Blame the SOBs!

by Thomas Hart

G21 Political Muckraker

AUSTIN, TEXAS - I was reading t' other day --- probably in the newspaper of record, THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER, but maybe in the Weekly World News, I don't remember right now --- how ole Alec Baldwin said that if the Smirkin' Shrub, George Dubya Bush is elected, he's gonnah leave the country.

Well, Tabloid Hart says: "Good riddance! You cain't turn on your danged TV set without seein' one Baldwin or another in some danged movie. Losin' one of ya'll is no great loss to actin' or to Hollywood.

"But just remember one thang, ole son: The Kim Basinger franchise stops at the border. You try to take that fine, long-legged gal outtah this country, we may have to go to war. You hear me, Baldwin boy?"

Speaking of gals, as this here election draws near, I think it's time I continued my campaign to enlighten ya'll about the state of affairs down here in Tejas and what kindah President you can expect to have if the Shrub gets elected this November. This may look like kindah a circuitous route to the subject, but I'm a columnist, so's I gets paid by the word. Hang in with me.

You see, thangs have gone from bad to worse down here in Texas because of a bunch of gals who calls themselves the Society of self-righteous Old Biddies --- or SOBs, for short. These here womenfolk started organizing and wielding their power just about the same time Midland's own George Dubya appeared on the scene.

AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED:

1. The sovereign State of Texas, by way of its legislature, took away a man's right to carry an open container in public. Yes, you read me right! No longer can you just walk down the street drinking a Lone Star longneck --- every man's God-given right.

   And if you ever drove from say Galveston up to Abilene you sure as hell know how much a comfort havin' a cold one straddled between your legs can be.

   Hell, even the world-famous Texas Rangers never interfered with our right to a cold one or to drive 90 mph during the oil crisis and freeze them Yankees by cutting down on their available heating oil.... But the SOBs took away one of our most essential freedoms, the freedom to get drunk in public! Dang 'em!

2. The SOBs weren't satisfied there, of course. Ya'll probably know that Tejas used to be as prime a place as any for Acapulco Gold and Oaxaca Hot marijuwannah (imported from Mexico,) for the sacred Indian sacrament peyote, and for people searchin' through the cowchips for mescalene. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Mr. Hart appears to have confused the mescalin found in peyote with the psyloscibin found in the " 'shrooms" that are known to grow on cowpaddies. Not that I would know anything about such substances. ---RA. Thanks and a tip of the hat to Ed Cantarella for pointing out these discrepancies. Fact-checkers 'R' Us.]

   Again: No More! Our rights to get as blasted as we pleased on these substances was the next target of these "Just Say No" harridans of the Society of self-righteous Old Biddies. It's harder than hell to get high down here in Texas anymore and I blame them!

If that wasn't bad enough, during the George Dubya administration, these biddies was raising children. So you know what happened:

That's right! Just take a look at the Texas legislature and tell me if that ain't the biggest collection of Sons of Biddies you ever done saw? And you ask why things are so screwed up down here in Tejas?

THE MAN RESPONSIBLE WANTS TO BE YOUR NEXT PRESIDENT. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Now here's some other facts about Texas under George Dubya ya'll may not know:

1. Unlike most state legislative bodies, our SOBs only meet once every two years, by law. That's right, they only work half as long as Congress --- if ya'll can imagine that.
   
   
2. That means the Governor of Texas only has to work HALF AS HARD as most other governors in the whole of the US of A. It's a cakewalk! The Shrub spent most of his tenure, in other words, raising money from Fat Cats to run for President, not reading or writin' any danged legislation.
   
   
3. Ole Al Bore was right in that last debate: the environmental laws in Texas are among the worst in the nation and Houston, Texas, is the MOST POLLUTED city in America.
   
   
4. Most Presidents can get away with blaming a "Do-Nothing Congress" for the lack of progress. The Shrub won't have that option. Can you say, "Do-Nothing President?" and finally,
   
   
5. How many times do I have to say the words? MUSH-MOUTH. There is simply not enough brain cells left up there after all the holes the cocaine bore into this ole boy's grey matter to transmit coherent sentences to his danged lips. No way, Jose! Read my lips: Dick Cheney in charge.

Now I know some of ya'll may be thinkin': "Hey, that ain't so danged bad. I allus thought Cheney would make a better President than the Shrub, anyways!"

Think again. Dick Cheney is from Wyoming. You know what they are famous for in Wyoming? Only the fact that we are family magazine keeps me from goin' further on this...

(DISCLAIMER: I know that the "official" policy of the G21 is as follows:

• A vote for the Shrub or the Bore is a wasted vote if you are a dissident.
• Anybody who cares about real freedoms and a return to democratic governance in Amurrica would cast they vote for PATRICK BUCHANAN or RALPH NADER so that other parties would have a chance to reach the money-trough the Democraviks and Repubskis want to control on their lonesome.
• Neither Bush nor Gore will ever do any REAL campaign finance reform, so let's shove those bastards out and give The People a shot at reforming our government.

That's all well and good. I'm as idealistic as the next man. But Tabloid Hart don't live in Cloud-Cuckoo Land. I know one of these two ole boys is destined to have his danged finger on the button. End of story.)

Me and Buford, my neighbor from down the way, was sitting out under that there new striped awning he stretched out from his doublewide a couple evenings ago, watching the sun go down over the Colorado River. We still do simple stuff like that down here in God's Country, while chewin' the fat (or shootin' the bull, for our foreigner readers.)

"Lookahere, Tom," Buford says to me after sittin' silent and takin' a spit, "you really think them ignoramuses up in the Upper 48 is gonnah go with the Shrub?"

"Well," says I, "given the choice between Dumb and Dumber, I don't see like it makes a whole helluva lot of diff'."

Buford thought about that for a moment. Then he says: "Mebbe it makes a diff' if'n you ain't got a million dollar net worth."

I had this image of myself standing at the Canadian border right behind ole Alec Baldwin and suddenly felt like I had to hurl.

REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.