, which made that a Big Yawn for us. Right, Sanitation Engineers?
On the Al Bore watch, I've got just as exciting thangs to report. So let's get into the real dish.
Wouldn't you hate to be John Revolta right about now? I mean, you go on Leno and everywhere else flacking for a movie that you gottah know in your heart of hearts is pure guano. Your dimple and your lovable smile can't compensate for the fact that you've laid the biggest egg since the Rok. So you try to put a good face on it.
Makes you feel sorry for poor Ed Wood, don't it? Now he's lost the one danged distinction he ever had.
And tell us something, John: whose idee was them dang codpieces? A head should roll.
Now before all ya'll get over ole Tom here about my dish on Big John, let me say this. I HAVE NO OPINION ABOUT THIS HERE FILM.
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Besides, the other CoS poster boy, Tom Cruise, seems to be doing alright with Mission Impossible 2...
But I'm supposed to be covering that other Big Money Sport, politics, ain't I? Sorry, Rod.
More dirt to come, too, I'm sure.
What gets me is that it seems to be some kindah unwritten law of the New Yawk Democravik campaign to not mention the opponent by name while tar and featherin' the poor bastard.
When asked direct questions about Lazio by reporters, Shumer declined to respond. When making his claims that Hill was better for New Yawk because of her appearance at the Million Mom joke and the Dollar Bill administration's stance on guns, the name Rick Lazio was just never mentioned.
Man, what finesse!
Meanwhile, Republiviks are dancing in the streets of Manhattan this week about the release of (former GOP speechwriter) Peggy Noonan's new book bashing Hill as setting herself up to be the first American female President. Yeah, you read me right, Sanitation Engineers: PRESIDENT.
According to ole Peggy, who starts the book by being inside Hillary's mind after she's sworn in as Senator from New York, ole Hill is thinking about her run for the White House as Al Bore's successor.
Eee-yew! Now that's one danged scarey thought, ain't it?
REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.
Meanwhile, down here in Tejas, we care more about Ms. Anna Kournikova on the cover of Sports Illustrated, John Travolta's $180 million bomb at the box office, and how come it's so hard to get our kids into see "Dinosaurs."
And what happens? Everybody is all over you about the Church of Scientology (CoS) possibly planting subliminal messages in this puppy and every critic from Bangkok to Peoria is calling "Battlefield Earth" possibly the worst movie ever made. Ever.
I ain't seen it. I'll wait for it to show up on "Monster Vision with Joe Bob Briggs" on TNT myself. I mean, when everybody and his brother says a film is this bad, even if you don't pay no blamed attention to movie critics most of the danged time, you gottah know that you could spend your $7 - $9, depending on the multiplex, on something else. My Mama didn't raise no fools, Sanitation Engineers. Plus, it's good to see one of them Hollyweird millionaires get a little comeuppance now and again....
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Hill Gets Lucky
Well, now that ole Rudy G. is outtah the box for the New Yawk Senate, Hillary Rodham Clinton (a.ka. The Wicked Witch of the West) is gonnah be facing a guy name of Rick Lazio. That's all well and good, as her stalking horse, Chuck Schumer, the other New Yawk Senator, is already out there oh-so-not discreetly trying to paint that anti-gun-control brush all over little Ricky.