-> COVER -> TABLOID HART
AUSTIN, TEXAS -
Why would I do that when, like any registered Sanitation Engineer down here in the Trailer Park, I could see which of the bimbettes on "Big Brother" gets boffed first, or attend another WWF Smackdown at the local arena?
From what I understand, even 43% of registered Republiviks don't want to check out this little show.
I know: only an idiot would even asked the danged question.
Even then --- yep, EVEN THEN! --- I'd tell ya' do something else with your life, pardner. Have you ever heard this man talk? The Shrub is the kindah mush-mouthed fellah that comes out with statements like this here:
"This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past we were certain, we were certain it was us versus the Russians in the past. We were certain, and therefore we had huge nuclear arsenals aimed at each other to keep the peace. That's what we were certain of. ... You see, even though it's an uncertain world, we're certain of some things. We're certain that even though the 'evil empire' may have passed, evil still remains. We're certain there are people that can't stand what America stands for. ... We're certain there are madmen in this world, and there's terror, and there's missiles and I'm certain of this, too: I'm certain to maintain the peace, we better have a military of high morale, and I'm certain that under this administration, morale in the military is dangerously low." - Albuquerque, N.M., the Washington Post, May 31, 2000Ý
Do you really want to spend two hours of your life listening to this type of gobbledy-gook, scratching your head and wondering what this ole boy is talking about? Change the channel over to "Survivor" says Tabloid Hart!
Anyways, here's the deal. It seems old Nostradamus's predictions are supposed to be pretty right-on about a lot of stuff that has taken place in our own times, at least according to Cleavis. Supposedly, he predicted the rise of Nazism, World War II, all that kind of stuff. Well, Cleavis tells me a couple nights ago that one reading of Nostradamus would leave you to believe that George Dubya is destined to be the next President of the United States --- and that it will be the first augur of the next big war.
Cleavis was babbling like a danged evangelical by the time he got to the end of this riff, but it seems Nostradamus had something to say about the "son of the King of the Western Empire" or some kindah nonsense becoming King himself and how that would be the first sign. How people wrongly thought that meant the Kennedys but how the Bushes are American royalty, too, and how George I had placed all of his little princelings all over this country to be poised to take back the kingdom and how George Dubya is now the dauphin...George I and George II, blah-blah-blah.
Bring up the Twilight Zone music in your minds at this point... and think about The Smirk with his danged hand on the button. Try not to lose any sleep.
And REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.
George (The Shrub) Dubya and his Republivik cronies are gathering in Philly this week, ya'll. And could you believe our Publisher Man, Mr. Rod, actually thought I'd be willing to check that out?
And can you blame them? Which would you rather do after a hard day at the salt mines, while digesting your TV dinner and sipping on a relaxing brewski:
Okay, just for danged grins, let's say you are the kind of pathetic and unfortunate soul who doesn't live near an arena where they hold professional wrestling events, you don't even know who Goldberg and The Rock are --- heck! ya'll never heard about Rick "Nature Boy" Flair before reading this article. In other words, you live under a rock somewhere and not in the America we all know and love. You have no earthly idea what real God-given entertainment is and you think it could be important on a lonely Thursday night to hear George Dubya's "vision for America."
From the "Twilight Zone" Department
I got something real scary to share with ya'll. This comes by way of my neighbor, Cleavis, whose wife done started gettin' him into crystals and other kinds of New-Age, hippy-dippy stuff. So him and her, through some of their hand-holding, seance-attending friends started getting to the prophecies of this old fart Nostradamus from somewhere back in Europe. I don't know all the details on this stuff, 'cause frankly I think it's very weird.