-> COVER -> TABLOID HART
AUSTIN, TEXAS - Ya'll might recall when, a couple months ago, I told you about the prediction of my neighbor Cleavis, crystal-gazing man, about Nostradamus being his source for predictin' that The Smirking Shrub would be your next President. Well we have now entered the Twilight Zone --- da-da-dee-dee, da-da-dee-dee --- thanks to the US Supreme Court.
Cain't you just see that scene at their collegial gathering last week? I can.
CHIEF JUSTICE "Wild Bill" REHNQUIST: Okay, now that I've heard all of ya'lls danged opinions, let's get down to cases. First of all, this election has gone on too long, period. We gottah put an end to this mess and move on to more important issues, like people buying Christmas gifts from the many discount outlets in which I have stock.
I mean, come on, I been lookin' forward to my danged retirement! I got to take care of my grandchildren's education. I bought me some land up in the horse country near Charlottesville, Virginia, I mean to kick-back at.
Ginsburg, listen, you're the only one sent up here by Seegar Bill, so I don't really give a rat's ass about your dissent. And Breyer, whenever folks hear you're durn name they think of half-gallons of ice cream. Like I should listen to the likes of you!
As to that stuff about negras not getting they votes counted, as one wise man said --- I cain't remember who right now -- "How many battalions can they put on the streets?" Right, Uncle?
THOMAS: Hyuh-hyuh-hyuh!
SOUTER (Sotto voce to O'Connor): I thought you said he was a mute!
O'CONNOR (Finger raised to lips.) Shhh!
REHNQUIST: Lookahere, I think ole Jim Baker had it right when he said we counted, and then we counted again, and then we counted again those durn votes down in Florida and that they is no way on God's Green Earth anybody ever gonnah know who really won that election. We need to get on with it! There ain't but twelve more shoppin' days left before Christmas, ya'll! Do you understand what that means?!?
Besides, for us to back them yellow dogs on the Florida court, after they basically slap us in the face! --- How dare they not respond immediately to the highest court in the land?
I won't have it, I tell ya! I won't. Not while I'm still Chief Justice. To hell with them peckerwoods! We's makin' the decision right now. Over. Done. Finito. Long live George the Second.
[ A grim silence settles over the room. It's like one of them dang "special" moments when you is watching "The West Wing" and wondering what Martin Sheen is going to say next...]
SOUTER: With all due respect, Chief Justice, I can't see anywhere in the Constitution where this court was even implied being able to take it upon itself to choose the Chief Executive.
REHNQUIST: (Pauses.) I didn't hear anythang. Mr. Justice Scalia, you hear anythang?
SCALIA: Not shit, sir.
REHNQUIST: Uncle, how about you?
THOMAS: (Grins.) Nope.
REHNQUIST: What'd you say?
THOMAS: SIR! No, sir, I didn't hear anything, sir.
REHNQUIST: That's more like it.
Clarence, why don't you go fetch us some coffee while I wrap up here.
THOMAS: Yes, sir.
And that was that. Ya'll are now at the mercy of The Shrub.
And don't say that Trailerpark Boy didn't warn ya'. I been beatin' The Shrub like a drum just to let ya'll know what you is in for.
But that Nostramus thang of ole Cleavis's still bothers me. WHAT IF that ole boy is right and the inauguration of George II brangs us that much closer to the prophesized END OF DAYS....Naa-aww! It'll never happen. Let's talk about something interesting.
See that picture over there? That's Kim Hee Sun (Song, by some folks spelling.) This young lady has been described by some critics as "..the Cameron Diaz of Asia." (Now if'n it was me, I'd be insulted. Cameron Diaz has the acting wattage of Meg Ryan, who rates right up there with the 3 watt lightbulb.)
But ole Kim is on TV and she can sell somekindah movie tickets. Crowds line up around the block for this babe, and I'm sure ya'll can see why, Fellow Sanitation Engineers.
So, as any experienced dumpster diver might imagine --- and gleefully --- she has this whole group of folks who her hate her and say she's just a slut. The Christina Aquilera Problem.
'Bout three in the morning, after comin' back from a beer bash at my pal Buford's to kick off the holidays, I was surfin' the web and ran up on this here Korean conference board. This one woman on it was talkin' about seeing Kim in this club in Seoul and how she looked like she was high and being all superior and such. It seems one of the guys she was with, our poster that is, was staring at the dance-floor to make sure it was really her.
Ole Kim busts over to the mook and yells somethin' along the lines of, "What you lookin' at? You such a loser you never seen a beautiful girl before?!?"
(I can imagine how that mustah sounded in Korean, cain't ya'll?) 
So Kim Hee Son is definitely a trailer park kindah actress in my Tabloid book! Expect to hear and see a lot more about her sweet ass in this space, Sanitation Engineers!
I was kindah hopin' to have a JENNIFER LOPEZ MOMENT for ya'll this week, but she been hidin' out.
BILLARY WINS
Every single yellow journalist, comedy writer, and plain ole shameless muckraking attack dog, like your pal Tabloid Hart, was praisin' God and knocking back the tall boys this last week when we figured out we would have AT LEAST six more years of the Bill & Hillary Clinton Show to paw over. It was a Vulture's Paradise, ya'll!I sent off a fax to Molly Ivins and David Letterman tellin' them they each owed me a case of Lone Star Beer!
Bill must be laughing like an Arkansan right now about Al Gore having to ride off into the sunset. "Distance this, sucker!"
Meanwhile, he's sitting under that Rose Garden Christmas tree glow thinking to himself: "Eight million! Eight million dollars for that book --- but ONLY if she does talk about my affairs! Brilliant! The Comeback Kid is back!"
AND HILLARY? She's smirking in her new luxury digs in Washington. Look out Trent Lott.
Okay, enough of this preview of the dirt you can expect me to dish next year. I'll close with a picture of the deer staring into the headlights.
MESSAGE TO ALEC BALDWIN: KEEP YOUR PROMISE! GET OUT OF TOWN!
Ya'll have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, fellow Sanitation Engineers!
And remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.