-> COVER -> TABLOID HART
AUSTIN, TEXAS - You know what? Raking political muck is getting harder every day. And I'm gonnah tell you why, fellow Sanitation Engineers. Down here in the trailer park, we expect more mud-slinging and diggin' up dirt and in this here election year we got Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum splittin' them ever-so-boring hairs about whether we put 2% or 6% of the money the federal government steals from our paychecks into some kindah because-Social-Security-don't-work retirement plan.
Lest I puke!
Okay, well I guess we could talk about the new buddy-buddy thang between Al Bore and Jesse the Body, but how many paragraphs you expect me to get outtah that?
Hey! How about The Smirking Shrub's new Education Plan?
Just kidding.
Seems ole Tipper got her panties in bunch because Jim's movie, in her view, makes fun of schizophrenia and Tipper wants to be viewed as the 'Murrican Mother Theresa of Mental Health.
I just report this stuff, ya'll. Don't blame me.
Ain't this the same Tipper Gore who put them warning labels on music CDs and got dissed to High Heaven by Frank Zappa (may he rest in peace) at a Congressional hearing?
Naw, cain't be the same woman.
He's getting interviewed in the major media, as The World's Magazine has reported, he's got TIME and NEWSWEEK talking about his danged campaign like he's a serious durned insurgency from the Left. All over gettin' about FIVE PERCENT in the national polls. Is this a joke or what?
Meanwhile, the man is getting major backing from some of my fellow Texicans, like ole Jim Hightower. Hell! Nader even shows up on television quoting ole Jim's Daddy. I just don't know what to think, nor do any of my six-pack buddies down her in BubbaLand.
I mean, and listen closely here ya'll: WHAT WILL AMERICA COME TO IF'N WE START ELECTING HONEST MEN, CITIZEN PRESIDENTS TO THE WHITE HOUSE AGAIN? From the perspective of us down here in the trailer park, that would be akin to an Act of God or a natural disaster. Think twice before going down this route.
And here's my Final Objection to ya'll even considering this Full-time Citizen for the durned 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue lodgings: William Greider likes this man. When has that Rolling Stone reject ever picked a danged President?
REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.
So what the hell does that leave us with? Well, let's start with how my favorite newspaper (and --- don't lie! --- I know it's all of ya'lls, too)HONEST RALPH
Now who would of thunk that Ralph ("Unsafe At Any Speed") Nader would have become one of the most exciting candidates of this here so-called election campaign? Not Tabloid Hart, I'll tell ya'll that! But there it is for anyone to see.
And is Tabloid Hart the only person in these United States who notices what a resemblance ole Ralph bears to Abe Lincoln? Talk about your "separated at birth!" Ralph is prob'bly the most homely-looking Presidential candidate since Ross (oh-oh! another Texican) Perot.