Hail to The Chef...uh, Chief

by Thomas Hart

G21 Political Muckraker

AUSTIN, TEXAS - The Amurrican Presidential election will be only a week away when ya'll read this. And I'm as happy as a dog with his head in a jar of pickled pig's feet! Yes! After having to suffer with this overlong assignment of being the World's Magazine political muckraker during the most BORING election season of my durn lifetime, I am about to be released. (Remind me NEVER to take an assignment nobody else would come near ever again, Sanitation Engineers!)

Now let's see:

1. PRIMARY SEASON: Boring. The two-headed corporate party had already decided who the Presidential candidates would be BEFORE A SINGLE PRIMARY VOTE WAS CAST.
   
   
2. LEAD UP TO THE CONVENTIONS: Dull. Even the punditocracy was breakin' they backs bending over backwards to try to generate some interest in the ho-hum whilst the rest of us was lining up to see the danged World Wrestling Federation's Summer Smackdown.
   
   
3. THE CONVENTIONS: Snoozers. The best thangs that came out of the two of them combined was that shot of Bill Clinton entering the convention hall looking like one of them danged Greek gods comin' down from Mt. Olympus and the Bore deciding to make a Public Display of Affection so that we'd know he wouldn't have been tempted by a quick flash of thong underwear. (Subliminal Message: "Yeah, that Hill' really is one angry, pent-up bitch who prob'bly hasn't put out in years, but I still get some at home! They got one kid, we got multiple.") Trailer Park high-fives all around!
   
   
4. More people watched either the Subway World Series held up in New Yawk, the "re-runs" of the Olympics, and the last episode of "Dharma and Greg" than even checked out all three PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.

NOW, with the election a week away, you cain't turn on your durn TV set without hearing one of the Usual Suspect Pundit Talking Heads or the other use the phrase "Energize his base.." at least once. Sometimes, to me and Cleavis, my neighbor down here in Bubba Land, it sounds like this:

"Blah-blah-blah closest election in years... blah-blah-blah energize his base... blah-blah-blah needs to energize his base in Michigan... blah-blah-blah undecided voters in Wisconsin and Pennsylvania... blah-blah-blah-blah energize his base...."

I think ya'll know what I'm talking about here. Bull and doring.

As I got ready for my valedictory column as "Political Muckraker" here at the World's Magazine and realized I had finally been released from the most BULL AND DORING job on the entire Internet, I have to admit I was 'bout to wet my shorts, ya'll.

The Good News? Next time I get back on my reg'lar Gossip and Dish rotation. AND THERE AIN'T NO BAD NEWS! Still, I been thinkin' lately there ain't enough Gusto to go around, fellow Sanitation Engineers.

So next week, that is all over for Mrs. Hart's fair-haired son. I gets to talk about IMPORTANT stuff again like my long-standing fantasy of having E! TV's Beth Littleford be the mother of my love-child. (Tabloid Hart has a confession to make, ya'll. I have always had this here thang for women with kind bashed, blunt looking noses. I consider Ellen Barkin a hottie because of that nose. The only thang I *like* about Cameron Diaz is her nose. That's why Tabloid Hart is so crazy for Beth Littleford, the nose. She is my ultimate fantasy, still would be even if she wasn't such an ornery, demon-mouthed Babe, too!

Well... That is until my pal Buford had to ruin everythang by pointing out the striking resemblance between my goddess Beth Littleford and our publisher's ex-wife. That made me feel kindah creepy, like finding out that Babe what bought that double-wide down the way and is always bending over that Camaro of her'n as she washes it in her Daisy Duke cut-offs turns out to be one of your second cousins just moved down from Lou'siana. I think ya'll know what I'm talking about, Sanitation Engineers.)

Anyways, BACK TO THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: My own personal feeling on this mess is that ya'll gottah decide which is your drug of choice. What I mean by that is, you ever notice how after somebody Hoover's a big ole line of cocaine they get all sincere on your ass? Well, that's George Dubya, the Smirking Shrub. You see any of the clips from them debates? He was all Mr. Sincerity and ice cold at the same time. "It's a difference in PHILOSOPHY."

But, like you're average cokehead, The Shrub tends to get his tongue all fouled up when the newest hole is bored into his brainpan and the tongue looses connection with the cortex lobes involved with coherence.

Lemme give ya'll a couple of examples from the now-famous collection of "Bushisms" circulating around the Internet:

• "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between mother and child."
  
  
• "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
  
  
• "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
  
  
• "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
  
  
• "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
  
  
• "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

I'll tell ya'll one thang, if I was ole J. Danforth Quayle, I'd be danged pissed off that this mush-mouth got to the danged Money Tree before I did!

Now let's deal with Mr. French Kiss, Al Bore. If ya'll hang around with a lot of people smokin' the Wacky Weed, Al is your man. Bong up! Ya'll ever notice how pot-smokers tends to forget the details of stuff that happens to them? I do.

That explains to Tabloid Hart how Al Bore was able to sing that "Union Label" song years before it had ever been written.... how his recollection of the bag-job at the Buddhist Temple was that he was out drinking some danged iced tea at the time the details was explained... AND even people here in the Trailer Park who think Al Bore would make a durn good President can't get over how he always acts like the Smartest Kid in Class, the Teacher's Pet, always showing off how much he knows all the crap from last night's reading assignment. THIS MAN WAS A C STUDENT, after all!

Or mebbe, just mebbe, ya'll might consider doing something DIFFERENT.

As I said in my last column, I don't espouse the G21 "party line" about going with an alternative party. I'm not a "dissident," as our publisher describes one, by any stretch of ya'll's Sanitation Engineer imaginations. I agree with enough of this Web site's positions to feel most comfortable here, but I find our "Vote Nader or Buchanan" stance a little bit un-practical.

Ya'll, on the one hand, might not.

Me, I don't see no headlines on November 8th saying: "Nader Wins by Landslide!!!" I'd put that possibility right up there with them Dewey headlines when he ran against Harry Truman.

On the other hand, havin' lived with The Smirkin' Shrub down here in Tejas for too many danged years, I gottah tell you that there's no way I go into a voting booth and elect that airhead as the next Chef cookin' up any kindah national meal.

If he gets the chance to do to Amurrica what he did to Texas --- well, ya'll ever wanted to take a ride in handbasket?

REMEMBER: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.

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