-> COVER -> TABLOID HART
AUSTIN, TEXAS - Greetings, fellow Sanitation Engineers! Welcome to the latest installment of The Dish from your favorite dumpster diver. It's about politics, for now, so let's get to it!
Despite the wishful thinking of their partisans, we all knew all along that ole Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader would NOT be part of the Presidential debates. Any of ya'll remember when these was run by the League of Women Voters? Well, even they had to turn their noses up at this little spectacle when it was taken over as a privately - owned franchise by the Republaviks and Democratois to make sure it was their private little game of marbles
So now what we got is one extended TV advertisement, bought and paid for by big Corporate Money, for the two-headed party-system to show off their best ole boys. And that's how most people get to decide between Dumb and Dumber in the United States of America.
Man, I'm glad I live in the Republic of Tejas right now. We can still opt out --- as a sovereign republic --- of the bullshit you are willing to put with in the upper 48.
Anyway, this here week's spectacle is seein' The Smirking Shrub and Al "The Kiss" Gore square off up in one of them Yankee cities with Jim Lehrer, of PBS's "The Newshour with Jim Lehrer," as the moderator. Ho-hum. Is there a football game on tonight? Dang!
Now some folks might decide to tune in because the Olympics had turned out to be a big hoax. We get to see all the results here on the Internet or in our local papers ten danged hours before the broadcast! Where's the drama to that? How come the Seoul Olympics, broadcast from the same basic part of the world, could be exciting and LIVE and this crap from Down Under is all like, "Well, you already know what happened, but because NBC payed beaucoup bucks for that you gottah live with seeing a re-hash. Hello! Are you still awake out there?"
But I can't figure a way other than to say that it's the best thang on TV on a Thursday night. Tabloid Hart gives it Four Stars. Check it out!
Me, Cleavis, Buford, Jim-Bob, Bo, Willie, Big Ed, Little Bill, Joe Don, all of us down here at the Trailer Park in Austin, Tejas, you know where to find us on a Thursday night. Thank the Lord for cable!
Okay, Okay! Back to Politicks: I got my own personal theory, ya'll, about how the Mouthpiece Media played up that "George Dubya is afraid of debating Al Bore" SPIN. IT WAS JUST THAT: SPIN. Just like what Howard Cosell did with Monday Night Football, it was all planned to make the event seem more excitin' than it really is.
It was another way of makin' ya'll tune in to at least the first debate, so it wouldn't suck wind. We are talking ratings here, ain't we?
If ya'll tuned out, the way you'd naturally be inclined to do considering that both Nader and Buchanan WON'T be there, what would the punditocracy have to say to they bosses the next morning? "Well, gee!" I don't think so! (And you, surely, noticed how none of these danged debates is scheduled opposite "G-String Divas," don't you? I rest my case.)
"I mean, The Shrub looked okay on 'Oprah' t'other day, but he's tryna come from behind at this point. Put your money on Gore --- not sayin' that you is a bettin' man or anythang, Tom. But barring some misstep, I'd be callin' Vegas about now and takin' any good odds I can get on the Nashville boy.
"And then I'd be laughin' all the way to bank!"
You read it here first, Sanitation Engineers.
And REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.
With all that in mind, I been wrackin' the ole Tabloid brain about some way of bringing the HBO Original Series "G-String Divas" into this column without havin' it edited (Read: censored) out by our editor. I keep walking the floor tryin' to reckon a way to get this great tit-fest into my column and comin' up as dry as one of them wells George Dubya drilled outside of Midland.
THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
I know an Ole Boy down here in Bubbaland been handicappin' the Presidential Elections for about twenty years or more now. He's never missed a beat. I called old son up t'other day and asked him, "Hey, Joe-Willie, what ya'll think about this here election."
"Thass easy," he says back through the telephone. "It's The Kiss, hands down.